Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

No, North Korea Did Not Hack into Sony.....

I'm not really understanding any media report I see on this nonsense, there's no facts ever mentioned as to how/what/why/when/how apparently North Korea hacked Sony. All the reports are making this into a big deal and when this movie is finally released it will get 100x more viewers than it would have had if this media fiasco not happened.

The followings are thing to know about all parties involved,

Sony

Sony gets hacked into ALL THE TIME. It's not a big deal when a company with security as shit as sony gets hacked into...it's actually a very mundane thing that surprisingly has happened many times before. Why all of a sudden is Sony getting hacked is a big deal? I have no clue. It's happened like twice before and no movies were ever cancelled.

1. In 2011, Sony Playstation Network was hacked and almost 100 million accounts were compromised (source)

2. Also in 2011, Sony Pictures was hacked into and data was breached (source)

I think maybe that dumb Sony just gets hacked into so much that they figured, "oh well, we suck at running a company, might as well make a marketing ploy out of it this time to save face and make some money off our stupid mistakes."


North Korea

North Korea in terms of GDP is 14 billion as a nation, placing it 121/194 in the global rankings. It's not doing very well. It only very recently got a 3G network (source) for the first time ever and in many respects it would be safe to describe North Korea as being a few decades behind the technological world. Ten years behind? Twenty? Thirty? Probably safe to say it's 30 years behind. It's 1984 over there, let's say. This is not a country anyone should be scared of.

Famines for example aren't things that many people in the developed world ever experience, but in the nineties and even into the millennium...North Korea lost half a million people to starvation (source). When I said this country isn't doing very well that was a bit of an understatement, it's doing terribly.

The saddest thing is their "leaders" in charge don't really care or even know how bad they are doing. They don't have elections, they have a dynasty dictatorship...and it is one of the weirdest dictatorships ever. The propaganda they run is downright the silliest shit you've ever seen.

For example here is a video shown in North Korea depicting the "third world United States" and how downright miserable it is there:


Hahahaha. It's a snow-eating famine over in America apparently. N. Korea does weird shit like this all the time, they apparently made the World Cup Final last time according to them. I seem to not remember seeing them in the World Cup Final last time (or ever)...probably because they suck at soccer. They tell their people shit like that all the time, flat out childish lies, it's retarded.

The propaganda level there is to an extreme where nothing they say is ever true. Even if North Korea says they are responsible for the Sony hack the chance of what they are saying being true is literally ZERO percent. It's as true as them making it to the World Cup Finals, it's just absurd retarded lies by a retarded government.

The chance the liars at the North Korean government are telling the truth in any situation is minimal to none. If the North Korean government is claiming to be behind the hack they are just bull shitting like these losers always do.

The Movie

Seth Rogan has made the same movie 1000 times now, no one likes them anymore. How many times can you watch a person who can't fucking act? Maybe it's fun the first few times seein' like a "regular Joe" on screen but by the umpteenth time who can possibly sit through it anymore? Who in their fucking right fucking mind would willingly go and watch a Seth Rogan movie? A fucking moron, that's who. How many times can you throw the same shit onto a plate and expect people to still eat it?

I have a feeling this movie was worse than usual...maybe even a fucking BOMB. A flop. A piece of fucking absolute garbage...the kind of garbage only a Seth Rogan could make. The kind of movie that would bore an audience to tears.

Hold the phone, it's not even coming out, it's being stopped by an evil mastermind who doesn't want this movie to see the light of day! Oh nooooooo! Woe is us, our freedom is being compromised by a country with a 14 billion dollar GDP and where almost a million people die of starvation in any given decade. You good boys and girls of movie-going land have to make a difference and DEMAND this shit movie come out and sit through it bored out of your mind not for yourself but FOR YOUR COUNTRY!

Yeah, right. Gimme a fucking break. Fuck you. I wouldn't watch this movie for all the limestone in North Korea. I wouldn't watch this movie in a million years.

This movie is getting free advertising in ALL media outlets in North America, Europe, and the World. According to data from "Theatrical Market Statistics" it costs an average of 40 million to market a movie. So that free advertising is worth about 40 million bucks...fuck, all you media companies reporting on this retarded story should be demanding to be payed by Sony for the ads you are all running for them. Fuck man, when this piece of crap film comes out, thanks to all this buzz, it's gonna make like 200 million fucking dollars when it should have made 20 million.

Also, like many other people have pointed out, this is not the first time a movie like this has happened. Team America depicted Kim Dong One as a childish alien cockroach for crying out loud and no one gave even one iota of care over that scene.


It was not a even a thing, not even a little thing.

I don't know, maybe it's only a big deal when not-funny people make fun of the Kim Dongs Ils, when the South Park dudes do it, I guess it's all chill.


The Hackers

The group who did the hack claim to be "the Guardians of Peace" and used a cute little red skeleton as their logo.

It looks like it was done by a thirteen year old kid for crying out loud. Ugggh, either that or a disgruntled ex-employee who had access to the server and got back at the company that downsized him by making a big mess on the old internets.

In different rounds of lay-offs in 2014 alone Sony has cut almost 5,000 jobs. That's 5,000 disgruntled employees this year ALONE. That's a pretty large candidate pool for a good old fashion revenge hack. This scenario sounds so much more likely to me than the North Koreans doing it...which to be honest, is fucking absurd.

This marks the 3rd time in like 4 years that Sony's been hacked, and the odds of it being a disgruntled employee or a 13 year old kid with too much time on his hands is far far more plausible.


Conclusion

This situation is totally absurd, it is a ridiculous marketing strategy by Sony to try and make themselves look better after their shit security has been hacked THREE TIMES in FOUR YEARS!

Every news outlet running free advertising for Sony should demand payment for the spots they are running for them. Why is every media outlet on earth giving this movie free advertising? If people have to pay 12 bucks for fucking popcorn at these fucking theaters the least you could do is not let these losers get free advertising for their fucking shit conveyor-belt movies.

Look, if this movie grosses 200 million when they finally release it (after they generate as much buzz around it as they deem fit)...then guess what? We're gonna get dozens and dozens more conveyor-belt Seth Boran movies. Dozens and dozens of unwatchable pieces of shit...and in the end, that's the real crime here.

That's the real crime.

Monday, December 15, 2014

An Open Letter Acting as an Official Nomination for the Following Party to be Awarded the Nobel Peace Prize Trophy

The following letter is an open style letter (meaning anyone can read it), it is submitted to the internet for all to see but is specifically directed at the attention of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee who accepts and reviews nominations for said prize.

The criterion for a human being to be allowed to nominate someone for review by the Nobel Committee is to meet one of the following requirements:


A)
Bein' a "member of national assembly and/or government of state"
B)
Bein' a "member of international court"
C) Bein' a "University rector; professor of social sciences, history, philosophy, law and theology; director of peace research institute and/or foreign policy institute"
D) Bein' a "Person who has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize"
E)
Bein' a "Board member of an organization that has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize"
F)
Bein' "Active and former members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee; (proposals by members of the Committee to be submitted no later than at the first meeting of the Committee after February 1)"
G) Bein' a "Former adviser to the Norwegian Nobel Committee

I meet the following requirement: B


In the month of July of 2012, I served on jury duty in the case of Fields, S. vs. Amsterdam, M., thereby (be it bit but a brief moment) acting as a member of an "international court" and thus giving me access to nominate humans to be reviewed by the Nobel Committee in regards to said party being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.

Okie Dokie?

Before penning my open letter to the Nobel Piece Prize Committee, we shall look at just what the heck the peace prize committee is and we shall also look at the man I wish to nominate. So this is gonna be a pretty clunky article smashed into three parts.

Nobel Peace Prize

A brief tl;dr summation of the history of the Nobel Peace Prize is as follows:

This guy invented dynamite and got very rich, but he hated money so much that he never spent any and as he lay on his death bed he proclaimed to the people watching him die,

"My fortune is yours for the taking, but you'll have to find it first.
I left everything I own in Nobel Piece." -Nobel, A.(Dec.10/1886)
Millions of able bodied men and women searched Scandinavia for the fabled Nobel Piece. Naysayers thought they were just dreamers and n'er do well adventurers who were searching for something which didn't even exist....but it did. So, yeah. Yet, inside Alfred Nobel's buried treasure was simply a letter which stated,

"I, the undersigned, Alfred Bernhard Nobel, do hereby, after mature deliberation, declare the following to be my last Will and Testament with respect to such property as may be left by me at the time of my death:

...

[my] estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind." -Nobel, A
(source)

That's the jist of it.

Everyone knows about it but is it even that important? I mean Albert fuckin' Gore has one of these fuckin' Scandinavian trinkets so how important can it fucking be? Fuckin' Mikhail Gorbachev has one of these chachkies...what's up with that? One year the recipient was "The European Union" not even a human at all. How on earth could Albert Gore have been deserving of an award commemorating the "greatest benefit to mankind" during the 2007 season?

Look, to me it sounds like a stupid little thing but people around the earth take this thingy super cereal. So, as the power invested in me as a member of an "international court" during that one time I jury membered on Fields S. vs. Amsterdam, M. I hereby nominate to be the recipient of the Nobel Prize for Peace...

...The Iron Sheik.


Yeah!


Iron Sheik

A man who's name precedes him and needs no introduction of any kind. Everyone knows the Sheik, he's a living Legend, a living Champion, a living The Real. Like a Michael Jordan, or like a Muhammad Ali, he's a man who's kind is born only every five hundred years.

The Sheik's selfless acts of altruism make him the most deserving human being ever to awarded one of these Nobel Peace Prizes. Why? Firstly, some historically significant set-up is in order...

Back in the olden times, wrestling wasn't a monopoly, instead it operated in scattered factions who claimed "territories" under their respective promotional banners. There was Memphis Wrestling featuring Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman for example amongst many many other regions.

Eventually one regional promotion would grow so powerful that they monopolized wrestling promotion and that company was the WWF (now the WWE). How did they get so powerfully popular? So popular that they were able to unify the country under one single wrestling promotion? "Hulkamania" happened...



Hulk Hogan become such a phenomenon that other regional promotions couldn't compete with this ratings grabbing behemoth of a hollywood babyface superstar. Hulkamania conquered wrestling promotion for the WWE and discounting a brief challenge by Ted Turner in the 90s...it has remained that way since.

As everyone knows for every hero there must be a villain and Hulk Hogan's explosion into Hulkamania was heavily due to the Iron Sheik. The Sheik represented the evil foreigner who defeated the 60/70s America-Boy babyface Bob Backlund and was the most hated man in America while holding the title...and it was the hollywood blonde 80s baby-face Hulk Hogan who who took the belt back from the great Sheik which launched Hogan like offa spring board into Super Stardom.

Remember this is before the monopolization of wrestling promotion and other regions were jealous of this brazen Hulk Hogan who they viewed as a body builder who didn't know a thing about fake wrestling. Many don't know that the Iron Sheik had an offer on the table from Verne Gagne in Minnesota to literally break Hulk Hogans legs as the ultimate insult to this hollywood blonde body-building jabroni. In fact, Gagne offered the Sheik hundreds of thousands of real dollars to break his jabroni-ass legs.

Nobel Peace Prize? None more deserving than he.
What would you do in that situation? I bet many of you good boys and girls are thinking, "Oh, surely the angel known as me would not have broken Hulk Hogan's legs for I am a good person" but if you're thinking that's what you'd do if faced with a similar situation then you people are full of shit. The Iron Sheik is a shooter, man. He is a man who could break your back with one of his little pinky fingers. He could have "accidentally" snapped Hogan's legs like a twig, ruined Hogan's career, went back to Minnesota to collect hundreds of thousands of dollars...and in that moment...destroy Hulkamania forever and ever.

Under those circumstances, breaking Hulk Hogan's hollywood blonde jabroni legs was obviously the most beneficial choice for him. In the present we can look to the past and see that he did not chose to do what 99.9999% of us would have done in his shoes...no, no...he chose to spare Hulk Hogan's legs and lose the fake wrestling match like he was paid to do. Why? Because he's a man of his word, he would never double cross anyone...he has a heart of the purest of gold.

With the act of choosing not to smash Hulk Hogan's leg bones into millions and millions of pieces, the Iron Sheik displayed a level of humanitarian kindness and goodwill that I believe blows all other acts of humanitarian kindness out of the water. If you could condense kindness into some sort of sap-like substance (you know like maple sap in maple trees) I bet the Iron Sheik's heart would be figuratively oozing with Kindness Sap. It's unreal how he put others before himself in that situation, and for that I believe there has never been a human more deserving of a Swedish award that commemorates goodwill.


The Official Letter

The following is a transcript of the notarized letter sent to the Nobel Peace Prize Committee by yours truly,

"The Norwegian Nobel Committee
Henrik Ibsens gate 51
0255 Oslo, NORWAY

Dear Noble Peace Prize Committee, 
Attn: Peace Division

I hereby, under the authority of acting on the jury of the legendary case of Fields, S. vs. Amsterdam, M., and thereby a member of an "international court" (i.e. a court in a nation somewhere on earth at any given time), nominate one Khosrow Vaziri AKA "The Iron Sheik" to be this or next year's Noble Peace Prize recipient.

I nominate him under the merits of that time back in 1984 that, under the guidance of his heart made of gold-like sap, he refrained from breaking one Terry Gene Bollea AKA "Hulk Hogan's" fucking legs at the Madison Square Garden in front of like a hundred thousand people.

This act of humanitarian courage should heretofore be recognized by your organization, the King of Sweden and/or the King of Norway and/or the King of Finland, and/or the Bernadotte dynast-kings of yesteryear (retro-active). If you leave this man's merits unrecognized you risk a great deal of international shame to your organization as many will question if you know what the heck you guys are doing over there.

Truthfully Yours, 
Deric W. Brazill (md) 

I threw an "md" on that shit at the end to make it look like I got some smarts, you know? I'm not really one of those.

Anyway, hopefully the Sheik gets a Nobel prize this year or next because he's obviously super-deserving of one of those things.



(End Note: This letta is OFFICIAL meaning if they fail to respond to an OFFICIAL letter then they are proclaiming to the world that they a bunch of friggin' jabronies those Scandinavians.)

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Canadian Election Human Value Rankings!!!

Hey world, did you know Canada is having an election in 2015? Yeah, they are, exciting eh? We get to vote for our "prime minister" whatever the fuck that is.

This topic was one of the first articles I ever did for last election back like four non-score years ago, you can read that one if you want, but my writing style and comedic tact was a little worse for wear back in the day (I think I only got good at this bloggin shit sometime around 2012-ish):

Previous Canada Election Article: Here

I like that I worked in Fergie Jenkins at the end there in that one, that was pretty cool. He's a hall of fame pitcher, that guy.

Anyways, let's explain how this election system works first before we get into the human value rankings.

Canadian Elections

It's not a popular vote poll, it's based on "seats" in "parliament". A seat is just a regional area, there's 310 or so seats that they fight over and the party with the most seats wins! Yay.

There are not two but five parties who get "seats" in our elections. The current polls (with the amount of seatz being set to a round number like 100) are as follows:

Liberals (Left-Center Field): 41 Seatz
Conservatives (Right Center Field): 32 Seatz
Democratic Party (Left Center Field): 17 Seatz
Green Party (Left Field): 5 Seatz
French Separatists (?????????): 5 Seatz

Even though I don't really care for putting political views on a line, I have denoted the leftness or rightness of the party because they do advertise themselves to the public along this silly line. You'll be quick to note that unlike the USA who has two parties (the left-center field party and the right-center field party)...Canada has a whopping 3 left leaning parties and 1 right leaning party.

If it was like the states and it was 1 left-center party versus 1 right center party...the results would be:

Theoretical Left Center Merged Party: 63 Seatz
Right Center Party: 32 Seatz
French Separatists: 5 Seatz

It would be a blowout win, but that's not what's gonna happen as the Left Center parties are split into three factions who argue over votes with each other and thus the Liberals and Conservatives are neck-and-neck in the polls.


Human Rankings

Ew.
1. Stevie Harper

Evangelical Christian who hates science and is suspected of being mentally handicapped so you're supposed to give him leeway and be nice to him. It's annoying. He's been in power for almost 9 years now and if he wins again he's gonna get double digits.

I firmly respect the USA and their laws on term limits, which Banana-Republic Canada simply does not have, we've actually had prime ministers in power for over 20 years back in day.

To me, no one should be in power of a country for over 10 years, so I don't believe anyone should vote for this person again for that reason alone. Ten years is the "dictator" barrier that once you cross that line you can longer be referred to as an "elected official" yet must be denoted as a "dictator." It's true, I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

Overall Ranking: -100 / 10


2. Trudeau Jr.

Put yer fuckin' shirt on, Bieber.
Some little punk who's never worked a real job in his life who was hired to be the Face of the Liberal Party....an unbelievably boring dork. Like the Bush family, he feels since his daddy was Prime Minister then he should be too.

He's killing the women vote though, holy fuck, women want to suck this kid's balls right off, they love him so much. He is literally the Justin Bieber of politics, the Liberal party should of just signed Bieber if they wanted to monopolize the lady vote any further.

His parents are famous international jet-setters who had threesomes with celebs all the world so the name "Trudeau" is quite famous. Here's masterful interviewer Bill Boggs interviewing his Mom about her friendship with Fidel Castro and how important she feels she is:



Bill Boggs

His family is like a big deal in Canada, they are certified celebrities and this and that...so he's a good face for the Liberal Party, no doubt.

Obviously, as a 30 year old male human, I don't fall into the Bieber demographic and thus will not be voting for him.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


3. Beard Man

A bearded man.
I don't know what the point of Beard Man is, this guy's only job is to split the vote of the left center party so the Harper team wins again, for all I know Beard Man and Harper are in fucking cahoots. If they split the vote well enough the Harper Team will win again...so to me I seriously have to question if Beard Man is a real candidate or just a plant for the Harper team.

I don't really know anything about him other than that he has a beard....so nothing good and nothing bad...which for politics isn't such a bad thing. He's just a bearded man...no more and no less. Very bland shtick, wow.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


4. Green Party

Hasn't got off the ground yet, mainly acting to further split the left-center party.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


5. French Separatists

Who knows, who cares.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


Assessment

Liberals/Green/Demo/Separatists: -80
Conservatives: -100

The conservatives are the worst party by a full 20 points and it is in my opinion that NO ONE should vote for them in the next election.

I know this is a very basic look at Canada's Leck Shuns but it's the only things you need to know about it...it's not entertaining like other countries' elections where you can write interesting shit about it. It's two old white men and one somewhat young-ish white man fooling around up here...it's immensely boring.

Get some fucking chix in there, or some black guys, maybe a native, maybe an asian. Mix it up, fuck, gimme a break...this shit is soooooo lame. It always has to be boring-as-fuck white dudes who run, never anyone cool.

The only thing that can save another boring-ass Leck Shun is if that fat ol' crack smoking Rob Ford gets off his lazy ass and makes a run for the Prime Ministership.

"Prime Minister Rob Ford", has a good ring to it. Come on Rob, you know you wanna be Prime Minister, bro...get off your ass, stop smokin' crack and throw your hat in the race, man.

Come on...RUN!
I would predict a Rob Ford election would maximize voter turnout, increase world wide press, and I believe the end results would be the following:


Ford Nay-Shun United Co-A-Lishin' of Crack-Heads: 50 Seatz
Theoretical Left Center Merged Party: 32 Seatz
Right Center Party: 13 Seatz
French Separatists: 5 Seatz

A landslide win for Rob Ford.

Monday, December 1, 2014

On Park Factors and the Hinderance to Larry Walker's Hall of Fame Bid

Hall of Fame votin' season is getting into full swing, I did my annual Timmy "Rock" Raines for Hall of Fame article early this here,

Read that one: Here

Today we'll be looking at a player with a career .965 OPS (on base + slugging), which is unusually high, yet who's hall of fame bid is not garnering much support. This man is Larry Walker who was born in Maple Ridge British Colombia.

The reason for him not garnering a ground-swell of support hinges on the fact that he racked up insane numbers in a hitter's park...in fact the park which greatest favored hitters over pitchers of any park ever.

Park Factors

Park factors is a fairly new way of looking and interpreting baseball statistics. It is quite simple, it boils down to, some stadiums favor hitters and other stadiums favor pitchers. Many factors are at play some examples are the following:

1. How close are the outfield walls? If the corner of the outfields are 350 feet instead of 355 feet...it might sound like no big deal but that five feet means many a ball that would be home runs in the 350 park will be outs in the 355 park.

2. How big is the foul area? Some parks have huge in-play foul territories and some parks have very small foul territories. If a guy pops up to the third base side and it sails into the crowd...it becomes a souvenir for a fan rather than in the third baseman's glove and the third out of the inning. Large foul territories favor pitchers.

3. Is the infield grass or turf? A grass infield will slow the ball down and a sharp hit grounder will die out and be fielded by the infielder...while in a carpet park with turf many of these hard hit balls hit the hard ground surface, don't slow down, and wind up past the infielder and into the outfield for a hit.

Walker, in a rare right-handed at-bat
Those are examples of how a park could favor hitters or pitchers. In the case of Larry Walker a very new park factor came into play with the expansion Colorado team in 1993. It took a while to figure out why everyone on that team was hitting close to .400 and hitting 40 homers a year...but it was physicists who figured out as to why the hitters were getting such an undocumented boost and pitchers' ERAs were getting into the fives and sixes.

Scientists pointed out that the altitude of the stadium, which is a full mile above sea level, or around 1600 meters above sea level was making the air in the stadium less dense. Mountain climbers might be familiar with the gasping for air as they get higher and higher up a mountain, and this is the same case here. The air is simply not as thick when you're that high above sea-level.

Now, pitchers throw balls usually between 85-100 miles per hour and hitters nail these pitches with bat speeds coming through their centers of gravity at about 100 miles an hour...meaning when these two forces collide the ball off the bat will go quite far quite fast. If the air is thinner, the resistance of the air molecules that the traveling ball is meeting isn't posing much of a resistance at all. Not only that, but many breaking pitches need to push off dense air molecules to complete their breaks and if the air is too thin then, for example a curve-ball, will not break/move/drop on the hitter because it has nothing to break against.

Colorado has tried to curb the exaggerated effects of the boost to hitters over the years and the effects are not as exaggerated as they used to be (but it still is a VERY hitter friendly park). They now store the baseballs used in the games in a big humidor to make the balls more moisture-logged so they don't rip through the air as easily. Unfortunately, the era of 1993 to 2002 in Colorado and hitters hitting there have the stigma of "Mile-High Effect" on their stats, and Walker was a Colorado Rockie from 1995 to 2004, therefore, getting a good eight full season of the Mile-High boost.

Hall of Fame voters now don't know what the hell to do, no one knows what his numbers would have been without the boost and it seems for the most part they are all just not voting for him at all. It's unfortunate because chances are without the boost he may very well would have had a hall of fame career regardless.

Another Player who Benefited from Park Effects

Teams used to design their damned parks after their star players. If a big left handed hitter was their star player than possibly one year the right field wall would have "accidentally" been brought closer by about 20 feet. I read in Bill Veeck's book that, well he claims that, he installed an electric fence which went in closer while his team batted, and then at the push of a button, went out really far when the opposing team batted. There is no evidence of this ever happening and is accepted by historians as being a flat-out lie told by Veeck as more of a parlor jest than anything else.

Aided by Park Effects?
I don't want to cut into legends, everyone loves Babe Ruth, and his name has grown to be bigger than life itself...yet in defense of Larry Walker, I think we'll have to cut into the Babe a bit and detail just how easy it was for him to hit homers.

There's parks now and over the years where it is 345 to the corner outfields, some stand at 340...and then there's some where it is literally just above 300 feet. It is the older ball parks where this is the case, most people have seen the green monster in Boston which looks like a little league park it is so close to the hitter but at least they raised the wall to tower up and keep line drives from becoming homers. Yankee Stadium in Ruth's era had a right field wall which was 314 feet away and wasn't an over-exaggerated tower of a wall like in Boston....just a regular wall 314 feet away. That's it.

Ruth was a pull hitter who pulled the ball to right field, and at 314 feet away, guess what? Fat Boy logged a lot of fucking homeruns. Is it just me or does logging 714 homers while your home park custom built you a wall 314 feet away seem kind of cheap? No offense, I know the Babe is a legend, but F that cheap tailor made field for him, man. Revive this guy with some voodoo, put Babe Ruth in SafeCo Field down in Seattle as his home park, and watch this "legend" hit .275 with 22 homers next year.

That kid Kyle Seager who hit 16 homers at SafeCo last year should be pretty proud of himself. That's not an easy park to drop bombs in.

A lot of the old legends got the benefit of playing around in home parks where they were literally little league dimension fields. Home or away, they got to fool around in tiny little parks.

Conclusion

Did Larry Walker get his stats monstrously inflated from Coors Field? Yes, yes he did.


Those are his stats from the 1998 season for example, hitting .418 with 17 homers at home but only .302 with 6 homers on the road. That is highly irregular and not normal. To get a good idea what his stats would have been sans-Coors, someone should look at his career Away OPS, and see if it is still good. If his career Away OPS is still over 900 then I think he should be a shoe in Hall of Famer.

According to the data his career OPS on the road is .865...which is still very very good and possibly good enough for the Hall of Fame.

The thing is, the Hall of Fame is filled with players who's park effects weren't analyzed even a little bit. Should Walker get sort of a "grandfather clause" bypass because Coors Field was basically the field which made park factors such a well-studied phenomena? If Babe and all these other guys got their park factors thrown out the window then maybe Walker should too. He has the negative stigma of playing in the park which literally lead to such an interest in park factors...which is a huge stumbling block to his candidacy.

It's hard for anyone to imagine what his numbers would have been if they weren't altitude inflated...I'm not sure that is a license for all BBWAA writers to just toss his case out the window though. All in all, the design flaw of Coors field may keep him out of the hall of fame.

For what it is worth, I 100% fully believe, that if you took the 1920s Babe Ruth, you somehow cloned him or revived him with some hypothetical elixir, and stuck him a Mariners uniform (or a Padres uniform where it's 402 to right-center) for the 2015 season...1920s Babe Ruth would struggle to even hit .280 and not even make it to 30 homers in a full season. I truly believe that.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Great Moments in Literature 2: A Look into the Character Growth of one "Stan Gable"

In the last installment of "Great Moments in Literature" we explored the change in the "Bob Backlund" character from the WWE over the changing seasons of history.

Here: Great Moment in Literature 1

For this installment, we shall be looking into a character from the wide world of film, he is the highly interesting movie character by the name of "Stan Gable" from the Masterpiece quartet of films known as "Revenge of the Nerds."

The fictional character of "Stan Gable" was portrayed by Ted McGinley (most know him off of "Married: With Children" fame).

Glossary of Terms to be Used in Article

Nerd: A human being either male or female of high intelligence who dabbles in science and/or technological fields of expertise. Their commitment to learning has rendered them virtual shut-ins and their social skills are limited at best. They are awkward, weird, and appear highly abnormal to other non-nerd humans who observe them.

Jock: A human, ninety-nine percent of the time male, who's testosterone levels are higher than average. The Jock releases the excess hormones they produce by engaging in sporting events and fistfights. They do not care at all for Nerds and attempt to hinder the nerd and humiliate them any time they encounter one.

Self-Hating Nerd: These are nerds who feel ashamed of who they are due to the constant torment directed against them. They try to conceal their nerditude and live life behind a mask...they live in fear behind a costume they have created for themselves. They hide from their own selves.


Pre-Am-BuLation

We shall present Stan Gable's character over the course of four Revenge of the Nerds masterpiece films. The sections shall be broken into, (A) synopsis of film, (B) a brief thought about how good or not good the music portion of the film was, (C) a rating from 0 to 5 "stars" to denote how good the overall film was, and (D) a look into the Stan Gable character and its role in the film.

We shall conclude with an assessment of the Stan Gable character's overall transformation from the first to the last of the RotN films.

Yes, yes.


Revenge of the Nerds!

Let's get started,

1. Revenge of the Nerds

Synopsis: Two bestest of pals head off to college together with their hopes and dreams as high as the sky. Trouble is, they are nerds and what's waiting for them at college is not what they hoped for. The sports teams get all the funding and accolades whilst the smart students are ridiculed and tormented. The Jocks who persecute the nerds are led by the likes of the quarterback of the football team (portrayed by Ted McGinley), the coach of the football team (played by John Goodman), and the biggest dumbest man on the football team referred to as The Ogre (portrayed by the loveable Donald Gibb). Can the nerds band together and stand strong? Or will their persecution never ever end?



Musical Portion: The nerds bust into the talent contest with this number (and IT'S TOTALLY AWESOME...I can still recite every word of this song on command and verbatim)...

YEAH

Film Quality: 5 Stars

On the verge of tears...of defeat.
Stan Gable's Role: Stan Gable is the head villain in the film who leads the charge for the jock forces. He aims to not only make life difficult for the nerds but to destroy them. He is the anti-nerd, the complete polar opposite of what a nerd is. Nerds are his natural-born enemies and he despises every last one of them with every bone in his body. 

Once the nerds assemble and begin to resist the jocks aggressions and incursions into their territories...the tables are turned on Gable and he and his jocks must brace themselves for the end-all battle at the talent show. 

Gable's elite jock contingent, in the final hours, cannot withstand the unified forces of the nerds, the moos, and the Bernie Casey led Tri-Lambdas...who defeat the Jocks and leave Stan Gable shattered, broken, and in tears. Stan Gable was utterly defeated by his sworn enemies with the final insult being the head nerd making passionate love to his girlfriend. (Nerds: 1 Jocks: 0)


2. Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise

Synopsis: The Nerds, now a unified fighting force assembled under the Tri-Lambda banner, are invited down to beautiful Fort Lauderdale, Florida to represent their fraternity in the National frat convention. Trouble is...the Jocks flying the Alpha Beta frat banner (though weakened in strength and numbers from the previous film) have been invited to the convention as well. 

Are Nerds and Jocks destined to clash heads once more? Can the nerds cope a second time around...or will all gains made in the first battle be lost?

The battlegrounds may be the sandy beaches of Florida this time around...but the passions of the combatants will not be lowered due to the beautiful relaxing atmosphere. A boiling point is brewing in the Jock/Nerd WAR!

Musical Portion: A little rap thing. It's nothing to write home about.

Film Quality: 4 Stars

Stan Gable's Role: Gable is now a man hell-bent on revenge. He suffered the most humiliating of defeats in the first Jock/Nerd battle and his pride thirsts for the most coldest of vengeance and his heart burns with the hottest of rage.

Stan Gable is not a man who admits defeat easily and sends his well prepared Alpha Betas into the Floridian battlegrounds with all his bases covered. Never a stranger to devious schemes and now a master of the 36 divine stratagems of war...Gable is confident he will put the grimy nerds back in their place. Not wanting to cast himself directly onto the front lines and jeopardize the plan he works covertly behind the scenes...and entrusts the mission in the hands of Vice-Jock Bradley Whitford (the bad guy from Billy Madison) and The Ogre.

His ultimate plan succeeds in entrapping the Nerds on a deserted island...where he leaves them to die. Yet, the plan comes awry as the Jocks make a critical error of backstabbing The Ogre in the back when they felt The Ogre was of no more use to them.

The Ogre, after smoking loads of marijuana cigarettes with the nerds, befriends them and is converted into a nerd. The combined force of the Nerds' intelligence and Ogre's brute strength form the most dangerous team in history and it leads to the Nerds escaping the deserted island alive.

The Nerds now in alliance with The Ogre and re-united with Booger who was off doing hardcore gross-out loogie-horking training with the venerable Master Snotty...happen upon a shack of military surplus equipment and use this equipment to raid the frat convention grounds in tanks...to once again take home the glory of victory in battle. (Nerds: 2, Jocks: 0)


Revenge of the Nerds 3: The New Batch

Synopsis: Many moons have passed and many old grudges have settled. The Adams University which was turned into a veritable battleground has now seen an era of peace and prosperity in the last half-decade. The Nerds won, they re-fitted the gymnasium into being a computer center and erected a statue of Einstein to display Nerd honor to all those who's eyes bestowed upon the center. They built monuments to their past victories, is what they did.

Morton Downey Jr., a wealthy local Captain of Industry, has enrolled his son into Adams and is shocked to come back to his old stomping grounds to witness first hand the Nerd atrocity of turning the gym into a computer center. Morton Downey Jr.'s veins swell with unfathomable and unquenchable anger over the Nerds lack of respect for Jock culture. The great and mighty Downey Jr. makes an oath to himself to stop this swelling tide of Nerd change and restore Adams as the Jock stronghold it once was.

Music Portion: The Korean Elvis impersonator does something, and there's a rap song. Both are not worthy of writing home about.

Film Quality: 4 Stars

Stan Gable's Role: Stan Gable is no longer a star quarterback, now he is a lonely policeman who's pickup truck is in desperate need of repairs. He tries to exact revenge on Nerds through his pseudo-position-of-authority by giving them traffic tickets for infractions they didn't even make...but all in all..Stan Gable is but a mere shadow of his once proud self.

Yet...he's not the only one. The Head Nerd, Lewis Skolnick, has a weary mind from past battles as well. After claiming Gable's would-be wife as his own through hard fought battle and excellent sessions of love making...Lewis feels a new confidence. This new confident Lewis begins to hate his former self and he sheds all markings of his nerdom. He starts to wear cool clothes (well, sorta), he grows a stupid looking pony-tail, refers to himself as "Lew" and stops himself from laughing with his Jamie Cromwell-esque super-nerdy laugh. He believes he is a new and better man...yet just like Stan Gable...Lewis Skolnick is only a shadow of his former proud self. He has become...the dreaded Self-Hating Nerd.

Stan Gable sees this un-nerdy Skolnick as a sign of extreme weakness in his former proud enemy. He sees this as chance to prey on the once dangerous nerd and reclaim his would-be bride from the clutches of his nemesis. Gable finds a powerful ally in the dastardly yet cunning Morton Downey Jr. and together they form a nefarious alliance of evil. Through Mort's powerful connections he installs Stan Gable as the new dean of Adams.

Gable, now more cunning under the stewardship of the evil Mort Downey, attempts his clever ruse of stealing Lew's wife by using the old tactic of "keeping thy friends close but thine enemies closer" as he feigns remorse and apologizes to Lew...winning his nemesis' friendship. Lew Skolnick shakes hands with a veritable devil that Stan Gable has become...and behind Gable's back is the most sharpest of back-stabbing knives primed for the nerdly back of his enemy.

Meanwhile, the new batch of Nerds at Adams (which include John "Nay-Nay" Pinette in a rare acting role) are no match for the tandem of Morton Downey Jr. and Stan Gable...they plead for the hero of yesteryear, Lew, to help them yet he is a self-hating nerd who defends his new "friend" Stan Gable at every instance of transgression. Their only hope lies in a lawyer they find in the Tri-Lambda former members database...the man known as Booger.

Downey devises a master plan of getting the Nerds framed and arrested for drug trafficking and it succeeds without a hitch...yet shockingly, in a turn of events no one expected...Stan Gable whilst testifying against the Nerds breaks down....

It wasn't tears of defeat....
Gable's heart was heavy for a long time and his conscience weighed him down like a rock....and right there on the stand he broke down and sold out the dastardly Morton Downey Jr. instead of the Nerds! But Why!?

Do you know why Gable was crying in Revenge of The Nerds One? Because of his defeat? No, it turns out that was not the source of this man's tears, not in the least. All these years...Gable was keeping a secret. Lewis wasn't the only self-hating nerd in this movie...Stan Gable...this whole time...since the very beginning...was a Nerd...a Nerd who hated himself.

In Revenge of the Nerds 1, all those years ago, while he was the star quarterback...that day when the Nerds won and defeated the Jocks....Gable wasn't crying because he lost...nay-nay...he was crying because he wasn't able to celebrate with them. Because he was not able to be true to himself and be a proud Nerd like he knew in his heart he was...he was relegated to solitude...unable to celebrate with his brethren.

Wow. That's fucking deep, word.


Revenge of The Nerds 4: Booger Gets Married

Synopsis: Booger gets married and a bunch of stuff happens.

Music Portion: Takashi sings a nice Japanese song at the end...it's still nothing to write home about though.

 Film Quality: 1 Star

Stan Gable's Role: Gable is now a full fledged nerd with a pocket-protector, glasses, and chicken-pox. Yes, chicken pox. He misses Booger's entire wedding due to being afflicted with a nerdy skin disease and has to stay in his motel room all week playing virtual reality video games and having nerd-sex with his nerdy girlfriend. 

He's in detente now, his character has finished its growth cycle. 

Cool.


Conclusion
The Real Stan Gable

The villainous Stan Gable went from a man who viciously tormented others...to a man content and happy to be himself. It is truly a great literary transformation that is warranted as being considered one of Literature's Greatest Moments.

What is the moral of the Parable of Stan Gable? It is "Don't Lie to Yourself...."

...Always be true to yourself, very very true to your own self. All of us should be truer to our selfs, big time.

Lying to yourself? That's just stupid, guy.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

In Semi-Defense of the Cos

I am writing on the subject of Bill Cosby today and his recent negative press over allegations against him. Lately, many women have come forward with the claim that The Cos got a bit too frisky with their pussies back in the day. Reruns of his syndicated Cosby Show are being pulled from the air and everyone is hating on the man big time.

I am only semi-defending Cosby, for I do not know if the allegations are true or not.

Why Doesn't Robin get the Same Treatment?

RIP, Legend.
Rest in peace comedy legend Robin Williams you were great (although Patch Adams made me cringe and puke).

His death was so sudden and sad, yet I think in regards to the current Cosby situation some of his past transgressions should be stated. 

Everyone only has nice things to say about Robin, yet in 1986 allegations arose that he gave herpes to many waitresses around the country by having sex with them and conveniently forgetting to inform them that he had the terrible terrible herpes. The cases were thrown out in court and the media never talks about these allegations. There's truth to them too...Williams 100% did have herpes and he did tour the entire country working in comedy clubs where pretty waitresses worked at...two plus two usually equals 4, no?  There's more evidence to these allegations against him than the ones against The Cos yet no one really has ever heard about them. Robin is always seen as a guy who did no wrong.

Still, it might be just respect for the deceased that excludes the press from talking about that...I am sure when Cosby dies he will have a wave of positive press and none of the negative side of him will be talked about.

Another example of a comic swiftly bypassing allegations is that retarded little shitball Woodie Allen, this guy adopted a young girl and then when she turned 17 he divorced his wife and married his daughter. Recently, allegations have been made that he raped a 7 year old girl...yet those allegations kind of came and went. Woodie is still in Hollywood making movies and people still want to work with him. Personally, I think Woodie Allen is garbage both at life and at making movies. Do I believe Allen raped a 7 year old girl? Look, a guy who divorces his wife to marry his adopted 17 year old daughter obviously has some mental problems and it is not out of the question that he did other shit to other young women. Again, who knows if they are true but there's more to go on with these allegation than the ones made about Cosby.

Robin and Woodie never had their careers hindered by allegations women have made about them. So why is the Cos not getting a free ride through these allegations like they did? Who knows.


What Started this Mess

Hannibal Buress
Comedian Hannibal Buress does a bit where he talks mad shit about Cosby, including referencing the allegations against him. The reason he does this bit isn't to get Cosby in trouble, it's just to tell Cosby to back the fuck off and let young comics do their thing. I don't think he meant any harm.

I think Buress is very talented....and I respect the edge and the ballz he's got. There's actually a very specific reason I dig Buress (and it's not just because he has a really cool name). Hannibal as a black stand up knows the majority of his demographic audience is black Americans and when you have a demographic...what most people do is say whatever that demo wants to hear and never shake things up. They tailor-make their routine to coincide with what their demo wants to hear. In regards to how black Americans feel about religion (specifically Christianity) the majority of that demographic is devoutly religious. So for example, take the walking stereotype Katt Williams talking about religion to his demo...



He states that anyone who could believe in evolution is a retard. Now in contrast, let's look at a bit by Buress on the subject of christianity in comparison:

Bit: H. Buress, "Burritos and Jesus" bit via Comedy Central.

Some I.P.s can't access CC if they are outside the States (haha I can't right now either, I hope it's the right bit) so the transcript of the bit is as follows...
My neighborhood is changing so much, there was a nice Mexican restaurant that served tasty burritos...but it is now a small church, which is very upsetting for me. Because I like burritos more than I like Jesus...because burritos are very delicious...
          ....and they're real! 

          (Buress, H.)
      
Honestly, I've never seen a black comedian in history (maybe I'm mistaken), talk shit about the J-man. I don't think I ever have...I even googled the terms "Dick Gregory, Jesus" and can't seem to find anything concrete, I'm sure Dick did but he's more spoken word than stand up, anyway. Making fun of religion is just something you don't do because the demo doesn't want to hear that. Therefore, Buress is far more edgy than a Katt Williams...even if he's not saying "mother fucker this and mother fucker that" or talking about dicks and pussies and sex...he's saying shit that I don't think any other black comedian has ever said before. He's talking mad smack about Christ, yo.

Anyways, this section is supposed to be about the current feud between Hannibal Buress and The Cos so we better get into that soon...

Bill Cosby (star of great films such as Leonard Part 6), perceives himself as being the authority of good taste and the prescriptive principal of what all black actors can do, we've heard over the years about the "call" where once a black comedian gets famous they get a phone call from The Cos telling them they are not allowed to swear or say anything dirty.

Eddie's experience with the "phone call"

Cosby is so howdy-doody, that when his TV-daughter (not even his real life daughter!) started doing nude scenes in movies in 1987...he flipped out and fired her from the show. He really has a high opinion of himself and is fast to engage in finger-pointing for what he believes is indecent behavior.

To me, what Hannibal Buress is doing in this situation is interesting. He wasn't trying to get Cosby in trouble, he's just trying his best to say what many people have probably wanted to say but thought it would kill their career...he wanted to say something a long the lines of "Oh just fuck off you old bozo and let me be me!"


Why Some People are Happy

When a howdy-doody, goodie-two-shoes, gets some dirt on his shirt...it kind of makes some people happy. The majority of people don't like howdy-doodies.

I remember a lot of people in the baseball world were happy when the clean-cut howdy-doodies Steve Garvey and Wade Boggs had extra-marital affairs. It was almost like people breathed a sigh of relief that these Mr. Perfects weren't "perfect" anymore.

Cosby has spent his life pointing his finger and shaming people for saying the F-word or showing their tits in a magazine...so it's kind of fitting and a sigh of relief for some that Mr. Perfect has gotten a few stains on his reputation.

Conclusion

Some people, me included, like seeing the reputation of howdy-doodies come down to earth a little bit. No one is perfect, and I'm sure a lot of comedians who got the "call" telling them they aren't allowed to swear and Lisa Bonet who was ex-communicated by Cosby for showing her nipples in a photo shoot are probably pretty happy that Cosby's picture-perfect reputation is finally blemished.

Hopefully it doesn't get out of hand though, Robin Williams' career was NEVER hindered after the allegations made about him. Robin was allowed to be Howdiest of Doodies his whole life despite being accused of spreading his herpes to countless women without informing them of his condition...and I think if Robin was allowed to cruise through his career unblemished then so should Bill Cosby.

I know issues of race were touched in this article. I kind of hinted that the white Robin Williams cruised through his allegations while the black Cosby didn't get to bypass them. I think a case could be made in the effect that if Robin was black he wouldn't have been allowed to cool breeze out of that mess as easily...but that's not the main point of this article.

The big issue being presented here is Old versus Young. Young people all around the world want to take a step forward and leave their imprint on the world now. The old systems, the old concepts of "right and wrong", the old ways of operating, and many other things are on their way out as new concepts, new systems, and new methods of operating are coming in. Young people collectively are all basically all saying, "hey old folks...let us do our thing!"

In my opinion what Hannibal Buress was doing was just taking a step forward as a young comic trying to carve out a place in the world by telling an authoritative icon from a previous generation to get off everyone's back and leave them alone. I think it was the exact same bit that Eddie Murphy did on Raw many years ago...a sort of "hey! I'm young and cool and you old guys can drink my pee pee!" ...Hannibal made it a little more RAWer though (if he didn't raw it up and change it a bit he would have just been stealing Eddie's bit from the 80s).

I think it is getting out of hand though, Bill Cosby has NEVER been proven guilty of ANY of these allegations made against him. No stations should pull the Cosby show off of syndication...because it is still one of the greatest shows of all time.

Yazzum Pazzazum!


(End Note: I saw Leonard Part 6 when I was like a little kid, and I LOVED IT. I think it was very fun for young viewers. You have to rate films aimed at children a little different than films aimed at adults and I think Leonard Part 6 isn't as awful as people say...it's a good film for ages 8-13)

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Another Heino-rific Update!

The stats are down. I love stats, I gotta get the views back up....I don't even make money or anything from this dumb blog but I love numbers and I love stats.

This blog's views by country basically breakdown into this order:

1. USA
2. France
3. Germany
4. China
5. Canada
6. Russia
7. UK
8. India


So I gotta give 'em what they want. Those countries are the countries that tend to peruse my blog at times.

I write a lot of of baseball articles which probably explains why the Americans are number one in hits on this blog.

France? I have absolutely no idea why so many people in France read these articles. I don't know which articles interest them but something in this blog does, it seems. Maybe one day this month I'll write some nice french poems for France.

After I did a Chinese movie review I gotta lot hits from China...so I gave them what they wanted and did some more Chinese movie reviews by reviewing the heck out of all those Chinese Gamblin' Movies.

Germany? They like the Heino ones. I Haven't wrote anything about Heino in a long time...so let's reach out to Germany and do another hard-hittin' Heino article.

If you wanna read this blog's previous Hard Hittin' Heino articles please see:

1. The Secret of Re-Invention (as Exampled by Heino) (Oct/2011)
2. Is Heino's Final Form Finally Upon Us? (Jan/2013)

To sum up those two articles, we looked at Heino's ability to Heino-Volve at will and shift himself within the music paradigm and the second article chronicled what is likely to be Heino's final Heino-Volution...his transmogrification into Metal-Heino.

No, Metal-Heino isn't like a Mecha-Godzilla sorta robot version of Heino...the "Metal" in Metal-Heino refers to the musical genre...."Heavy Metal."


Why do I even Know about Heino?  

Before we get started, I bet a lot of Germans are wondering why I even know about Heino let alone why I write strange essays about him.

Heino became well know in North America for two reasons.

First, Late Show talk show host David Letterman mentioned Heino on a minimum of two separate occasions in the early nineties. The first time holding up a Liebe Mutter CD (one of the oddest looking records covers ever), and the second time showing a clip of Heino's great music...as seen here:


The other party who introduced Heino to North American audiences was one of my favoritist bands ever, The Hanson Brothers, who back in 1996 released their smash-hit single "You Can't Hide the Heino" on their smash-hit record "Sudden Death" (the single was previously only released as a Europe-only promotional tune).

Hansons live in Berlin (Heino's Heimatland)

The confirmed story as to how this song came about is believed to be that Hanson's guitarist Tommy Hollistion was in a bar in Germany after a performance....and being a known-fan of awful music...had purchased many a Heino record prior to entering the establishment. The bar in question was quite a swanky place and he felt ashamed that he had so many Heino records on his person that he attempted the best he could to hide them (under his shirt, etc.) yet the records were simply too big to conceal. It proved to be a difficult endeavor to conceal Heino records to avoid embarrassment yet in the end the truth of the matter was...the simple inarguable ubiquitous truth that..."You Can't Hide the Heino."

Alright, so that's why I know about Heino...due to Dave Letterman and the Hanson Brothers.

Heino-Volution Complete

As most people know, Heino's current form is that of Metal-Heino, which is surprisingly a monstrous hit over in Germany.

The initial larva stage of Heino's Heavy Metal transformation was met with skepticism to put it lightly...and with good reason. Heino is a very odd fellow in more ways than one and I don't think anyone thought he would try and conquer the Metal scene at the tender age of 75. When he released his first cover album of harder songs he was met with terrible criticism by many of the bands he covered.

In the second of my Heino articles, I pondered why Die Toten Hosen hated Heino so much, and I came to the conclusion that they did so to form an offensive to keep Heino away from the hardcore scene...for they knew they could not compete with his record sales. I feel this is the same reason many bands covered by Heino on his hardcore CD had such vicious criticisms of him...they feared the chameleon of music known as the Heino was now officially entering the hardcore genre.

Heino never had a number 1 hit on the German charts, ever, yet at the age of 75...Heino's hardcore CD hit number 1 on the German charts and proceeded to go platinum. Yeah, his record sales blew everyone else out of the water the second he stepped into the hardcore scene. Wow.

What about all those haters who hated on him...where was the hate when his record sales blew them out of the water? Nowhere, he shut the haters up. The metal scene figured that if they can't beat Heino...then join him. Need proof? Look who took the stage at Germany's biggest Metal Festival last year...

 Heino.

It appears the larva stage of his Heino-Volution has completed and the time has come for Heino's Final Form to reach 100% of its true Music Power Level. Behold Heino's new promo photo...

Holy shit....he looks cool.
It only took him 75 years, but Heino finally looks pretty cool. He looks like Vigo the god damned Carpathian over here! What the fuck!?

Ok, Heino's not satisfied with just out-selling the other metal acts in Germany...he actually wants to become the King of Metal. He looks fucking bad ass, man.

According to a recent press release, Heino has a new Metal album coming out in December called "Black Enzian" which is supposedly way hardcorer than his last album. If this photo is any indication of how hardcore this fucking album is gonna be...then yo...this album is gonna be crazy.


Why Has Heino So Easily Conquered the Metal Scene?

How could a 75 year old man with chronic exophthalmos just walk into the metal scene and totally conquer it in less than a year? Maybe because metal kind of sucks these days.

I think it was Jello Biafra who said, "Metal has done what no gym teacher could ever accomplish...to get everyone to dress exactly the same." It's true too, metal is very uniform...the whole scene is very cookie-cutter. They all try to look the same, act the same, dance the same, and make the same song over and over and over and over. I personally cannot tell the difference between one metal band of this era to the next...I really can't...it's too cookie cutter, man.

It wouldn't hurt to fuse some other style with metal to try and get something new. I've seen rap/metal and other fusions but everyone expected that. I want real original shit...like real weird ass fusions.

Heino's not the first person to try and take his personal style and fuse it with Metal...here are some other less famous instances.

1. Pat Boone



In 1997 Pat Boone put this garbage out. Oh boy. This album sucks ass.  Boone just takes the lyrics of harder songs and sings them in his style. It sucks balls...it really does. Don't buy this or even listen to it.


2. Richard Cheese


This album, like Boone's, isn't really a fusion. The only thing taken from the hardcore songs are the lyrics and none of the musical components are used in the fusion. Cheese is better than Boone though...some of his numbers are pretty catchy.


3. Anton Maiden

Okay, here we go, now this is what I'm talkin' 'bout. Anton Maiden took Iron Maiden songs...converted them to 8-bit MIDI files, took out the lyrics, and put his more better lyrics over them.

Website with mp3s: http://antonmaiden.altervista.org/

I like this, I find him very original. Very unique fellow. In fact over the years when I have had the urge to listen to Iron Maiden songs...I often find myself loading up the Anton Maiden versions of them...almost as if I enjoy them more than the actual Iron Maiden versions. It's odd.

Like many Internet Celebrities of the late nineties...Anton had his share of suicide rumors. Most internet celebs did, I guess it's because it's so easy to make a suicide rumor and people seem to believe more readily that an Internet Celeb would be prone to suicide.

For example, there were countless suicide rumors about that guy who sang Aicha back in the day...but it turns out that Gellieman is not only alive and well but was not even Eastern European to fucking begin with (evidence).

There were countless rumors that Mikey, the kid who made a site to find his "future girlfriend" had done himself in. Again, all those suicide rumors were untrue...in fact Mikey is not only alive and well but is a now looking for his "future boyfriend."

With Anton though, it was a different story. When the suicide rumors started flying...unfortunately they were 100% true. Riddled with drug addiction Anton killed himself in 2003. That news floored me when it was confirmed back then...everyone loved Anton...it really seriously floored me when I read he killed himself. You were the best Anton.

Anton's unique take on Iron Maiden songs is in essence what the metal scene needs...originality!


It's Heino's Time to Shine

Metal World...take note, there's a new act on the scene...he's 75 years old and he aspires to be the King of Metal.

Hey, who says you can't teach an old dog some new tricks? That cliche has been torn to shreds by Heino in the last year.

I have a feeling his next album is gonna actually be fucking cool as fuck.


EDIT (December 10th, 2014):





Here's his smash hit music video single for his album and it's....something. Hahahahahah, this rules. The only thing I don't understand is why Heino has mounted a flare gun on his wrist watch to shoot old ladies in the face with. Metal-Heino rules.