Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Punchin' Up some Scripts.

I wanna learn how to write movies good.

I mainly write things in this blog to get better at the skill known as Writing. It's like any other skill, writing is, like you have to practice to get any good at it. I always used to read a lot but writing is more harder than reading and thus is a harder challenge to take on. Gettin' good at writing is like going to the driving range, or taking a car to a field to drive around and learn it....to really learn writing you got to go to a field (a paper or a computer screen) and start punchin' up keys 'til you gain proficiency as such.

This site mainly deals with essay-style writing because that's the only style I really know...but movie writing seems fun too.

I was on the internet the other day and saw someone a tweet a movie pitch he had to Jean Claude Van Damme over twitter. It was the internet writer Seanbaby and he pitched a sequel to Time Cop via twitter. He broke the pitch into 48 twitterable chunks and then assembled them chronologically backwards so if you are reading the film from his twitter feed...it would read from start to finish.

I realized while reading that Time Cop 2 pitch...that I've seen so many movies....that I can play a movie in my head and basically construct and visualize an entire film that doesn't exist in my brain. While reading the Time Cop 2 script I could easily visualize the goings-on of this film, no problem at all. It feels like I've already seen Tim Cop 2 even though it does not even exist.

Looking back, I've visualized entire films in my head over the course of a general-day many times....just from my imagination and nothing else. I look into the abyss of nothingness in my skull and then slowly visualize entire films from start to finish. Films that don't exist...films constructed from experiences of watching many films.

Sanguillen's Quest
Like one time, I read this article about how Pirates catcher Manny Sanguillen refused to believe that Roberto Clemente died in a plane crash and vowed to search the area where his plane went down and find his friend alive. While reading that article, I kept thinking, "damn, this would make such a touching film." The next day while at work and showering and stuff....that movie happened in my head. Manny Sanguillen's search for his friend kept me unbored while doing shitty stuff at work. This wasn't a great movie, though, it was a long time ago, it was probably like 10 years ago...my mental movies are better now. My imagination got too out of hand with this film and Sanguillen, whilst in the jungles of Nicaragua (or was it Ecuador?), had to battle lizards....and then the lizards kept getting bigger...and by the end he was fighting Dinosaurs with Lazor Beamz and it was just a silly place to take a heartwarming film such as this.

Committing these mental movies to some sort of existent record may be a fun exercise. Maybe it'll teach me how to write movies. You have to stick to your strengths when trying to write a new style of writing....and when it comes to movies...I seem to have some experience writing bio-pics for obscure baseball catchers.

Oh wait...I just remembered....

One time I did write a baseball bio-pic in school as a sort of joke thing to see what the teacher would say. I copied it to this blog and it's in this article over here....

(If you scroll all the way down in this mess to the pic of Steve Jeltz you can read Steve Jeltz Saves Christmas: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2012/02/old-crap-from-school.html)

That Steve Jeltz Christmas story is a very very heartwarming story. I was young when I wrote that, re-reading it now...I think I was a better person back then.

Soooo.....the only experience I have in both fiction writing and story telling is with obscure baseball players so I might as well train harder in the Obscure Baseball Player Story Telling genre in order to not have to learn anything new or apply myself too much whilst practicing movie writing.

First we'll need an obscure player, and sticking with the back-up catcher motif, we shall try and write a back-up catcher bio-pic. Hmmmmm, how about.....

A Mike LaValliere romance-comedy? No.

A Tony Eusabio crime drama? No.

A Ron Karkovice buddy cop film? No.

A deep introspective kafka-esque Lenny Webster vehicle? No.

A Rick Cerone workin' man movie? Hmmmmm......Yes!


The Rick Cerone Story

Well, that's the movie I'm gonna play around with in order to try and learn how to write movies. So, you can stop reading now if you want or you can follow me on this amazing adventure in learning.

Baseball bio pics are pretty common....I read there's a Bill Lee one coming out produced by Eric Gagne. I'm gonna watch that for sure.

The premise for the Bill Lee movie (this Bill Lee movie is a real one not like mine) has him fooling around in rural Quebec from what I've read and I don't know how that will sell to American audiences. I think they'd make more money setting it in Boston, no? It's not even Montreal it's set in, it's set in like the Triple AAA league and in like Granby or something.

I watched that Jackie Robinson bio-pic with Harrison Ford and it was really good and it made big bucks. Montreal had a big role to play in Jackie's rise to success yet in the movie they really cut out any reference to Montreal except for a brief mention by Ford at one point. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed but I understand why they set it in Florida and that's because American audiences respond better to that. They don't want to hear about french Canada if they don't have to. The Bill Lee movie, I hope it does well, despite being set in rural french Canada. I think it's a great idea but I'm not sure how the American audiences will react to the non-american setting for the Bill Lee bio-pic.

Anyways, this article I'm writing is about my baseball bio-pic so we better get to it. My movie isn't gonna have any trouble with setting because it's gonna be set in the biggest city there is...New Fucking York in 19-fucking-81...The Big Apple, baby. That's the biggest setting there is!

Now we need some historical information to base our "based on actual events" bio-pic on. If you're not familiar with that phrase it basically means...."based on something we read once and it sounded cool so we stole the idea." I'm gonna use this New York Times article as my "actual events" as such.

"And Rick Cerone is STILL on Trial" October 12th, 1981:
(http://www.nytimes.com/1981/10/12/sports/and-rick-cerone-is-still-on-trial.html)

Did you read it? Now do you see why a Rick Cerone "workin' man versus the big wig" type of movie would be awesome? All the characters for the film are set-up from that 1981 Dave Anderson article. The working hero and the rich evil big wig boss that is keeping our hero down.....those two polarized characters are easy to work with. George Steinbrenner as the villain is a great character to work with, most people remember the back-of-his-head portrayed in Seinfeld yet my movie will portray all-of-his-head and even his body.

The first high-drama climactic scene will be based of the actual event of Cerone and Steinbrenner "exchanging expletives word-for-word." The schism event will be everyone turning on Cerone which makes him feel down and sad...but as you can see the source-material article....the victory at the end will be "50,000 fans cheering for the hero" Rick Cerone.... and in the end his enemy will accept him as being "my type of ball player." So it will be a happy ending for sure.

Hmmmm, we need a few more characters. We need a comedy-relief dopey side-kick who plays Cerone's roomate, we need a cool black guy who doesn't dig Cerone at first but by the end really digs him, we need a sub-boss secondary villain and we need a hot-chick too. I can fill those roles by looking at the 1981/1982 Yankees rosters....and for the chick I'll just google a hot celeb from 1981/82 and pretend Cerone and her were intimate lovers.

So let's make a list before it gets too confusing, these are the basics so far.

Title: The Rick Cerone Story

Hero: Rick Cerone
Bad Guy: George Steinbrenner
Vice-BadGuy: Bob Lemon
Dopey Side-Kick: Lou Pinella or Bucky Dent
Cool Black Dude: Oscar Gamble
Hot Chick: Olivia Newton-John

Main Theme: A "Stone Cold vs. Vince McMahon" style thing of the Working Man fights back against The Boss.
Secondary Themes: Baseball, Italian Culture of the 80s, White person and Black person becoming best friends, swearing, toilet humor.

Schism: Steinbrenner's dislike for Cerone spreads throughout the entire organization and all the Yankees, even the FANS, start hating poor Rick Cerone. Will he quit baseball forever or will he win back his teammates and fans hearts?

Climactic Victory: Through strength of character and a timely homerun....Rick Cerone wins his teammates respect and the adulation of New York baseball fans.

Oscar Gamble = Cool Black Dude
Ooooooh, it sounds pretty good, this movie. Obviously we need a cast. Now, for that Bill Lee bio-pic they cast a real pretty-boy named Josh Duhamel to play Lee....but my movie's lead is a workin' man so I can't cast a pretty boy type. I need a big overweight Italian guy to portray Rick Cerone correctly.

We need an overweight, Italian, preferably a Yankees fan, who excels at swearin' and toilet humor....hmmm....

An image is forming in my mind, yes, it is. I can see who meets these criterion crystal clear in my brain. The ONLY person who I can think of who possibly can do justice to this film and tell the important story that NEEDS to be told with this Rick Cerone bio picture is...of course...

Artie Lange.

Artie Lange as Rick Cerone.
Lange is the only human on earth who could enter into the Rick Cerone character and really do it the justice it deserves. It's a perfect fit. We're talking oscar here...not Oscar Gamble this time....but oscar like award-oscar. If someone actually makes this film and casts Artie Lange as the lead....I absolutely guarantee it will be regarded as a cinematic triumph of the amazingest degree. No joke.

They'd need to dye his hair and stuff though so he can pass as being a 29 year old athlete....but he has range, Artie, so I think he can stretch the role and pull it off.

You should see how the movie goes in my head, it's great, like Artie is really really good in it. He's funny but he's also very believable and the audience really relates to him.

The other actors can be slotted in later...the villain has to be mean, the side kick has to be goofy, the black dude has to be cool, and the chick has to be hot...that's the only criterion for those roles.

Look, after I'm done punchin' up dis script I'm gonna shop it around to all the big movie people and shit so I'm not gonna just throw the script in the next section, but, I will provide dialogue samples from certain key scenes of the film.

Sample Scenes

Okie-doke, so here are some samplers from the script. I'll set them up so you know what the fuck is going on in the scene too.

Humorous Scene 2C:
In this will-be memorable scene, Rick Cerone is catching in a game but needs to use the bathroom to move his bowels. The umpire is another Italian man named Ron Luciano (who is played by Ernest Borgnine....oh wait...he's dead...sorry...Ron Luciano will be played by Pat Cooper).

This scene is based on the actual event when Hubie Brooks one time (this actually happened) called time out to go take a leak during an at-bat.

Hubie had to go to the bathroom.

In real life Hubie had to number-1 but in my Luciano-Cerone scene it is a heavy number-2 that Cerone needs to evacuate from his body. Both characters being Italian, you'll noticed that, they use a lot of Italianized english terms and talk a lot about Italian cuisine. The scene begins as Cerone catches a fastball and turns to look at Luciano and says...

Rick Cerone: Luch! Holy shit! I...I....I gotta go!
Ron Luciano: Go? Whaddya talkin' 'bout "go"? Go where? Wat the fuck you talkin' 'bout?
Rick Cerone: You fuckin' fongoul...I gotta fucking take a shit!
Ron Luciano: A shit!? What? There's NO SHITTIN' IN BASEBALL! Ya dumb segarsi!
Rick Cerone: Luch, man, I gotta go, I'm not fucking shittin' you man...I gotta shit!
Ron Luciano: Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? You're fucking joking ya stupid asshole! Skeevosa!
Rick Cerone: You're gonna see in about 5 seconds that I wasn't jokin' you fat piece of garbage!
Ron Luciano:  You cazzo-suckin' asshole! Turn aroun' and leave me the fuck alone!
Rick Cerone: Luch....on my grandmother's grave...I swear I'm telling the truth.
Ron Luciano: On....your grandmother's grave?
Rick Cerone: Ya. Man, I ate 2 cannolies, a pizza, and a buncha gnoccies for pranzo!
Ron Luciano: You crazy sonavabitch...........TIME!

(Wow, you should see Pat Cooper in this scene....he is simply impeccable....like his timing and stuff).


Confrontation Scene 1F:
In this scene Rick Cerone has just made a grievous mental error of a magnitude which most would describe as being  "game-altering".  George Steinbrenner (all of his head, not just the back of his head) calls Rick on the telephone and proceeds to tell him he's over-weight, stupid, and ugly.

Rick Cerone: Hello, it's me Rick Cerone. Who the fuck is this?
George Steinbrenner: Who the fuck is this!? Who the fuck do you think asshole!?
Rick Cerone: Oh, Mr. Steinbrenner hi, uh, howzit goin' ?
George Steinbrenner: Ooooooh just swell, just swell fatso.....
Rick Cerone: ....
George Steinbrenner: It's just that your dumpy mentally-crippled ass COST ME THE GAME!
Rick Cerone: Hey, hey...come on. Didja see how Goose pitched today? He sucked shit!
George Steinbrenner: No! You know who sucked shit out there, today? YOU DID FUCK FACE!
Rick Cerone: ME!? FUCK FACE!? Ya I'm a fuck face alright....BECAUSE I FUCK FACES!
George Steinbrenner: You fuck faces? NO! You have the face that gets fucked....fuck-face!
Rick Cerone: Wanna bet? How 'bout I come into your office and fuck you in the face?
George Steinbrenner: YOU fuck ME in the face? You fat stupid retarded asshole! FUCK YOU.
Rick Cerone: You're the fuck-face...you fucked-up fuckin' FUCK FACE. Fuck you MORE than FUCK ME! BYE! FUCKER!

(Ooooh that scene's intense. This is the eighties too so it's those rotary phones you can SLAM down hard and shit. Wow).

Reconciliation Scene 2B.1
In his scene Oscar Gamble and his humongous and wicked-cool afro come to make amends with Rick Cerone after Rick helps Oscar's girlfriend fend off creeps at a Detroit disco-tech after a road game.

Oscar Gamble:Yo smooth brother.....
Rick Cerone: ???

Oscar Gamble: I.....I.....I.....yo.....thanks for helpin' my girl back in Detroit.
Rick Cerone: Hey, it's nuthin' man.
Oscar Gamble: Smooth brother....I'm sorry for calling you a fat ugly Guinea Dego piece of shit.
Rick Cerone: Ya. I'm sorry for calling you a retarded moolie asshole.
Oscar Gamble: Hey man....what's done is done. It's water under the bridge, smooth brother.
Rick Cerone: Osc, you've really taught me a lot 'bout hittin' n' losin' weight....I.....
Oscar Gamble: Hey man, we're teammates and dats what teammates do.
Rick Cerone: Life is tough sometimes, Osc.
Oscar Gamble: Hey, life is always tough. They don't think it be like it IS....but it DO!

Words of Wisdom

Filler Scene 3A:
To fill up some screen time there's a part where Cerone goes down to Mexico to play some Winter Ball after the '80 season and he befriends fellow Italian Don Demola who's re-conditioning his arm after surgery down there. They are battery partners when A HUGE BRAWL breaks out after Demola hits a batter with a pitch and Cerone picks up the batter and helicopter suplexes him.

This scene is based on the actual event stated in Tommy Lasorda's book where he claims in a winter ball game to have hit a batter....then the batter charged the mound....and then Lasorda CLAIMS to have picked him up, spun him around like a helicopter, and then suplexed him. Personally, I don't believe Tommy Lasorda did this but it is stated in his book that he did and this is the "actual event" that this scene is inspired/stolen from.

(Note: Don Demola is a pretty funny Italian guy with a good accent.....See this interview)

(Note II: The brackets mean they're thinking to themselfs.)

Rick Cerone: (He wants inside!? Fuck, he's gonna nail this asshole!)
Don DeMola: (I'm gonna whack dis asshole. Fuck this guy. I'm nailin' him)
Rick Cerone: (Oh shit....here we go again.) *WHACK*
Don DeMola: Here he comes! Aaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeiiiieeeeeeeee!
Rick Cerone: What the fuck! He's getting his ass kicked!
Don DeMola: Yo Rick! Come fuck this guy up! Give him the helicopta suplex technique!
Rick Cerone: You ready!? You ready for the Rick Cerone Helicopter Suplex Mark II !?
Don DeMola: HOLY SHIT! HE'S GOT 'IM IN DA HELICOPTA SUPLEX! HOLY SHIT!
Rick Cerone: GRRRRRRRRAAAAARGH! BLAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGH! YAAAAAAAA!
Don DeMola: Whoa! Rick....dat was cool!

(This scene is really cool.)


Conclusion

Alrighty, so I'm gonna pitch my script to all the big producers and shit. It'll get made, probably. Someone'll probably steal the idea but it'll get made eventually I bet.....maybe.

It's so good this movie, it doesn't have T-Rexes like my Manny Sanguillen non-existant mentally visualized film but it's still very very good.

Pat Cooper's great in it, and the guy who plays Don DeMola is a kid who's new but really good at acting. Oh and fuck, the chick who plays Olivia Newtons-John is soooooo sexy it's not even funny.

Everybody wants the next big-thing and I can honestly ensure you that back-up catcher bio-pics is the way to go. It's the new thing.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Water Numbers

Water water is everywhere so let's all have a.....oh wait a sec, it's as salty as sam, yo.

Everybody talkin' California drought left and right these days. William Shatner has a kickstarter going which aims to raise 30 billion (!!!) to build a water pipeline from Washington state to California state.

If it's at the point where people are willing to even think about investing that much money into solving the problem it would be good to understand the numbers involved with the situation before applying any sort of plan into action.

I don't pretend to be smart or anything, but, I do think having a basic understanding of the quantities and numbers involved in problematic situations does let people generate better opinions on the problem. In regards to energy for instance, I see every day people saying this or that will solve the energy problem and get us off fossil fuels....but when you do the math these solutions in some cases would only produce a fraction of what is needed to operate human earth in an advance technological state. I wrote on article on this blog called, "Rating the Energies, Yeah!" to just try and look at how much energy is needed to run human earth in that advanced state and what energy sources were best to do that.

(That energy article here): http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2014/05/ratin-energies-yeah.html

That article aimed to find how much power in terrawatt hours humans need to operate earth at this highly technically advanced state. Similarly to that article, it might help to find out how much water California presently uses, how much is used per industry, and how much water will be created by proposed solutions at the table.

Like the last article, I'm gonna put the same disclaimer up...because I'm not an expert. I'm not anything. The majority of hours of work in my life has been in the furniture upholstery, wood-working/finishing, and residential moving fields....not in science.


Warning

Look-it my fellow global g-units, I'm not a scientist or anything and the datum and opinions expressed in this blog article are my understandings of what seems to be the numbers on the scenario at hand, maybe all the things I read are false...who knows. I, of fairly sound mind at this moment, believe the statistics and opinions expressed in the following text are true...yet, who knows if they are wicked correct or not. I'm just a dude, man...just like you and me. If something written here is of interest to you then by all means conduct your own research and formulate your own opinions on the subject matter.


California Water Use

The United States Geological Survey presents these statistics for water usage in California, to keep the article uniform all quantities shall be expressed in Gallons:

Water use per Day: 38 billion gallons

Which Industries are Using it....

Agriculture/Irrigation: 64%
Electric Power Generation: 17%
Infasrtucture/Government Use/Domestic: 17% 
Industry/Mining: 2%

Okie-doke, so 38 billion gallons is quite a hefty load of drinkable water used per calendar day (24 hour time period). 

First off, I left "Domestic" use in the table for a valid reason. I didn't just lump it into Government use for the reason to show that domestic use of water is almost non-existent in terms of water usage. This is, of course, the millions of citizens drinking water, flushing toilets, washing cars, filling pools, etc....

Jerry's got it wrong.
So for all those "green" hippies who think they are saving the world by not flushing their toilets until they are overflowing ("if it's yellow let it mellow if it's brown flush it down"), or pretending that turning the faucet off while they brush their teeth is saving the world, or yelling at their neighbor because they see them washing dog poop off their walkway with a hose ("YOU CAN'T WASTE WATER, ARE YOU STUPID!?"). To all these people...you are not saving anything at all, when all domestic use by all citizens amounts to about 7% of water use...you are like a grain of sand in the desert...you are not eco-warriors who are saving the planet...you are simple jabronies...plain and simple. This is a systematic problem that HAS NOTHING to do with domestic water use so next time you see someone running a hose, or brushing their teeth, or flushing pee-pee down a toilet...you have no right to get angry at them with your pretentious eco-warrior voices...so just shut up. Governor Jerry Brown (who always smiles and never frowns) has imposed sanctions on domestic water use but that is not a problem solving measure it is simply a band-aid solution that makes it seem like the public is to blame for the state's water problems.

With that out of the way let's move into the other areas of water usage...

Electric Power Generation is the amount of water used in running power plants in the region. California is already getting its nuclear plants to use ocean water for cooling itself down and stopping them from melting down, therefore, nuclear plants despite using a lot of water are no longer (or will no longer in the future be) using drinkable water but rather salty water. If you are running a nuclear plant and have not switched to using salt water to cool the plant down....you are being very silly....there's no reason you can't use salt water for this procedure.

The out-dated coal is still used to power close to 20% of California, which is pretty fucking bad, and not only is coal the most polluting, difficult for workers to mine, and inefficient....but it also uses a fuck-ton of water. These plants, like nuclear, MUST switch to using salinated coastal ocean water for this process. There is no reason as to why these plants need fresh water from aquifers for their water usage needs. Same goes for natural gas and petroleum plants as well.

Infrastructure and government use regards all sorts of things from public owned establishments to public use. Fire hydrants, commercial businesses, public pools, and other public operated establishments. It amounts to about 10% of total usage.

Now that bad boy, agriculture and irrigation, accounts for about 2/3 of the state's water usage. Unlike power plants, switching to using salt water is not an option because you can't irrigate with salt water, you need fresh water to irrigate. This is indeed an actual problem and it actually needs to be addressed because you can't use 66% of the state's water to operate one sector of the economy.

Agri-Bizness

I referred to California's agriculture as a sector of the economy rather as a food source because that's exactly what it is. They're not planting like rice and stuff there...ok? They are planting what I'd call rich people crops. They plant plumbs, kiwies, almonds, grapes, walnuts, lemons, and weed.

You're not feeding the earth with these crops, these are known as "cash crops" plain and simple. They are called cash crops because people pay a lot of money for these products.

That's another thing that angers me about the "green" hippie community. They are all these vegans who won't eat meat n' potatoes....but will subside themselves on weird rich people nuts grown in California...and they'll be all like "if we all just stayed home and smoked weed all day the world would be a better place!"...well, not to burst your bubble but it takes a lot of fresh water to grow marijuana in case you didn't know.

It's weird because the Americans will go to war with Afganistan and burn all their opium farms because apparently "Drugs are bad m'kay"...but you'll never see the Americans drop napalm on California marijuana farms, will you? Kind of strange.

Even though science shows marijuana is not a dangerous drug and helps cancer patients get their appetite back during chemo...it is still a very addictive drug with millions of users in North America. California produces the most marijuana, way more than any state, almost more than all states combined. To operate these semi-legal farms takes VAST amounts of water. Not only water but the indoor growers use incredible amounts of energy to operate their quasi-legal facilities.

It burns me up because these weed hippies are the most fervent about saving the environment and are always angry at government. I bet they are the same people pissed at the public for brushing their teeth and flushing pee-pee without poo-poo down the terlet. Fuck them, fuck these fucking hippies. Marijuana is a cash crop sucking insane amounts of fresh water and energy out of California...and why?

....just so rich people can get high, that's why.

Same goes for almonds, walnuts, oranges, lemons, and other cash crops. Albeit these have nutritional value at least unlike weed which just gives the user a muscle relaxant agent. These, unlike weed, are legal and counted towards GDP and you'd expect that number to be high right? You'd expect the sector that uses 2/3 of the state's water to be a big huge percentage of the state's GDP right?

Wrong.

Agriculture in total amounts to...wait for it....

....TWO (2%) of California's total GDP! Whoooop-deeee-friggin'-dooooooooooo!

Solutions

First off, Jerry Brown's restrictions on domestic water use are ridiculous. To pretend a guy washing his clothes in San Diego, or a some kid making a jug of Kool-aid in San Franciso is the reason why you have a water crisis is down right ridiculous!
Get the Salt out.

The proposed solution of William Shatner of importing water from Washington state isn't a bad idea but 30 billion is quite a lot of funds...and Washington likes water too...maybe they want that fresh water.

If people are serious about this, the first thing you have to look at is de-salination which although had been around for almost a century is only really getting going lately.

The Middle East is the leader in these plants, out of necessity, because they want to operate large scale industries yet live in the gosh darned desert...so they have no choice but to get the salt out of ocean and sea water. 

California's in this situation as well and if it wants to operate its cash crop farms it needs these plants. The Carlsbad plant, when operational, estimates to produce 50 million gallons of fresh water per calendar day. There are 16 plants of this magnitude being planned in California at the moment.

16 x 50 million = 800 million gallons

Not bad, each plant has a price tag of 1 billion bucks. So...if you slap these all around the coast you can generate quite a bit of fresh water. If Shatner is raising 30 billion (he's not gonna get it by the way) he should be looking at building THIRTY de-salination plants along the Western United States coast line which output fresh water to the Californian region.

46 x 50 million =  2, 300, 000, 000

We know that California needs 38 billion gallons of fresh water per day to support its nuts, grapes, and weed habit. So, 2.3 billion would give them about 6% of the fresh water they need....which honestly doesn't cut it...AT ALL.

Is the answer to build a 30 billion dollar pipe-line and steal water from Washington state? No.

The only answer is to make laws that limit cash crop farming in the region. Sorry.

America'll go napalm all the rice fields in Vietnam just to fuck with them...or it'll go burn up all the cash crop opium fields in Afganistan to de-mafia the region...but you won't see it fucking with illegal cash crop farms in it's own backyard.

If they even limited cash crop farming in California the problem would be solved but they can't. Wasting water to produce 2% of the state's GDP is every citizens god given right! Vegans need their almonds for their diets! Weed addicts need their hit! It's their god given freedom to use this much water!

FIRE! FIRE!
Is it too drastic for Jerry Brown to ask the federal government to drop incendiary liquids on legal and non-legal cash crop farms and burn them sky high? Yes, yes it is. It's too drastic when they do it in other countries too. You can't just burn 'em up. So what do you do?

If pipelines, de-salination, and napalming aren't real answers, then what is? Maybe there's no answer...maybe California behind its alluring facade of Hollywood is actually a down-right mess of a region. 

Maybe the federal government should start similar economic sectors that are strong in California in other regions. Maybe a second or third silicon valley can spring up in other locations around the United States which lures people away from that region is a good idea. Maybe a second Hollywood can spring up in New York or Chicago or Boston or Texas (redneck Hollwood?) which lures people away from the over-saturated California region. Who knows.


Conclusion

The suggested solutions of Jerry Brown to blame the crisis on the domestic population is downright ludicrous.

Shatner's idea of importing water from Washington holds merit but good luck getting 30 billion, g. Good luck convincing the state of Washington to part with its fresh water too.

De-salination plants along the west coast can give them a few billion gallons of fresh water per day...but they use a fuck ton more than 2 billion a day.

Fire bombing all the almonds, walnuts, and marijuana cash crops is simply too drastic.

Who knows. It seems when you pull back the curtain of Hollywood bullshit...this region is simply a wasteful behemoth who runs off coal for power for their energy. It's possibly the most inefficent economy on earth.

The main point to bring up is not to blame regular folks washing their dishes for this mess, that's down right absurd.

Califoooooornia.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Let's Take a Short Break....Let's get 75% Pumped for the NHL Play Offs, Y'all.

I don't write much 'bout the good old fashioned game of Ice Hockey. But yo, I wrote back in 2012 that those high flyin' Montréal Canadiens were gonna win the cup this year.

Read that 2012 article here: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2012/02/open-letter-to-montreal-canadiens-fans.html

It's the article with the most reads ever on this dumb blog, I don't think it was that good, re-readin' it now I like the Guile joke, whoever made that gif is a funny person. I like the riot-domes joke....that's sorta funny.

Look, I take my prognostications pretty serious, so if they don't win the cup this year I'm gonna look like a darned fool is what I'm gonna look like.

I doubt any Canadiens read this blog but if they somehow find it on google or something....here's a small pump up for the whole team. I hope it gets them 75% pumped....exactly the right level of pumped. Not too hot, not too cold....just right like baby-bear porridge. If you are a Canadien then just scroll down to your name and hopefully the pump-up works for you. Your paragraph will be a short assessment of your play over the season, a report card, and a mini-pump.

Read this shit with this song on so it is more good to read!

Ooooh that song pretty good...


Defensemens

PK Subban

Subban? The man's a legend, he doesn't give a fuck. He'll beat you in a variety of ways...he'll beat you on D, he'll beat you on offense, he'll slap you in the mouth. Subban? He's a legend, man. He's crazy. He got 60 points this year and was plus 19! The guy's amazing....he's the greatest hockey man! He doesn't care! He plays like 30 minutes a game! He's a living legend! He's like a crazy man! He's a walking Norris Trophy is what this fucking guy is! He's a walking Norris Trophy! That's insane! He's the greatest! Holy crap! He's a LEGEND!

A+

Andrei Markov

This man!? He's the best! He's actually the greatest! He's the quiet leader of the whole entire fucking team, he doesn't give a fuck! He leads by example....he leads by ALL the EXAMPLES! Who him!? The guy's a maniac, he's crazy! He is like the smartest hockey player in the world! His Hockey IQ is like a billion million! That's a huge number! Holy shit, you guys! Markov? He's fucking amazing at hockey....oh my word! They should nickname him The General because that's what he is....he's a Hockey General leading by quiet leadership...and leadin' with examples! Many many many examples! Yeah. 

Он очень талантлив

A+

Jeff Petry

Who Petry? This guy? He's wild, he's crazy...he literally doesn't even give one fuck. Not even ONE! He never did and he never will. He's a wild and crazy dude! He is amazing at Ice Hockey....he's got long hair and wins games. Petry? He's a fucking wild case....he doesn't give a fucking shit about shit....he just wins at it and wins at it well. The guy knows what to do out there and doesn't fuck up...wow.

A+


Alexei Emelin

Oh my word....this man is nuts, he's a nut-ball, he's a damned crazy man. He's a wild horse on the fucking loose! Oh wow...this guy is fucking nuts! He even got into Milan Lucic's head! He's a feisty fucking guy is what he is! He'll fuck you up....he doesn't care. He'll punch you in your fucking face, he doesn't give a shit. He's a nutcase....he'll kick you right in the ass....DIRECTLY IN THE ASS! He'll even punch you in the fucking ass! He's NUTS! A FUCKING NUT BALL! He is from like the weird part of Russia where they plant potatoes and AK-47s in the ground and farm potatoes and machine guns like they're vegetables! Those guys who come from there!? They barely even give a fuck!

Он Сумасшедший !

A+

Tom Gilbert

This long haired untamed Wyld Stallyn!? He's a maniac on wheels! He's like Speed Racer or Racer X! He doesn't give a shit! He's a race car driver on wheels....on ice! He'll run ya right down! He don't play around! He'll body check ya fucking hard! He'll make ya think twice in your zone! He'll make ya think twice you PUNK ASS SON OF A BITCH! Ya better think twice before you try and mix it up with this long haired Wyld Stallyn! Oh Myyyyyy Goooooodness!

A+

Nathan Beaulieu

Nathan!? The guy is a YOUNG GUN....he's literally a GUN and is YOUNG. He's like 22 years old! That's nuts! He's like the youngest guy and he's like the craziest GUN! He can become a GUN just like Megatron can! He can become a fucking GUN and he's YOUNG! He's like Megatron if Megatron was a young man instead of a greasy fuckin' robot! Holy fucking shit!

A+


Mr. Sergei Gonchar

I used to trade for this man in EA SPORTS NHL 97! I USED TO GET HIM ON THE CANADIENS IN VIDEO GAMES BACK IN 1997! THAT'S HOW COOL HE IS....HE'S ON THE TEAM FOR REAL NOW AND THAT'S FUCKED UP! THE MAN IS AN ICON! HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK AT ALL. HE'S A WISE ELDER LIKE SPLINTER OFF OF NINJA TURTLES! NATHAN BEAULIEU ASKS HIM ALL THE QUESTIONS HE NEEDS ANSWERED! NATHAN IS LIKE "HEY MR SERGEI...HOW DO I BECOME WAY BETTER?" AND THEN GONCHAR IS LIKE "OKAY, I WILL TELL YOU." AND THEN ALL THE YOUNG GUNS BECOME EVEN BETTER! IT'S FUCKING CRAZY!!!! THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!!!

A+

Gregory Pateryn

Greg? This guy knows how to do it! He'll hit you and he'll fuck you up....he doesn't care....he barely cares all...in fact...he doesn't give a fuck at all...not even one. He's a friggin' maniac with a heart of gold! It's nuts! He's very very nuts!

A+

Mike Weaver

Weaver? What the fuck!? The guy has a degree in Web Design from an esteemed University! The guy is intelligent! He'll punch you in the throat! He'll invite you to dinner and then punch you in the balls! This guy? He'll design a website up your ASS! He's CRAAAAAZY! CRAZY AS FUCK! ABSOLUTELY CRAZY AS ALL FUCK!!

A+


The Fuckin' Forwards

 LISTEN UP TO THIS FUCKING SONG! WHY DON'T YOU!?

 
Tomas Plekanec

This one? Don't even me started on this one! He's the most under-rated human player in the whole damned NHL! He is a defensive forward who just happens to get 60 points! He's a two-way forward...he's a fucking two-way forward! He plays his heart out! He actually plays his whole heart out! That's crazy! To play your heart out? That's absolutely nuts! Wow!


On je skvělý !

A+

Maximum Max Patch oh RETTY

Oh this fucking guy right here!? Oh shit....this man'll score like 80 goals a year because he barely even gives two fucks about it! He's a sniper....he's a fuckin' sniper....holy moly! Oh man...I bought that MAX 67 fucking cheese burger they sellin' at MacDernDern's lately...that shit tasted so fucking gooood! It had these weird red sticks in it! They were like spicy red french fries or something! It tasted soooooo gooood....I STILL REMEMBER EATING THAT BURGER LIKE IT WAS YESTERADAAAAY! IT HAD A LOT A LOT OF MAYONAISSE, OH MY WORD! IT FUCKED ME UP! IT CHANGED MY LIIIIFE 4 EVER! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I LOVE HAAAAAMBURGERS!

A+

Brendan Gallagher

He's so young....he has his entire human life ahead of HIM. He's only 22 fuckin' years old this guy! That's as young as fuck! He charges the damned net all the time! He doesn't care AT ALL. They be slashing him and cross checking his ass....but they can't even get this fucking guy away from the GOALIE BECAUSE HE'S AN UNMOVABLE OBJECT! AN UNMOVABLE OBJECT! HE'S THE BEST! HOLY SHIT! HE REMINDS ME OF PAT VERBEEK! HE DOESN'T PLAY AS DIRTY THOUGH! HE'S AMAZING AT HOCKEY! HOLY FUCK! HE DOESN'T NEED TO GET PUMPED! HE'S ALREADY PUMPED....I can tell from his face.

A+

David Desharnais
 
Oh my gosh. This guy plays with all his heart! What he lacks in size he makes up in heart like that guy RUDY from that movie RUDY starring that dude RUDY! Rudy was being a punk but Charles "Rock" Dutton told him to shape up and then RUDY did! In real life....the Mayor told Desharnais to shape up...AND HE DID! NOW HE'S AMAZING! HE'S A SLICK PUCK HANDLER! HOLY FUCK! WHAT IN THE WOOOORLD!? HE'S LIKE GLEN METROPOLIT TIMES FIFTY!

A+

Alex Galchenyuk

This young man? OH WOW! HE'S A YOUNG GUN! He's gonna be a fucking total super star in the fucking league for like 20 years! HE'S GONNA MAKE LIKE A ZILLION DOLLARS! HE'S GONNA BE IN THE HALL OF FAME in 2045! THAT'S FUCKED UP! I PROBABLY WON'T EVEN BE ALIVE BY THE TIME HE MAKES THE HALL OF FAME. THAT'S MENTAL! HE'S GONNA SCORE MORE GOALS IN HIS LIFE THAN GRETZKY! HE'S ONE OF THE YOUNGEST GUNS.

A+

Jake De La Rose

This mother fucker is from FUCKING SWEDEN! THAT'S WHERE INGE HAMMARSTROM CAME FROM! Jake is 400 times more powerful than Inge Hammarstrom! If Inge was a STORM of fucking HAMMERS....as in....hammers raining down from the sky killing everything in its vicinity...then Jake is like a hurricane of POWER DRILLS RAINING DOWN ON THE FERTILE LANDS! DRILLING EVERYTHING! A TYPHOON OF FUCKING POWER DRILLS! ASSHOLE! FUCK!

A+

Lars Eller

Lars Eller!? I love this fucking guy! He's one of my favorite guys on the whole fucking team! He's a great great player...I REALLY LIKE WATCHING HIM PLAY...IT'S VERY ENTERTAINING! HE'S VERY VERY TALENTED! HE'S A DANE! HE'S A GOD DAMED GREAT DANE! HOLY SHIT! I HOPE HE WINS THE CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

A+

Brandon Prust

This man wears number 8! He looks like Cam Neely. He fucks all the mother fuckers up! He kicks people in the fucking ass! He kicks them in the ass HARD! When he kicks you in the fucking ass...you fucking feel it! You feel it....in your stupid ASS! YAAAAAAAAA! YAAAAAAA! He'll kick ya in the butt...he don't care! He's a mental case! WOW! From the coast to the coast...he's even more powerfuller than SPACE GHOST! HE'LL KICK ZORAK IN HIS ASS! HE WILL PUNCH LOKAR IN THE FACE!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


A+ 

Dale Weise

The guy looks like a seventies hockey man! Look at his hair! The guy looks like he's playing in the SEVENTIES! THAT'S FUCKED UP! HE'LL FUCK YOU UP! HE'LL SCORE A GOAL AND THEN PUNCH YOU IN THE FAAAAACE! WHAT DA FUCK! HOLY SHIT! THAT'S CRAAAAZY AS HELL! THAT'S SO CRAZY! Ooooh my wooooord!

A+

Torry Mitchell

OH MY LANTA! THIS GUY SCORED A GOAL IN GAME ONE! THAT'S FUCKING COOOOOL! HE MIGHT SCORE EVEN MORE! THAT'S AMAZING! HOLY GOD DAMNED SHIT YOU FUCKING GUYS! I HOPE HE GETS A STANLEY CUP!


A+

Diamond Devante Smith-Pelly

DSP? This guy is like 230 pounds of BEEF! THE DUDE'S A BEEF STEAK OF POWER! HE'S LIKE A RUNNING BACK ON SKATES! HE'S LIKE GOD DAMNED MARSHAWN LYNCH ON SKATES! HE'LL RUN YOU OVER LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN OF HUMAN JUSTICE! HE'S ABOUT TO GO INTO BEEEEEEAST MOOOOOOODE! BEAST MODE, OH SHIT! MOTHER FUCKING BEAST MODE! BEAST MODE, you sonna va BITCHES! OH Wow!

A+
 
P.A. Parenteau

This man!? OH SHIT! HE'LL SCORE ON YOU. He will score on you! Get ready asshole...cuz he's gonna score on you....right on your damned net. Get ready! Holy fuck he's gonna score on you...really hard. Oh shit....he's gonna shoot the puck right past you! What the fuck are you thinking? The dude's gonna shoot goals on you! YES! HE'S BEEN WATCHIN SLAPSHOT STARRING PAUL NEWMAN ALL WEEEEEK LONG! HE'S READY TO START SCORING FUCKING GOALS LIKE NED BRADEN and SHIT! YA!

Lui? P.A.? il va magané tous les gars! Estie! TABARNAK!


 Everyone's gonna get Maganed.....FUCK EM ALL!

A+

Brian Flynn


WHAT? The man's name, according to wikipedia, means scoring goals? Now just what the fuck is that shit!? HIS OWN NAME LITERALLY MEANS SCORING GOALS!? THAT's CRAZY! It's ironic because that's what the man does! He scores goals and shit! He got 3 points in game 1.....holy shit, everybody. Holy actual shit!

A+

Manny Malhotra

Him!? Are you crazy!? HE'S AMAZING! HE WINS ALL THE FACEOFFS ALL OF THE TIIIME! HE LOST HIS EYE AND THEN CAME BACK TO PLAY AGAIN! HE'S AMAAAAAZING! THAT'S CRAZY! HE'S LIKE A PIRATE! HE'LL PLUNDER YOU! HE'LL PLUNDER YOU AT HIGH SEAS! HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE CUZ HE'S THE GREATEST! HE WINS FACE OFFS! ARE YOU LISTENING!? THE GUY'S AMAZING! HE CAN WIN AT HOCKEY! HE'S A VETERAN WHO TEACHES WISDOM TO THE YOUNGER GUYS! YEEEEESSSSSSSSS! I SAW HIM A PEEL PUB ONCE EAT 18 PLATES OF RAVIOLI! THE GUY IS A BEAST! HE'S THE GREATEST GUY!

A+


Da Goalers

RIP KENNY JENSEN! 

That Carey Price! 

Carey Price!? He's the best! He's one of the greatest goalies of all time! I can't believe it! HE wins cups! He's good at it! WOW! He is quick like a fox! He's smart like a dolphin! He's unbreakable! Ya can't break his concentration! He's indomitable! Absolutely MENTALLY INDOMITABLE! HIS MENTAL FACULTIES ARE AN IMPREGNABLE PYRAMID OF DIVINE CONCENTRATION! IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE! This guy is in The Zone.

A+ 

Dustin Tokarski

That's a polish name! His grandpa probably fought in world war 2 for Poland and slapped that motherfucking bitch Hitler in his bitch-ass mouth! His grandad probably kicked Hitler in the fucking ass! THAT'S AMAZING! HE'S A HERO! HE'S A FUCKING HERO! YEAH! 

A+  

The Coaches

He's listening to da fucken song! What the fuck is wrong witchu !? Are you stupid?


Michel Therrien

This is the guy who knows all the tactics! He knows what line to put out against who! He's the best at it! He's so tactically sound it's unreal! He's like the Zhuge Liang (諸葛亮) of Ice Hockey. He has a powerful-ass mind! He knows about all the tricks and all the deceptions. He has his finger on the button! He knows what button to press! He's in control of these damned situations and shit! He's the man with the plan. He knows what to do and WHEN!

A+

Dan Lacroix

This mother fucker right here? Dan Lacroix? This maniac!? He got 466 penalty minutes with the Granby Bisons back in '87! THAT's FUCKED UP! THAT'S THOROUGHLY FUCKED UP! This guy probably killed a guy that year! He probably suplexed a dude! He probably ate a guy's heart! How the fuck do you get 466 mother fucking penalty minutes!? He's gonna punch the other assistant coach of the other team in the throat! HE'S A NUT CASE! WHAT THE FUCK!? 

A+

J.J. Daigneault

Jean Jacques "mother fucking" Daigneault? You never heard of this guy before? Are you on drugs? He won the cup in 1993! He held the cup over his fucking head! OH WOW! This guy can coach his ASS OFF! HE's NUTS!

A+


Clément Jodoin

He had 15 points for Concordia University back in nineteen seventy motherfuckin' three! WOW! The Big C will round house kick you in the face with a 180 degree power kick....AND BARELY EVEN GIVE A FUCK! THAT'S FUCKED UP! THAT TRULY IS! IT IS TRULY FUCKED UP IS WHAT THAT IS! HOLY SHIT!

A+
  


Conclusion

YEAH! JUMPIN' IN THE FRIGGIN' AIR! LOOK AT DIS SHIT!
Jeepers....I got pumped just writing that garbage. I take my prognostications seriously. My baseball ones especially but my hockey ones too. I did say they'd win the cup this year back in 2012....so it's coming time where I'm either gonna look super savvy or like a total bozo. I hope this mini-pump will turn the tides of the human future. If even one guy found this on google by googling his name...then I hope it gets said human pumped....but not too pumped...only the perfect 75% pumped...because the refs are calling all kinds of shit now and if you're too pumped you might get suspended or some shit....so 75% is a good pumped to be right now.

In all seriousness, if they do win the trophy this year....please don't riot up the place. It's kind of embarrassing when you fanatics set the shit on fire and shit. I agree it looks cool....but in the end it really isn't. It makes us look like bad and everything with all the rioting and this and that.  


Whoever made this GIF knows what they were DOING!


I made dis one...it's awezome.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Oh Gosh, I really like those Redneck Monkey Movies.....

Geoffrey Lewis (Left): RIP
One of the stars of those old seventies redneck monkey movies died the other day, Mr. Geoffrey Lewis, and that really got me thinking about those old redneck monkey movies again. I'm Talkin' 'bout Any Which Way but Loose and Any Which Way you Can.

It was these movies 'bout two guys, some chicks, and a monkey who run a foul with a nazi biker gang and the cops...so....Clint Eastwood kicks the shit out of all the nazis and the cops.

I saw these movies when I was really young too. A lot of the American stations that I got as a kid (TBS, WGN, SBK) used to take turns showing redneck movies. Whenever I used to come home from school as like a 12 year old kid...the TV would darned sure have some sort of silly redneck movie on.

Redneck movies involved a lot of drinking, fighting, bottle throwing, truck driving, country music, and a touch of romance. An example of a more modern redneck movie would be like Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze where like Swayze has to drink and fight and bang chicks...but the seventies redneck movies were even more better than Roadhouse.

The pace-setter for seventies redneck movies were the Burt Reynolds ones where he has to drive a truck full of goods somewhere (or ride along side in a trans-am keeping the cops away from the truck is more accurate). This one was ALWAYS on after school when I was a kid and I must have seen it numerous numerous times. Looking back now, Smokey and the Bandit, didn't make any sense. Like, Reynolds is a "smuggler" yet he's smuggling BEER over state lines. As a kid I thought this was soooo bad ass but beer is not illegal in any state. What was so bad ass about "smuggling" cases of two-fours over state lines? Nothing. Anyone can deliver beer....it's not illegal at all. There really was no reason for Officer Jackie Gleason to have given Burt Reynolds and good ol' Cletus a hard time for 2 hours due to them having a truck full of beer.

A year after Smokey and the Bandit came out...someone had a great idea. They took the redneck genre of film (drinkin', truck drivin', n' fightin') and threw a monkey in the mix....not just any monkey, but an Indonesian Orangutan into the mix. Now, if you're not familiar with Any but Way which Can you're probably thinking that putting a Sumatran ape into a redneck movie is just a stupid idea....but you're wrong....it's not a stupid idea. It's a brilliant idea is what it is.

There's no real set-up either as to why Clint Eastwood and Geoffrey Lewis are hanging out with an Orangutan. Clint just goes into some shed near his house and fools around in the dark for a bit, and then the lights come on and it's an orangutan....and then they high five and start chugging beer. That's it. There's no scene about him meeting the ape and there really doesn't need to be. Clint Eastwood is a bare-knuckle boxer who has a monkey...get used to it.

The President of the United States
Look, putting a primate into your films just makes them better, it just does. It's like adding salt to french fries, or bacon on pizza...getting a monkey into your movie just automatically makes it better. It has to be a REAL monkey though...not an animatronic one like in that Korean gorilla baseball movie, and it can't be a midget in a monkey suit like in that Matt LeBlanc baseball movie...IT MUST BE a LIVE n' REAL MONKEY....like in Bedtime for Bonzo starring Ronald Reagan (I've never actually seen Bedtime for Bonzo but from the title I assume it's about the president of the United States helping a monkey fall asleep). It's gotta be a for-real ape...a computer generated monkey or a midget in a suit cannot replicate the effect, it just can't.

It always works, always. Like, Grandma's Boy was a great movie and then they made it even better by whippin' a monkey in it. It can't fail, it's a fool proof strategy.

If you don't like monkeys....there's something veritably wrong with you.


RIP Geoffrey Lewis

What a great actor, he's probably like the first guy ever to wear a baseball cap backwards and that became really cool to do for a while. The last time I saw this guy in a movie, I was actually quite disappointed in what I witnessed though.

The last movie I saw him in was Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects about ten years ago. It's a movie about this circus clown and his family of juggaloes, or whatever the fuck they are, who go around murdering folks. Geoffrey Lewis shows up in this film and takes on the juggaloes.....and loses. What the fuck?

Am I to believe that...a bunch of juggaloes can defeat Clint Eastwood's sidekick? That a bunch of retarded circus clowns can best Geoffrey Lewis in arm-to-arm combat? I don't think there's any situation that could play out in reality where that scenario is even remotely believable!

Lewis fucking hung out with Clint Eastwood, he banged that chick who shows her tits in Hair (the chick that goes on all those National Lampoon Vacations), he's dealt with nazis n' cops n' the mafia, WHILE HANGING AROUND WITH A SUMATRAN ORANGUTAN....and I'm just supposed to suspend belief and accept that this man can be defeated and killed by a bunch of fucking juggaloes? No way, Jose.

It's cool Rob Zombie casted this old screen icon for his juggalo movie...but I feel the direction he took the film was quite effronterous in nature....the film, all in all, was unrealistic and the movie suffered for it. Lewis should have kicked the juggaloes asses, dumped their vehicles into a dump truck and high fived his ape...like what would have happened if this movie took place in real life.

Either way, RIP dude, you were a cool guy.


What's Up with Clint, though?

What's Clint doing with his life these days? How come the seventies Clint was bare knuckle boxing in scrap yards, drinkin' with monkeys, kicking the crap out of nazis and cops, carrying around a 44 magnum, chillin' with Eli Wallach, and bein' good/bad/ugly......while the now-a-times Clint is like worrying about his mom's bridges over counties and hanging out with Meryl Streep? Seems like a weird direction to take his on-screen persona if you ask me.

With the death of Geoffrey Lewis, I think Clint should complete the Whether but Loose which Can trilogy and reprise his role of the Philo Beddoe character one last time. I know he's too old to flip out and shit but he can still be like a wise foul-mouthed granpa who drinks with monkeys and drives the story for the new-era bad-ass lead character.


Conclusion

You can't insert monkeys in every movie or it'll ruin the gimmick....but I would say every 1/14 films could have monkeys inserted into them without losing the monkey magic. So, if you're in the hollywood scene and you're a big-shot you should try to work a monkey into at least one in fourteen of your films, I'd say.

I don't think the Presidential monkey movies work though. I don't think Presidents should be making monkey movies...it's just stupid. Reagan's monkey movie just seems odd.


Thursday, April 2, 2015

With the Dawning of the Digital Age....Is there a Future for Apostrophes, Accents, Cedillas, and Umlauts?

.....or is there NO FUTURE for apostrophes, accents, cedillas, and umlauts in this digital human age?

In this article we will wonder aloud whether these punctuation variables, or as many refer to them "accidents of history," have any place in the current digitized writing climate. We're gonna look at what the heck they are, then we're gonna look at where they probably came from, and then conclude on whether or not these letter variations have a future or not.


What are these Things, anyways?

' = Apostrophe
é, ê, è = Accents
ç = Cedilla
ū = Umlaut


They are cute little punctuation marks that appear in sentences or on top of vowels or under the letter C from time to time in Euro-disseminated languages. English people know about the apostrophe more than any of the others...the others appear in the latin-based romance languages more often (Spanish, French, Portuguese, Italian, Romanian, etc.).

They are for pronunciation and have no value to reading and writing. Speech and reading/writing are two separate mental faculties that surprisingly have little in common with each other. Reading/Writing is very technical and code-based while speech is more wave-modulated audio bits which are learned from listening and repetition.

You can be 100% illiterate and still be a great speaker or singer....speech is not related very much at all with reading/writing. Readin' and writin' is a code that is deciphered with the eyes to the brain whilst speaking/listening is a code deciphered with the ears to the brain.

For that reason, are pronunciation-related variables necessary in eye-related deciphering? Not really, no.

The digital age has seen the rise of Google Translate, which has spidered almost all written linguistic codes and matched them with definitions in order to act as a universal translator. It isn't perfect but it's pretty freaking good to be honest. I can send a Chinese article through it and read it in English and get a pretty good jist/idea of what was stated in the Chinese coded article.

Languages have been broken down, bit by bit, and all definitions/idioms/concepts that these variables represent have been massed together in one database which can churn out any langauge codification into the language you are able to read with your brain. It's pretty amazing, really.

That's the state of affairs in the present (2015), but before we conclude on the question if these linguistic punctuation variables have a place in the human future...let's first look at where I think they originated from.


The Possible History of the Weird Lines n' Slashes on our Dumb Words

Note: This is a theory and I have no way to really prove it so it's just food for thought, really.

I honestly believe that apostrophes, accents, cedillas, and umlauts are accidents of history which were born unto writing by errors in the early printing press era (16th to 18th century).

A written language is only a written language if many many people accept that the definitions of the character-variable sets are what they are. If a few thousand people accept and use the term "Shoe" to refer to the things you put on your feet to help you walk then that character variable set of "Shoe" is thusly an accepted term, part of the lexicon, and part of written language.

Prior to the early printing press era, do you know how many people on earth were literate? Do you know how many people could read linguistic codes and understand them? Less than 1% of people could. The invention of the printing press (which first appeared in China prior to the 14th century) is what made written language codes accepted languages. The automatisation process of the printing press disseminated the written codes to a wide audience who in turn learned the codes in order to read the books and flyers coming off the press line.

Old school printer.
In the early printing press era in Europe, these machines were not exactly the most efficient and error-free devices to say the least. The first problem was the people who worked the printing press machines were illiterate people (paid in pennies) who matched up the symbols they were given to the press plate to print a page....and being illiterate it was common that dozens of small errors were made in every single page that was printed in any given book.

The other big problem was any small damage to the machine plates would get soaked with ink and a page might be printed with dashes, slashes, dots, and other dumb shit all around the page....and since it is a plate and uniform...the dots and slashes APPEARED IN EVERY SINGLE BOOK THAT WAS PRINTED ON THAT MACHINE.

These problems in the early printing press era may even be a large factor as to why European dialects shifted and mutated the way they did. Spanish, French and Italian were once THE SAME LANGUAGE at one point. We must also factor in small deviations of style created by poets and other writers which disseminated texts to their region which altered the written codes in their areas (copy cats wanted to write like the popular poets of their region) yet printing press errors may be a stronger factor as to why dialects variated the way the did.

Imagine the time and place in the 17th century, hundreds of thousands of people learning the new hip thing called reading in their spare time and hundreds of interesting books being printed to be read by these hundreds of thousands of people. The printing presses in all the major metropolis cores (London, Paris, Seville, Lisbon, Venice, Hamburg, etc) are all running off these printing presses like crazy and people in all these core-cities are reading these texts...

Let's say the printing press in Seville made an error on the plate, the worker matched the symbol to his blue print wrong, then hundreds of thousands of people in Seville would read the book with the spelling mistake. Hundreds of thousands of people, who are learning to read for the first time in great masses in human history, all getting a book with a minor alteration in the language system. Next thing you know, all Spanish people are writing "Jajajajajajaja" instead of "Hahahahahaha" to represent laughter because that's how language in written code was presented to them.

Or let's say Lisbon's printing press factory sent out a popular book with a weird line over a vowel. Let's say a scratch in the plate put a small diagonal line over an "e" on EVERY SINGLE BOOK that was printed and acquired by hundreds of thousands of people in Lisbon. All of a sudden people are asking their friends and elders..."Hey, what is this line over the e?" and all it took was one bozo to make up something to pretend he's smart and say..."oh that? Well it means it's an e that's pronounced more high pitched " and next thing you know that scratch on the printing plate has now become a damned RULE of ORTHOGRAPHY and bozo-face gets appointed head of the Portuguese academy of writing rules because everyone thinks he's so fucking smart. Whooop-de-dooooo.

Oh, go take a walk, blue pen bozo.
Or let's say, (just one more, sorry), that London's printing press puts some dumb scratch between some dumb word and people look at it and go "what's that line between my word, guvnah?" and then some fantastic fop pipes up "Well, that's an apostrophe, it is! How could you not know that you simpleton!?" and then that printing plate scratch gets a name and everyone is throwing these new-fangled high falutin' apostrophes in all their dumb books and acting all smart. Fast forward a few hundred years and english teachers ALL OVER THE PLACE are taking out red pens and anxiously scanning their student's papers for the word "your" to see if they put the apostrophe in it if they wanted to denote "you are" and if it's not there....they load up that red pen like it's some sort of scepter of divine truth that shoots lightning at orthographic mistakes and they draw the biggest and meanest circle around your "your" and write over it in HUGE red ink "you're" to let you know how stupid you are! Oh, take a long walk you english teachers, take a nice long walk and really think to yourself how petty you are. You're job is to circle words that have missing apostrophes! You're duty on earth is to circle printing press plate scratches from the 17th century and make your students feel stupid. Take a long introspective walk, you english teachers, you.

Jabroni....thy name is apostrophe.


Does the Digital Human Future have a Place for These Printing Press Mutants of Yester Year?

Look, for style purposes I think everyone should write how they feel is fun for them to write. Me? I like to use punctuation when I write. I use commas and especially ellipses (the three+ dots). I use ellipses because I actually think what I'm gonna write next when I put that break in. I'll be writing these silly blogs.......and then I'll like stop and breathe and think for a second.....and then finish whatever dumb thing I was writin' 'bout.

The other main mutation factor in written langauge codes that I mentioned above is poets and writers who have unique and interesting styles do 100% change the vernacular and lexicon of a region/world. People don't just start writing from scratch otta nowhere...they synthesize and copy other writers who's stuff they've read. So if you like apostrophes or cedillas or umlauts then go for it and use 'em. If that's your style, then yo.

....but....

Don't go overboard with silly writing rules. Like, if you're getting mad over You/You're ....honestly ....you should chill out. If I write this,

"Your taking this reading/writing shit too serious. Maybe you should chill out and go walk you're dog or something..."
In all seriousness, is there a person out there, who can read english, who's so stupid that they couldn't understand what was being stated in that sentence? If you couldn't understand that statement above because a printing press error from the 17th century was omitted from one word then, sorry to rude, but maybe you are very very stupid. Maybe you can't read.

If you did understand that statement but were angered and enraged by it...well....maybe you're a bad person or something. If you love your dumb apostrophe so much maybe you should marry it.