Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Another Heino-rific Update!

The stats are down. I love stats, I gotta get the views back up....I don't even make money or anything from this dumb blog but I love numbers and I love stats.

This blog's views by country basically breakdown into this order:

1. USA
2. France
3. Germany
4. China
5. Canada
6. Russia
7. UK
8. India


So I gotta give 'em what they want. Those countries are the countries that tend to peruse my blog at times.

I write a lot of of baseball articles which probably explains why the Americans are number one in hits on this blog.

France? I have absolutely no idea why so many people in France read these articles. I don't know which articles interest them but something in this blog does, it seems. Maybe one day this month I'll write some nice french poems for France.

After I did a Chinese movie review I gotta lot hits from China...so I gave them what they wanted and did some more Chinese movie reviews by reviewing the heck out of all those Chinese Gamblin' Movies.

Germany? They like the Heino ones. I Haven't wrote anything about Heino in a long time...so let's reach out to Germany and do another hard-hittin' Heino article.

If you wanna read this blog's previous Hard Hittin' Heino articles please see:

1. The Secret of Re-Invention (as Exampled by Heino) (Oct/2011)
2. Is Heino's Final Form Finally Upon Us? (Jan/2013)

To sum up those two articles, we looked at Heino's ability to Heino-Volve at will and shift himself within the music paradigm and the second article chronicled what is likely to be Heino's final Heino-Volution...his transmogrification into Metal-Heino.

No, Metal-Heino isn't like a Mecha-Godzilla sorta robot version of Heino...the "Metal" in Metal-Heino refers to the musical genre...."Heavy Metal."


Why do I even Know about Heino?  

Before we get started, I bet a lot of Germans are wondering why I even know about Heino let alone why I write strange essays about him.

Heino became well know in North America for two reasons.

First, Late Show talk show host David Letterman mentioned Heino on a minimum of two separate occasions in the early nineties. The first time holding up a Liebe Mutter CD (one of the oddest looking records covers ever), and the second time showing a clip of Heino's great music...as seen here:


The other party who introduced Heino to North American audiences was one of my favoritist bands ever, The Hanson Brothers, who back in 1996 released their smash-hit single "You Can't Hide the Heino" on their smash-hit record "Sudden Death" (the single was previously only released as a Europe-only promotional tune).

Hansons live in Berlin (Heino's Heimatland)

The confirmed story as to how this song came about is believed to be that Hanson's guitarist Tommy Hollistion was in a bar in Germany after a performance....and being a known-fan of awful music...had purchased many a Heino record prior to entering the establishment. The bar in question was quite a swanky place and he felt ashamed that he had so many Heino records on his person that he attempted the best he could to hide them (under his shirt, etc.) yet the records were simply too big to conceal. It proved to be a difficult endeavor to conceal Heino records to avoid embarrassment yet in the end the truth of the matter was...the simple inarguable ubiquitous truth that..."You Can't Hide the Heino."

Alright, so that's why I know about Heino...due to Dave Letterman and the Hanson Brothers.

Heino-Volution Complete

As most people know, Heino's current form is that of Metal-Heino, which is surprisingly a monstrous hit over in Germany.

The initial larva stage of Heino's Heavy Metal transformation was met with skepticism to put it lightly...and with good reason. Heino is a very odd fellow in more ways than one and I don't think anyone thought he would try and conquer the Metal scene at the tender age of 75. When he released his first cover album of harder songs he was met with terrible criticism by many of the bands he covered.

In the second of my Heino articles, I pondered why Die Toten Hosen hated Heino so much, and I came to the conclusion that they did so to form an offensive to keep Heino away from the hardcore scene...for they knew they could not compete with his record sales. I feel this is the same reason many bands covered by Heino on his hardcore CD had such vicious criticisms of him...they feared the chameleon of music known as the Heino was now officially entering the hardcore genre.

Heino never had a number 1 hit on the German charts, ever, yet at the age of 75...Heino's hardcore CD hit number 1 on the German charts and proceeded to go platinum. Yeah, his record sales blew everyone else out of the water the second he stepped into the hardcore scene. Wow.

What about all those haters who hated on him...where was the hate when his record sales blew them out of the water? Nowhere, he shut the haters up. The metal scene figured that if they can't beat Heino...then join him. Need proof? Look who took the stage at Germany's biggest Metal Festival last year...

 Heino.

It appears the larva stage of his Heino-Volution has completed and the time has come for Heino's Final Form to reach 100% of its true Music Power Level. Behold Heino's new promo photo...

Holy shit....he looks cool.
It only took him 75 years, but Heino finally looks pretty cool. He looks like Vigo the god damned Carpathian over here! What the fuck!?

Ok, Heino's not satisfied with just out-selling the other metal acts in Germany...he actually wants to become the King of Metal. He looks fucking bad ass, man.

According to a recent press release, Heino has a new Metal album coming out in December called "Black Enzian" which is supposedly way hardcorer than his last album. If this photo is any indication of how hardcore this fucking album is gonna be...then yo...this album is gonna be crazy.


Why Has Heino So Easily Conquered the Metal Scene?

How could a 75 year old man with chronic exophthalmos just walk into the metal scene and totally conquer it in less than a year? Maybe because metal kind of sucks these days.

I think it was Jello Biafra who said, "Metal has done what no gym teacher could ever accomplish...to get everyone to dress exactly the same." It's true too, metal is very uniform...the whole scene is very cookie-cutter. They all try to look the same, act the same, dance the same, and make the same song over and over and over and over. I personally cannot tell the difference between one metal band of this era to the next...I really can't...it's too cookie cutter, man.

It wouldn't hurt to fuse some other style with metal to try and get something new. I've seen rap/metal and other fusions but everyone expected that. I want real original shit...like real weird ass fusions.

Heino's not the first person to try and take his personal style and fuse it with Metal...here are some other less famous instances.

1. Pat Boone



In 1997 Pat Boone put this garbage out. Oh boy. This album sucks ass.  Boone just takes the lyrics of harder songs and sings them in his style. It sucks balls...it really does. Don't buy this or even listen to it.


2. Richard Cheese


This album, like Boone's, isn't really a fusion. The only thing taken from the hardcore songs are the lyrics and none of the musical components are used in the fusion. Cheese is better than Boone though...some of his numbers are pretty catchy.


3. Anton Maiden

Okay, here we go, now this is what I'm talkin' 'bout. Anton Maiden took Iron Maiden songs...converted them to 8-bit MIDI files, took out the lyrics, and put his more better lyrics over them.

Website with mp3s: http://antonmaiden.altervista.org/

I like this, I find him very original. Very unique fellow. In fact over the years when I have had the urge to listen to Iron Maiden songs...I often find myself loading up the Anton Maiden versions of them...almost as if I enjoy them more than the actual Iron Maiden versions. It's odd.

Like many Internet Celebrities of the late nineties...Anton had his share of suicide rumors. Most internet celebs did, I guess it's because it's so easy to make a suicide rumor and people seem to believe more readily that an Internet Celeb would be prone to suicide.

For example, there were countless suicide rumors about that guy who sang Aicha back in the day...but it turns out that Gellieman is not only alive and well but was not even Eastern European to fucking begin with (evidence).

There were countless rumors that Mikey, the kid who made a site to find his "future girlfriend" had done himself in. Again, all those suicide rumors were untrue...in fact Mikey is not only alive and well but is a now looking for his "future boyfriend."

With Anton though, it was a different story. When the suicide rumors started flying...unfortunately they were 100% true. Riddled with drug addiction Anton killed himself in 2003. That news floored me when it was confirmed back then...everyone loved Anton...it really seriously floored me when I read he killed himself. You were the best Anton.

Anton's unique take on Iron Maiden songs is in essence what the metal scene needs...originality!


It's Heino's Time to Shine

Metal World...take note, there's a new act on the scene...he's 75 years old and he aspires to be the King of Metal.

Hey, who says you can't teach an old dog some new tricks? That cliche has been torn to shreds by Heino in the last year.

I have a feeling his next album is gonna actually be fucking cool as fuck.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Sweeping Retraction

I gotta make a glaring retraction from a previous article. Hey, I'm the not dumbest guy but I'm also certainly not the most smartest guy either. It seems that many a time I write dumb shit that is blatantly incorrect...but, instead of editing the article that was written a long time ago I just sort of update my opinions via retractment articles. Why? Because it's more fun.

I did a retraction once for a neuroscience one where my conclusion was way of base, I had to do it for my lengthy dissertation on Ernest P. Worrell in which the conclusion I made approached the asinine....and now I will do a retraction of statements in regards to this recent piece:


Article in Question: This Week in Satire


For that article, in the style of Mel Allen's "This Week in Baseball" I wrote reviews of recent satire pieces that society had produced over that particular week. I said some nice things and I also talked some mad mad shit at people. The following parties were mentioned:

Nice Things Said About: South Park

Mad Shit Said At: John Oliver, Jamie Oliver, and Cookie Monster

The nice things said about the Park are to be unaffected by this retraction. South Park rules, and everyone knows that.

The mad shit stated about two-thirds (2/3) of the parties in question of which mad shit was said undoubtedly need said mad shit to be amended if not totally stricken from the record.

The parties who will have mad shit which was spoken about them amended and/or retracted are one Cookie Monster and one John Oliver.

Before we continue we must first explain why talkin' mad shit is so serious, and we must also do a quick disambiguation before the article gets under way.


The Talkin' of Mad Shit

This is Raviolies
The talking of mad shit at someone is serious. You shouldn't do it unless there really exists no other option. It is very disrespectful and quite mean.

Think of the concept of "Reputation" as a clean white t-shirt. Everyone on earth is wearing this symbolic clean white t-shirt and it represents their reputation as humans. A person who's t-shirt is no longer clean has a bad reputation. So, in this figurative example...all the little petty crimes and annoying things you do manifest themselves as stains on this t-shirt. These t-shirt stains also appear as others talk shit about you.

In the case of talking mad shit at someone...it is the equivalent of taking a full plate of raviolies and whipping them at that person's white t shirt. Oh shit.

It's serious business to whip raviolies at someone's white T-shirt...and that's why talking mad shit at people is not something to do just out of the blue and for no reason. If it is the case that someone talked mad shit about someone yet they were wrong...then that person should retract all and every statement of mad shit.

Yo.


Quick Disambiguation

I re-read that This Week in Satire one, and it doesn't really flow good. I'm talkin' 'bout John Oliver in one paragraph and then Jamie Oliver in the next, and then back to John Oliver. Those two names are quite similar and I didn't even put up photos of either party...it just seems poorly structured and confusing on my part.

To disambiguate the two parties here are each side-by-side in a photograph:


They are similarly named and from the same country...they both have their own hands...but they come from different moms.


Cookie Monster

C.M. was not the main subject of the article in question, yet I was talkin' some mad smack about him as a short aside. I had read an article recently saying that Cookie doesn't even eat cookies anymore and that he eats only vegetables, and fruits, and nuts, and some berries, and this, and that. After reading that, I felt myself losing respect for Cookie Monster. I was thinking maybe he got like a vegetarian girlfriend and because of her he was eating some bull crap diet to make her happy or something like that. I've seen too many bruthas over the years start eating some bull crap diet because of their dumb girlfriends and I just naturally thought this is what happened to Cookie Monster due to my personal biases.

I was wrong.

Turns out, Cookie Monster has been talking about vegetables and shit since NINETEEN EIGHTY SEVEN (1987). I remember this song too, so it's weird that I forgot that Cookie does indeed eat other stuff at times...


Cookie was even eatin' this stuff in the eighties. I totally forgot about that. I thought he really got like this retarded girlfriend that nagged him into being a vegan or something. I really thought he sold out. But, it seems like Cookie was always down with healthy foods (even cream of wheat, word up) therefore the shit I was talking about this man was not warranted.

I'm sorry Cookie, you're the best.

I love you Cookie Monster.


John Oliver

I was heaping a whole helpin' of raviolies all over John Oliver's shirt the other week. Holy shit, I ran out of raviolies and starting whippin' whole doses of spaghetti sauce all over his damned shirt. Oh, man.

I was all keened over some statements he was making about sugar...and I like sugar...so I was all in a tizzy, I really was. I truly was. I was really in a tizzy over that sugar nonsense.

However, I recently watched two videos of John Oliver collaborating with my boy Cookie Monster,





Boy is my face red. Here I am talking shit about John Oliver and I didn't even know he's down with my boy Cookie. Sorry homie. I didn't know you were chill with the Cookie Monster.

Respect via proxy is an important facet in social behavior. John is down with Cookie...and I'm down with Cookie Monster (in fact when I was a little baby I used to sleep with a plush version of his likeness)...meaning both of us share the trait of being down with Cookie Monster. Due to this downness with Cookie Monster and due to the laws of Respect Via Proxy...I must then, of course, be down with John Oliver.

I don't always know who in hollywood hangs out with who. I simply did not know that John Oliver and Cookie Mosters were homies. I honestly didn't know that and I shouldn't have talked so much shit about John Oliver in retrospect. Anyone who hangs with C.M. has to be an okay guy.


Jamie Oliver

This retraction DOES NOT apply to Jamie Oliver, all negative statements therein made about Jamie Oliver still stand. In fact I would like to apply more negative statements to Jamie Oliver while we're on the topic. I would like to apply four entirely new negative statements to Jamie Oliver.

1. Jamie Oliver is dumb
2. Jamie Oliver is really stupid
3. Jamie Oliver smells and I hate him
4. Jamie Oliver....you are the worst guy, like ever

It was recommended in the End Notes that Jamie Oliver be "Suplexed in Modulo 12" which is not a term used often and I wish to elaborate. Basically, suplexes in various modulations are just how many suplexes occur in a successive pattern, for example the following is Suplexes in Modulo 3:

Suplex in Modulo 3

I was recommending that someone, similar to Chavo Guerrero, suplex Jamie Oliver 12 times successively. I will not retract that statement, because it's the truest thing anyone's ever said.


Conclusion

I love you, Cookie Monster.

(but not more than Ernie and Grover, though)

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Coffee Efficiency Reports are In

This article is about Coffee
You drink coffee everyday? Ya, me too. I drink coffee like an animal. Some days, like the weekends, where I don't even have to go to work or anywheres in particulars...I still drink coffee like crazy, get all nuts, and then I just get out all the excess buzz by like punching and kicking the air around me for 4 straight hours.

If you're a coffee enthusiast like me, you'll be happy to know that I sent out a wicked cool robot/car that gathered information on methods of efficiently drinking coffee for cheap and my robot is back with its datum and has auto-generated its tab-delimited reports on the matter.

So without further human ado, here are this years (2014) coffee drinkers efficiency reports that everyone has been waiting for.


Pre-Amble

We shall be comparing how much the variety of ways costs to get pumped in the morning by drinking coffee.

Raw motherfuckahs who drink a lot of coffee want to know how much this shit costs them per annum. We shall be lookin' into brewing it at home with a standard coffee maker, brewing it at home with a weird ammunition loading machine like a "Keurig" or a "Tassimio" or a "Marimo." Finally, we shall look into buying your coffee from a place that sells pre-made coffee.

Obviously prices differ from region to region in North America but this will give you a general idea. To try and keep it a bit uniform I am going to take the prices currently listed on Wal-Mart's website because they have these wal-marts everywhere.


Coffee Efficiency Report

1. Brewin' the shit yo self:
(talkin' 'bout regular ass hoi polloi coffee like Maxwell's House, not like snob people coffee)

Initial investment: around $20 bux
Cost for munitions: about like $9 bux for almost 1000 grams of canned coffee.

So for an initial investment of 20 bux you can make your own shit at home in about a minute. You need about 10 grams of coffee to bang up a cup...so for each 9 buck case of ammo you buy for your coffee making device you can make about 100 cups of coffee.

If you divide 9 bux by 100 you're looking at like 9 fucking cents per cup of coffee.

1 cup of coffee = 9 cents

2. Brewin' yourself with one of those fancy-pantsin' high fallutin' "Keurig" devices:

Initial investment: around $70 bux
Cost for munitions: about like $20 bux for a "24 pack."

(note: it's hard to get a price for these "k-cup" packs...it really ranges on the type and the retailer.)


So you drop a minimum of 70 bucks to join the Keurig family, and then you gotta drop 20 bux to load up on your munitions to brew which provides 24 cups of coffee each time (you can get bigger packs, like a 48-pack which costs double that of a 24 pack). Is it just me or does this shit sound like a ponzi scheme of some manner? People buy these for their friends and family as gifts and in turn the next person falls into this expense trap of like 20 bucks for 24 coffees. The people who hook their friends don't even get any money out of it so it's even dumber than a ponzi scheme.

So, 20 / 24 = 0.83. It is about 83 cents a cup with these highfalutin bozo machines. About 9x more per-cup than a regulation machine.

1 cup of coffee = 83 cents

3. Buyin' it at fast food places
(I know there's a lot of differentiation in price between Dunkin's and MacDickweed's and Starfucks, and I know some of these highfalutin art-school-kid places charge an arm and a dong for a cup of the brown stuff...so I'm just gonna go with Dunkin's going price listed on their site to make matters easier)

Initial investment: 0 bux
Cost for munitions: $1.49 for a "small" cup of coffee

That's like the cheapest coffee you can buy from a retail coffee issuer. I mean, I've been to art-school-kid cafes where like they want quadruple or even quintuple the price for one cup of stupid coffee. Either way my secret spy robot/car that scoured the countryside to obtain this data chose Dunkin prices so that's what this article will go with.

1 cup of coffee = 1.49 per cup.


Analysis over Annum

If y'all motherfuckers drink on average 2 cups of coffee per day (I know most of you, like me, drink more but my robot/car made the reports with 2 as the based god number)....

2 x 365 (days in North American calender) =  730 cupz

Regulation Coffee Maker: 0.09 x 730 =  $65.70
Keurig Coffee Maker: 0.83 x 730 = $605.90
Fast Food Accruement: 1.49 x 730 =  $1,087.70

Dudes, chicks, (or trannies) who make their own shit spend like not even 70 bucks a year on coffee. Keurig people spend about 10x more on coffee expenses...whist motherfuckas who buy their coffee from fast food as their morning ritual spend over 1,000 bux a year if they do that everyday (every single day seems excessive but even every second day would still rack up 543 bux an annum).


Finishing Paragraph

I love reducin' my expenses like a frugal man. I make my own beer and shit and it costs me like 30 bux for 50 beerz now and they taste more good than crappy beer too.

I wish I could buy a small island, make a coffee farm, and form a trusty well-to-do gang of Mexican-looking people with donkeys and get my hands on my own coffee beans. We'd take pride in our work and only pick the best beans and throw out the dumb/ugly beans...and we'd work up a sweat all day, me and these Mexican guys. When the harvest was done we'd all high five and shit, too. That would be cool. Me and them would really feel like we put in an honest day's work...day in and day out.

That's just a dream, I know I'll never be a Mexican-looking guy who has a coffee farm...that's only for my dreams. Everyday would be like a sunny holiday if I owned my own coffee-farm/island.


The best a frugal and cheap man like me can do to efficiently drink coffee is to use the regulation coffee maker method which amounts to only about 70 bux a year of expenses after the initial 20 buck investment in the machinery.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

This Week in Satire

Yo, remember This Week in Baseball with that Mel Allen? That show had such a good theme and a good host. Oh, man that was a good show.

This blog post is called "This Week in Satire" and we shall be exploring two pieces of satire created this week (or close enough to this week, anyway) by satirists. One case of satire is extraordinarily well done whilst the second case of satire is a hunk of bull crap.

You should read this article while listening to the "This Week In..." theme song linked to in the link above....because it is one of the greatest musical arrangements known to human man and it has no words so it won't bugger up your mental faculties while reading because it's just instrumental. It goes on for 8 minutes in that video linked above so it should last the whole read-through.

Case 1: Legends bein' Legends

I watched an episode of South Park the other week that I thought was a masterpiece in the satire genre. That show is in its 18th season now and it's still cranking out the good shit.

It was entitled "Gluten-Free Ebola" and it detailed the small town's hysteria in regards to a "gluten" epidemic.

It starts with that guidance counselor Mackey (mmmm-kay) bustin' into a teacher's lounge meeting and bragging about how his bitch ass is "gluten-free" to the dismay of the other teachers who can't stand hearing this piece of bitch talk about this bitch ass shit any more. Apparently, Mackey feels wonderful after cutting gluten out of his diet and urges others to do the same.

A few scenes down the line, a nice scientist man from the USDA politely explains what exactly gluten is and the statements within are correct. Gluten indeed is protein condensed from wheat, barley, or rye. That's it, that's all it is and it is not bad for you.

In almost Fortean nature...wait...I don't want to compare it to Charles Fort...no one knows who that is and it makes me look like some kind of hipster weirdo if I commend their style by comparing it to some writer from the fucking 1910s.

Oh No! His Dick flew off!
Ok, so that correct yet boring explanation of gluten won't make a full 30-minutes of television and it is quite boring....the simplest and correct answers are in fact boring. So, next thing you know....people are eating gluten and their fucking dicks start literally flying off! Holy crap.

In wake of everyone's dick flying off (I wonder what happened if a female South Parkian ate gluten), the USDA sends out guys in hazmat suits to quarantine and contain any instances of gluten. Sadly, many people weren't aware just how many common food items contain grains in them, such as bagels n' beer for example, and many South Park residents failed to remove all gluten from their residences. These unlucky fools were quarantined off at the local Papa John's pizza hut.

Fortunately, After Cartman is visited in a cottage-esque dreamscape by Aunt Jamima and given the solution to solve this terrible gluten problem...all becomes well again in South Park. Yay.

Key Quote - USDA official: "If it wasn't for us telling people what to eat...people'd be eating chairs and dirt!"

Ok so if you're wondering about gluten, the very bottom line with gluten is actually this:

1. If you have been diagnosed with coeliac's disease: Limit or cut out gluten.
2. If you HAVE NOT been diagnosed with coeliac's disease: Eat all the grains you want.

Before you go jump off the deep end you should know that less than 1% of North Americans have coeliac's disease. Yes, more people are allergic to peanuts than there are people allergic to grains...it is not very common at all. In fact, more than 99% of humans in North America can eat grains and enjoy them, yet if you'd ask a person who is on a gluten-free diet you'd think grains were some sort of damned helll-fire poison which is waiting to destroy your innards...and make your dick fly off.

This is literally what happens in society almost every week now, some made up problem is blown out of proportion and sends everyone into a mass hysteria. Thankfully, the legends over at the South Park studio know how to satire this shit properly and make us all laugh.


Case 2: Jabronies bein' Jabronies

Movin' along in our next segment of This Week in Satire, we shall be looking into a bit on the newly formed "Last Week Tonight" hosted by foreigner John Oliver. If you haven't seen this show yet, Oliver, takes subjects in the news and satires them....sometimes they are cute but sometimes they are the asinine babblings of a heavily inbred outlander.

In the wake of the release of that horrible Sociological Horror Film entitled "Fed Up" narrated by jabroni-extraordinaire Katie Couric, it looks like all of society is in a big ol' fashion hysteria over sugar. In one of Oliver's latest opinion pieces (likely written for him by a gang of pasty-faced nerds for him to read on air), this man from an obscure island nation in Europe which stills practices Monarchy as its official form of government, weighed in on the whole Sugar Hysteria.

Unlike a hilarious romp of masterful comedic story-telling that you'd find on South Park, it appears John Oliver's satirical style leaves much to be desired. Instead of laughing at society's unrational fear of sugar...Oliver totally embraces the hysteria and jumps on the bandwagon.

In the coup de gras of his diatribe, he orders all food manufacturers and retailers to put a "circus peanut" sticker on the food item's label for each 5 grams of sugar contained in the foodstuff. So, if the item has 15 grams of sugar...it would have 3 big circus peanuts on the label for all the retarded people to know that this item has sugar in it.

For example, if I were to sell an apple picked right off any old tree....

Average apple = 5 ounces or 100 grams


Sugar in average 100 gram apple = 10 grams 

Every 5 grams apparently needs one stupid circus peanut on the label...So if I, theoretically, sold 1 apple to 1 human.....I'd need to stick a sticker with 2 circus peanuts onto the apple. Wow, what a good idea.


1 Apple = 2 Circus Peanuts. Okay......
Yes apples have sugar in them, they contain the chemical compound C6H12O6 to the weight of 5 grams. Does that scare you? That spooky C6H12O6 edible substance that is found in fruits? You know what else is in apples? Magnesium, potassium, phosphorous, calcium, iron....and other Heavy Metals. 

Is it polite to talk about common things like apples in this manner? Not really, but it's fun and it scares stupid people. Here watch this, I'm gonna write a paragraph in the style of your average organic food bozo about apples, you ready? Here goes...


"My heart, body, mind, and soul want only natural god-loved essences to touch it. That's why I avoid eating dangerous toxic chemicals. I have replaced all chemicals with non-threatening nourishment. I once bit into something which almost ruined my qi flow...
This monstrosity of an abomination contained the chemical compound C6H12O6! It held that series of letters and numbers that I can't even understand deep within it's skin and flesh. It even contained IRON! YES IRON! The same iron they use to make the bars of prison cells. It was this iron that I ate when I bit into this abomination of nourishment! I felt that iron in my body! I felt that heavy metal in my bones! I even felt it in my blood! I felt the iron...the same iron they use to imprison people...I felt that iron imprisoning my own blood. I quickly vomited, de-toxed myself with a wire-brush, and cast the vile C6H12O6 and heavy metals out of my body. Can you imagine eating a food that contains the same metal they use to hold humans confined in cells? What world is this that we live in where someone would eat food like this?
I implore all my HeartMind children...please STOP EATING APPLES!"
-(Me, Doing an Impression of a Silly Hippy)

You could scare people about anything using this method, you really could. The dumbest version of this shtick I can recall was done by another British clown named Oliver, that jabroni Jamie Oliver, who used to always do a bit on talk shows where he compared ice cream to human hair and beaver anuses. He'd make an ice-cream sundae and then he'd fill up another bowl with hair, shit, and anus...and he'd tell the talk show host..."hey, you know ice cream is hair n' anuses, right...here have some hair and anus!" and then the talk show host would wimper away and vow never to eat ice cream ever again.

If I was hosting a talk show and Jamie Oliver made me two bowls of ice cream...one which was real ice cream and one which was a bowl of human hair and anus...and he asked me if I'd still eat the ice cream...I'd throw the hair n' anus all over his stupid face and then gladly eat every single last bit of the delicious ice cream! Why? Because I'm smart enough to know the difference between a bowl of ice cream and a damned bowl of hair and anus!

As for the other British Oliver, that John Oliver, if he thinks I need two circus peanut stickers on an apple to let me know there's some fucking sugar in it before I bite into it...then there's another British guy who needs a face full of anus.

Bottom line with sugar...

1. If you have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes: Extremely limit intake of all forms of sugars.
2. If you HAVE NOT been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes: Enjoy eating sugar....but don't go crazy.

Unlike coeliac's disease that we mentioned above, type 2 diabetes is far more common and almost 10% of people have it in varying forms of severity. One out of every ten people has to extremely limit their intake of sugars (glucose, fructose, sucrose) and regularly test their blood to see if their blood sugar level went out of whack after that bowl of Lucky Charms they just ate. Still, 90% of people in North America do not have blood sugar levels that will fly off the charts if they eat even a large amount of sugars due to their pancreas' ability to create insulin to meld with the sugars and turn it into energy for their human bodies. One thing to still look out for is cavities though...anyone who goes buck overboard with their sugar and does not regularly brush their teeth may develop holes in their teeth. Also, when your insulin converts sugar to energy you'll get pretty pumped...so if you're a parent and you have kids who won't sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up then you might want to take the Pixie Stix out of their lunch.

Honestly, the worst thing about this attempt at satire is it comes almost a week before All Hallow's Ween, the fucking festival of fucking candy. This is not at all what we need right now, we do not need a big sugar hysteria. I guarantee this ill-advised bit ran by foreigner John Oliver's program will lead to more soccer-moms giving out fucking plastic bags full of carrots this coming Halla-Ween.

Back in my day, "Trick or Treat" used to mean "give me some fucking candy or me and my friends are gonna throw rotten eggs at your dumb house," yet kids these days are lackluster and lame...if they get a bag of broccoli from some Oprah-watcher's house they won't even do shit. I think it's up to the parents to teach their kids how to be cool and how to not suck. Parents of the modern age, you should take some rotten eggs with you this Hallow's Ween as you chaperone your spawns around the suburbs and if your kid gets a plastic baggie full of cauliflower then you best teach your sweaty kids how to egg a fucking house.

Gimme Candy or Fuck Off. Oh, and while we're at it...I got a bone to pick with that Sesame Street too...why is my man Cookie Monster eating a bunch of fucking vegetables now? He's the COOKIE MONSTER for crying out loud. He eats cookies for goodness sakes! That's the guy's whole prerogative, that's what the dude does, he eats cookies, that's his thing...if he's not eating cookies anymore then he's not The Cookie Monster.


Conclusion

A big thumbs up to the Legends who make South Park...that show knows how to run a satire down the middle for some big yards. No one can hold a candle to these guys when it comes to making fun of dumb shit. Still got great material even after 18 friggin' years, my word, this show blows me away sometimes. Props.

A big thumbs down to This Week Tonight and foreign gaijin John Oliver for delivering one of the most sucky things I've seen in a while. I think he's running out of ideas though. If you watch the other two guys who run this shtick, Johnny Stewart and Stevie Colbert, you'll notice that they just read weird news items (usually about dumb politicians)  and then make a couple jokes about it, it's all bing-bam-boom, which is a more sustainable shtick. Oliver, with his show, always has to make these huge long-winded fusses about something, and there really just isn't something every week that you can make an over-the-top long-winded fuss about and eventually you'll simply run out of material for these bits.

Look at Doctor Oz, (who Oliver did a good job making fun of after Oz's brush with senate over his green coffee bullcrap, by the way)...Oz used to have quite a normal show in the fist season, which dealt with actual health issues, but after he ran out of material he devolved into being a total non-functional retarded asshole. I think the structure of Oliver's show will lead him down the same path...I think he's destined to wind up being a sack of crap with the way he's taking this show...I believe this recent sugar fuss is a shark-jump point that is unrecoverable from and it is sad because his show has only been on for like half a year...not even one season yet.

For the the crime of trying to ruin Halla-Ween, foreigner John Oliver should be successively suplexed in the modulation of 10....that means someone should suplex him over and over ten times in a row, yo.



(End Note: Too hard on John Oliver, his show's actually pretty good but that sugar bit was pretty crap)

(End Note II: Don't egg houses, I never actually egged a house, it was a joke) 

(End Note III: John Oliver doesn't really deserve successive suplexes in modulo 10...he's a cool guy...plus he couldn't sustain SSM3 let alone SSM10. Jamie Oliver on the other hand...that guys needs successive suplexes in modulo 12) 

Monday, October 27, 2014

The Greatest Lead-Off Guys Evar!

Gonna do this blog's seasonal trademark "Rock for Hall of Fame" article earlier this season, this is of course the 4th annual article of this genre.

Previous "Rock for Hall" articles:

1. Rock and Roll #1
2. Rock and Roll #2
3. Rock and Roll #3

This time around, we'll be looking at the greatest leadoff guys of all time and we'll see how Raines fits in with that class of baseball player. Players will be ranked in relation to 5 tools and will be given a Numeric-based rating in those five-tool variables. The variables will be the following...

1. Gettin' On Base (either using his bat to attain H or his eyes to attain BB).
2. Hittin' da Gaps and Down da Lines (to attain 2B and 3B)
3. Blastin' Bombs (to attain the coveted HR)
4. Runnin' Game (the ability to attain SB, to go first-to-third, and to go second-to-home)
5. D-Fence (ability to handle his position, make crazy cool plays, makin' it look easy, throwin' out runners)

Now, since this article is attempting to specifically rate "Lead-Off Guys", the weight of the ratings will not be the same for all 5 tools. The tools that exemplify a lead off guy will be given a higher weight. Lead off guys are expected to be on base, to get himself around the stations with his speed, and ultimately to cross the pentagon-shaped plate and add a run to the scoreboard. The weights are the following....

1. GOB: 5pts
2. HG&DL: 3pts
3. BBomb: 3pts
4. RG: 5pts
5. D: 3pts

As you can see, due to the article attempting to rate lead-off hitters, gettin' on base and gettin' around the bases via speed will be given a bonus in weight for the ratings. A maximum (best) rating can be 19 points whilst a minimum (worst) can be a rating of 0. Obviously "D" is the most difficult rating to apply because these stats are harder to qualify to achieve analysis....to me "D" is mostly qualified by the difficulty of position they played and since almost all of the guys listed here are outfielders then the only real difficulty is that Center is more of a taxing position then Left/Right.  If they manned Center they will get a a better rating than if they manned Left/Right, and if they were notably bad fielders they will get a poor rating.

Alrighty, let's start...


Rickey

Rickey Henderson was pretty damned amazing and I think everyone who knows baseball history knows that, so, since this article wants to focus on lesser-known players who aren't hall-of-famers, we won't spend too much time on Rickey. Everyone knows Rickey was pretty darned good. If you watched baseball for even one second the eighties or nineties you knew Rickey was a superstar.

Career Stats:



Plate Appearances (sample size): 13,346
Hits + Walks (GOB): 3055 + 2190 = 5,245
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 510 + 66 = 576
Homers (BBomb): 297
Steals/Attempts (RG): 1,406/1,741 (success rate: 80.75%)

Career OBP: .401
Career SLG: .419
Career OPS: .820

Position: Left Field (not known to be a notoriously bad defensive player)
Nickname: Man of Steel

Yeah, Rickey has some nuts stats. He's crossed the plate more times than any other human being in the history of Major League Baseball...no one has ever scored more runs than Rickey. Everyone already knows he was the best lead-off guys ever and everyone during his career and after are compared to him.

The only negative things that are said about Rickey is usually based on the assumption that he was a somewhat selfish player and had the reputation of being a "stat-padder." The most notorious example of this is during a game against the Brewers where Rickey's Padres were winning by a great margin and the opposing Brewers had no chance to win the game...Rickey stole second just to pad his stats...and Brewer's manager Davey Lopes flipped, ran out of the dugout to second base, to kick the shit outta Rickey and tell him that he was getting drilled the next time a Brewers' pitcher faced him.

Henderson was known as being a stat-padder who loved to see his stats increase and didn't care whether him being caught stealing would harm his team (like trying to steal third with two outs), or enrage the opposition (like stealing bases in late-innings with a huge lead).

It's hard to find anything wrong with Rickey due to him being a literal Super Star...the only other thing I can think of is that Rickey didn't understand pluralization as we can see from his Hall of Fame speech, Rickey puts an "s" on words that don't need them and doesn't put an "s" on pluralized words. Observe,


I know that not using pluralization in linguistics wouldn't really affect his ability to play baseball but it's hard to find anything wrong with Rickey...you really have to nit pick because he was pretty much possibly the greatest position player of all time.

1. GOB: 5
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 3
4. RG: 5
5. D: 2

Total Score: 18



Rock

Tim Raines is undoubtedly my favoritist baseball man who ever lived.

When I played that little league baseball, my batting stance looked like his, and everything else. I thought Tim Raines was the kewlest guy evar.

No doubt about it.

Career Stats:



Plate Appearances (sample size): 10,359
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2605 + 1330 = 3,935
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 430 + 113 = 543
Homers (BBomb): 170
Steals/Attempts (RG): 808/954 (success rate: 84.69%)

Career OBP: .385
Career SLG: .425
Career OPS: .810

Position: Left Field (not known to be a notoriously bad defensive player)
Nickname: ROCK

Tim Raines is the reason all my sweat-pants as a kid were ripped to shreds. I used to compulsively "steal" the objects. furniture, and fixtures around me as a child-unit. I used spend hours running and sliding into inanimate objects. I'd steal the sofa, then the chair, then the t.v. stand, then run upstairs and steal the other sofa, some kitchen chairs, slide into a bed or two, head first slide into the fridge....etc, etc, etc.

Tim Raines is so cool.

1. GOB: 4.5
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 2
4. RG: 5
5. D: 2

Total Score: 16.5



Willie Wilson

The Royals are such an exciting team to watch in the World Series and I hope they come through and win the 2014 World Series. They are the running team of the new millennium. Young people probably don't know that the Royals had one of the greatest leadoff guys who ever played. In fact, unlike Raines who had the luxury of playing in National League and thus was able to not constantly be compared to Rickey...Willie Wilson was in the AL and played against Rickey and therefore was more in the shadow of Rickey than anyone else. People don't even think about Willie in discussions of this nature yet look at his stats...


Plate Appearances (sample size): 8,317
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2207 + 425 = 2,632
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 281 + 147 = 428
Homers (BBomb): 41
Steals/Attempts (RG): 668/802 (success rate: 83.29%)

Career OBP: .326
Career SLG: .376
Career OPS: .702

Position: Mostly Left Field (not known to be a notoriously bad defensive player) 
Nickname: None

Willie's main strength was slap-hitting singles to maintain a high batting averages (career .285 BA), stealin' bases like a bat outta hell, and gappin' triples (this guy gapped 21 triples in a single season back in '85). His weakness is obviously his lack of base-on-balls which lead him to a poor career OBP of only .326...he could slap his way on to steal into scoring position and quite often gap his way on with doubles and triples into scoring position yet his lack of walks definitely affected his ability to score runs for his team.

As to why Willie was never given a cool nickname? I don't know...an alliteration of the W.W. of his name would have logically made a "W" related nickname easy to produce. His speed being his biggest weapon would have suggested the nickname "Wheels" Wilson or Willie "Wicked Wheels" Wilson would have fit extraordinarily well...yet he never secured a cool nickname throughout his career.

1. GOB: 2 
2. HG&DL: 3 
3. BBomb: 0.5 
4. RG: 5 
5. D: 2

Total Score: 12.5



Kenny Lofton

Next we'll handle ol' Kenny. Who was another incredibly gifted player who has sort of been forgotten since he didn't muster the vote percentage needed to stay on the hall of fame ballot.

He's one of the greatest lead off guys ever but sadly his career only began in the early nineties and the so-called "Steroid Era" was almost ready to go into full swing. If Kenny was born 10 years earlier and put up these numbers in the 80s he would be more highly regarded yet with all the Mark McGwires, Jose Cansecoes, Albert Belles, Frank Thomases, Barry Bondses, Sammy Sosas and Jeff Bagwells of the nineties...Kenny Lofton was pretty much drowned out by meat-heads banging out ludicrous amounts of homers. Still, Lofton's skill set should not be forgotten and his numbers should not be forgotten by baseball history. His career ticket is as follows...

Plate Appearances (sample size): 9,235
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2428 + 945 = 3,373 
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 383 + 116 = 499
Homers (BBomb): 130
Steals/Attempts (RG): 622/782 (success rate: 79.53%)

Career OBP: .372
Career SLG: .423
Career OPS: .794

Position: Mostly Center Field (not known to be a notoriously bad defensive player)
Nickname: None

Kenny was just about a 5-tool player, but as mentioned, he played in an era where muscle-meats were hitting up to 70 friggin' homers a year sometimes, so his modest homer numbers which at times hit the mid teens (14, 15) were nothing special at all. Still, his numbers are pretty darned amazing if you ask me. He got on base a lot, he got extra-base hits, the odd homerun, and ran like a jaguar. despite playing in the heart of the steroid era...Lofton deserves his kudos for the career he had.

1. GOB: 4
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 1.5
4. RG: 4
5. D: 2.5

Total Score: 15



Lou Brock

He was THE lead-off guy until Rickey and Rock came along and re-defined the genre. How does his numbers stack up now?

Although his numbers may come up a little flat...people should see Brock as a pioneer for this type of baseball. He was the first guy to tear up the basebaths like nobody else before him.





Plate Appearances (sample size): 10,332
Hits + Walks (GOB): 3,023 + 761 = 3,784
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 486 + 141 = 627
Homers (BBomb): 149
Steals/Attempts (RG): 938/1,245 (success rate: 75.34%)

Career OBP: .343
Career SLG: .410
Career OPS: .753

Position: Mostly Corner Outfield (not known to be a notoriously bad defensive player)
Nickname: The Human Franchise

The big thing here is you notice Lou's OPS is way below Henderson's (.820), Raines' (.810) and even Lofton's (.794)...clocking in at only .753 which is quite low for a Hall of Fame outfielder. He nailed the gaps and got down the lines better than any of the other contestants so far but his low batting averages in some seasons and his low walk rate really hurt his overall OPS.

The benefit for Brock is he was the first player to blow people away with his ability to run around the bases...when he stole 118 bases in '74 it no doubt shocked the baseball world. Still, his numbers don't compare to some of the guys who came after him.

1. GOB: 2.5
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 2
4. RG: 5
5. D: 2

Total Score: 14.5



Joe Morgan

Finally, a non-outfielder! It's the second-baseman, member of the Big Red Machine, and broadcaster Joe Morgan! Yay! Obviously being a non-outfielder he automatically gets max points in the defense column. Morgan will surprise you with his numbers because most don't really remember him as the run scorer he was...they prefer to remember the more flashy Lou Brock instead from that era.




Plate Appearances (sample size): 11,329
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2,517 + 1,865 = 4,382 
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 449 + 96 = 545
Homers (BBomb): 268 
Steals/Attempts (RG): 689/851 (success rate: 80.9)

Career OBP: .392
Career SLG: .427
Career OPS: .819

Position: Second Base (with some Golden Gloves too)
Nickname: Little Joe

Joe Morgan will surprise most as being maybe the only guy possible in this article who possibly can be considered better than Henderson. His numbers other than steals stack up, and he played a much more grueling position at second than Henderson did as a corner outfielder. The only knock on Morgan is that his nickname is super-lame.

1. GOB: 5
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 3
4. RG: 4
5. D: 3

Total Score: 18



Brett Butler

A white guy? Yup. Similar to Woody Harrelson in "White Men Can't Jump," Brett Butler was a guy in the late eighties and early nineties who was trying to be the exemption to the adage of "White Men Can't Run." This is a name no one remembers, but his stats might actually surprise you in relation to how they stack up to other players of his skill set.

(Not to be confused with that woman of the same name from that short-lived sitcom).




Plate Appearances (sample size): 9,545
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2,375 + 1,129 = 3,504
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 277 + 131 = 408
Homers (BBomb): 54
Steals/Attempts (RG): 558/815 (success rate: 68.4)

Career OBP: .377
Career SLG: .376
Career OPS: .753

Position: Mostly Center Field (not known to be an awful fielder)
Nickname: Grace Under Fire / That White Guy Who Runs

His OPS is literally on par with Lou Brock's yet his running game suffers from all the caught stealings. He has by far the lowest success percentage out of these guys so far...clocking in at an abysmal 68%. Maybe he should have cooled off his running game a bit and just attempted to steal maybe 20 to 30 times per season instead of 60 or 70 times. His OBP is where it is at though and his ability to go first-to-third and to score from second base on a single helped him cross the plate a good deal of times.

1. GOB: 4
2. HG&DL: 1
3. BBomb: 0.5
4. RG: 3.5
5. D: 2.5

Total Score: 11.5



Pete Rose

Rose was not a base-stealer but his ability to get on base, go from first-to-third, and cross the plate by hustlin' and playing like "an asbestos dog dressed in a gasoline suit runnin' through hell" lands him on the list of players with this unique skill set. His sample size, however, is absurd due to him getting playing time in his later years when he was definitively washed up...which leads him to have the same reputation as Henderson as being a "stat-padder."

He had OPS numbers of below .700 and even one season below .600 in his 40s while he was still getting close to full seasons of play under his belt. Obviously younger players deserved to play in the stead of Rose yet his name helped him stay in lineups and increase his sample size of numbers well into his decline years.


Plate Appearances (sample size): 15,890 (ok there, yo)
Hits + Walks (GOB): 4,256 + 1,566 = 5,822
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 756 + 160 = 916
Homers (BBomb): 160
Steals/Attempts (RG): 198/347 (success rate: 57%)

Career OBP: .375
Career SLG: .409
Career OPS: .784

Position: All over the damned place (not known to be terrible)
Nickname: The Charliest of Hustles

Rose's OPS is behind Henderson, Raines, and again even behind Kenny Lofton which would probably surprise a lot of people. His base stealing numbers are atrocious and had no business trying to steal bases if he could barely even be successful half the damned time. Still, this guy ran like a maniac and crossed the plate a shit-load of times for the Big Red Machine.

1. GOB: 4
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 1.5
4. RG: 2
5. D: 2

Total Score: 12.5



Craig Biggio

I guess we'll clump all the white guys together so here's Craig Biggio! A guy I saw play a heck-a-va-lot live and this guy could really play ball.

He's a guy who got hit by a lotta pitches too which got him on base even more than usual. He was drilled by 34 pitches one year which is almost Ron Hunt-esque.

Him and those Astros of the late-nineties could run. I remember seeing a game live where Biggio and the Astros stole seven damned bases off of Jeff Juden and Chris Widger in the span of like 5 innings (boxscore courtesy of b-ref). It was Biggio, and Chuck Carr, and some other guys...it was nuts. They were runnin' up a muck...they were really runnin' up a stew.



Plate Appearances (sample size): 12,504 
Hits + Walks (GOB): 3,060 + 1,160 = 4,220 
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 668 + 55 = 723
Homers (BBomb): 291
Steals/Attempts (RG): 414/538 (success rate: 76.9%)

Career OBP: .363
Career SLG: .433
Career OPS: .796

Position: All over the damned place (even behind the damned plate and won goldies at second)
Nickname: Killer B (one of many to hold this monicker)

His OPS sinks him right ahead of Kenny Lofton by a mere 2 points but is distinctly less than Henderson's and Raines'. His base stealing ability was similar to Butler's but unlike his white base-stealin' counterpart...Biggio didn't attempt to steal as much as Butler and only stole in circumstances where he was sure he had a chance to steal it leading him to have a better success rate than Butler yet still well behind others (notably Raines' 84.69% success rate). I wouldn't be surprised if he makes the Hall and he will...but people should take note that he wasn't all that much better than Kenny Lofton by any stretch and Lofton didn't even get 5% of the vote.

1. GOB: 3
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 3
4. RG: 3
5. D: 3

Total Score: 15



Paul Molitor

This guy was pretty darned good himself and "Moh-Lit-Tohr" was a pretty fun last name to say. Sounds kinda like a robot's name.

Molitor played many infield positions but started already getting a lot of DH time by the age of 30, so despite his time at second and at third base...I don't think Molitor should get a full 3 points in the D-Fence field. I think a two will suit him just fine.




Plate Appearances (sample size): 12,167
Hits + Walks (GOB): 3,319 + 1,094 =  4,413
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 605 + 114 = 719
Homers (BBomb): 234
Steals/Attempts (RG): 504/635 (success rate: 79.37%)

Career OBP: .369
Career SLG: .448
Career OPS: .817

Position: All over the damned place (a lot of time spent at DH however)
Nickname: The Ignitor (pronounced Ig-Night-Tohr).

Obviously an amazing baseball player and already deservingly in the Hall of Fame, however, since his OBP and base stealing numbers aren't in the range of some other players it is unlikely he will be the renowned as one of the greatest lead-off guys of all time. Top-5 is a good bet, though.

1. GOB: 4
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 3
4. RG: 3.5
5. D: 2

Total Score: 15.5




Ichiro

Ichiro is an interesting case because half of his career was in the Nippon league and only half of his career was across da pacific pond over here on this side of the planet earth. Still, he's put up some huge amounts of hits with his slappity-slappy-slap style of chip-away hittin' and has some good numbers. I have never in my life seen a live game with Ichiro in it to date which is mainly due to him being in the American League his whole career. I always wanted to see him live.




Plate Appearances (sample size): 9,663
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2,844 + 565 = 3,409
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 336 + 85 = 421
Homers (BBomb): 112
Steals/Attempts (RG): 487/596 (success rate: 81.7%)

Career OBP: .360
Career SLG: .411
Career OPS: .771

Position: Right Field (known to be excellent and efficient)
Nickname: 鬼才


Like Brock and others, his OPS looks a little lackluster for a legend. He, like many others, is behind Kenny Lofton and way behind Henderson and Raines. He steals efficiently though and since Japanese catcher's arms are not known to be significantly worse than MLB catcher's arms...I'm tempted to count his 199 bases he stole in the Nippon league yet since this is for the MLB Hall of Fame those numbers cannot in the end be used. If you do take the 199 he stole before coming overseas he'd sit at 686 steals which jumps him ahead of both Kenny and Wicked Wheels Wilson.

1. GOB: 3
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 2
4. RG: 4
5. D: 2.5

Total Score: 14.5



Otis Nixon

Goodness gracious and great googly-moo, I can't believe I managed to sneak my man Otis up in here. Yet, his numbers stack up so he's gotta have an entry of his own. He along with Gary Gaetti and Randy Johnson are the only 3 Major Leaguers to ever be referenced on one of the greatest shows ever...Mystery Science Theatre 3000...so he's got that going for him too.

He's also named Otis Nixon, in case you didn't know. Which is a good name.




Plate Appearances (sample size): 5,800
Hits + Walks (GOB): 1,379 + 585 = 1,964 
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 142 + 27 = 169 (yucky)
Homers (BBomb): 11 (that's not a lot)
Steals/Attempts (RG): 620/806 (success rate: 76.9%)

Career OBP: .343
Career SLG: .314 (yeeeeeeesh)
Career OPS: .658 (yowza)

Position: Center Field (known to be quite good)
Nickname: Oats and Whey Nixon

I wrote a song once about Otis Nixon in elementary school instead of paying attention in class and it was the greatest and most catchy song anyone ever wrote.


1. GOB: 2.5
2. HG&DL: 0.5
3. BBomb: 0
4. RG: 4.5
5. D: 2.5

Total Score: 10



Marquis Grissom

Sneakin' in another personal favorite while I have the chance and getting another Expo hatted man in here. This article is going on a long time, I started writing this in like the 4th inning of game 5 of the 2014 World Series and now it's the 8th inning...either way...The Grip is bustin' in this article too so make way.

I saw him hit in-da-park homers, score from third on short sac-flies. In his halcyon days...this cat could flat-out storm on the basepaths.




Plate Appearances (sample size): 8,959
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2,251 + 553 = 2,804
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 386 + 56 = 442
Homers (BBomb): 227
Steals/Attempts (RG): 429/545 (success rate: 78.71%)

Career OBP: .318
Career SLG: .415
Career OPS: .732

Position: Center Field (known to be quite good)
Nickname: The Grip

His OBP is his main flaw yet his OPS isn't that bad thanks to his late career when he became a power hitter and hung up his base stealin' cleats. He stole with almost an 80% success rate in his early career and snagged 429 bases which is pretty good. I just wanted to get him in here cause he's a cool guy and one of my all-time favorite baseball dudes.


1. GOB: 1
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 3
4. RG: 3.5
5. D: 2.5

Total Score: 13



Juan Pierre

Here we go, a modern day player! A guy who played through the Steroid+ era of Pujols, A-Rods, Heltons, and all those guys. If Lofton's stats were washed away by the nineties Steroid Era then Juan Pierre's numbers are DROWNED out by the Steroid+ era. His numbers are damned good too...





Plate Appearances (sample size): 8,280
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2,217 + 464 = 2,681 
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 255 + 94 = 349
Homers (BBomb): 18
Steals/Attempts (RG): 614/817 (success rate: 75.15%)

Career OBP: .343
Career SLG: .361
Career OPS: .704

Position: Center Field (known to be decent)
Nickname: The Haitian Sensation

He's a slightly better version of Otis Nixon, yet it's cool that at least one guy in modern baseball is still playing like it's the seventies or eighties...and who knows...with the Steroid+ era in remission we may start seeing a whole lot more Juan Pierres in the big leagues again. Jose Reyes and Mike Trout are both too young to be included in a "baseball history" sorta article like this but they are two guys who can play this way too. That Billy Hamilton is destined to be more of an Otis than a Henderson or a Raines...but that kid in Cincinnati can run too. Modern baseball still has some of these guys left, which is good. The Steroid era and the Steroid+ era didn't squeeze them all out.


1. GOB: 2.5
2. HG&DL: 1.5
3. BBomb: 0
4. RG: 4
5. D: 2.5

Total Score: 10.5



Willie McGee

The World Series game still isn't over as I write this (9th now) so I'm gonna throw in some more guys before we close this article out. Make way for that slap hittin' man-of-the-hour...WILLIE MCGEEEEEEEEE! YEAH!

There's not one person on earth who does not love Willie McGee. If you're sitting there and pretending you don't like Willie McGee...then just grow up...you're not fooling anyone...everyone loves Wille McGee. Stop lying to yourself.


Plate Appearances (sample size): 8,188
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2,254 + 448 = 2,702
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 350 + 94 = 444 
Homers (BBomb): 79
Steals/Attempts (RG):
352/473 (success rate: 74.4%)
 

Career OBP: .333 
Career SLG: .396
Career OPS: .729


Position: Out Field (known to be decent and won son Goldies)
Nickname: ... (how the fuck did Willie McGee never get a nickname?)

1. GOB: 2
2. HG&DL: 2.5
3. BBomb: 1.5
4. RG: 2.5
5. D: 2.5

Total Score: 11



Tony Gwynn

Rest in peace, legend. I saw you live in the flesh hit your 3,000th hit at Olympic Stadium...you were a true legend. Serious.

Tony is in here, but like others he was more in the role of an RBI-guy for most of his career and though he was an amazing player it is unlikely he will be considered one of the best Lead-Off guys of all time.




Plate Appearances (sample size): 10,232
Hits + Walks (GOB): 3,141 + 790 = 3,931 
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 543 + 85 = 628
Homers (BBomb): 135
Steals/Attempts (RG):
319/444 (success rate: 71.84%)
 

Career OBP: .388
Career SLG: .459
Career OPS:
.847

Position: Right Field (not known to be a bad fielder)
Nickname: Mr. Padre (get outta here Tim Flannery...you bum, don't ever call yourself that again. That's Tony's name.)

Since this article is rating lead-off hitters, Tony, though having a higher OPS than Rickey and Raines, will wind up with a lower final tally. His role was more hitting out of the number three slot and to drive in leadoff guys...yet he did display the skill set of a leadoff guy. 

1. GOB: 5
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 1.5
4. RG: 2.5
5. D: 2

Total Score: 14



Wade Boggs

Like Pete Rose, Boggs ran like shit...but he did log a hell-a-vu-lotta at-bats from the lead off spot over his career and he was definitely not a power hitter so he has to be included in here too.

There was always something about Boggs that irked me, I never figured out what it was though. Maybe because he looked sorta like Carney Lansford...and that guy seemed odd, I found.






Plate Appearances (sample size): 10,740 
Hits + Walks (GOB): 3,010 + 1,412 = 4,422  
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 578 + 61 = 639 
Homers (BBomb): 118
Steals/Attempts (RG):
24/59 (success rate: 40.67%)
 

Career OBP: .415 
Career SLG: .443
Career OPS:
.858

Position: Thirdbase (not known to be a good fielder)
Nickname: Chicken Man (cuz he always ate chicken at the same time before a game)

Wade couldn't homer so he hit at the top of the order a lot, he couldn't run but since he was ALWAYS on base...he scored a lot of freakin' runs, man. He won gold gloves later in his career as a member of the Yankees in '94 and '95...why was he awarded these? I have no clue. He did not excel at third whether early or especially late in his career. He was given these gold gloves simply for playing in a big market city for the Yankees and did not deserve them.

Obviously, like Tony Gwynn...because we are trying to find the greatest lead-off guy and Wade's skill set is more for a number 3 hitter like Tony...his ratings will be hindered a bit in this contest. Wade's a great player but not he greatest lead-off hitter of all time.

1. GOB: 5
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 1
4. RG: 0
5. D: 2

Total Score: 11


Vince Coleman

Great player, well great baserunner anyway, not so much a great hitter though.

It's a shame that he's remembered for that one time he tried to celebrate after a game by whipping fire crackers into the parking lot as the Mets rolled outta Dodger Stadium but he didn't realize fire crackers are extremely dangerous and a little 1-year old girl got burned. He didn't mean it....

Vinny Coleman might give Otis a run for his money for dead last on this list.

Plate Appearances (sample size): 5,970
Hits + Walks (GOB): 1,425 + 477 =  1,902
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 176 + 89 = 265
Homers (BBomb): 28
Steals/Attempts (RG): 752/929 (success rate: 80.94%)

Career OBP: .324
Career SLG: .345
Career OPS: .668

Position: Mostly Leftfield (not too shabby yet unexceptional)
Nickname: Vincent Van Go (like the artist but Go as in Go!)

People remember him in a more glorious light than his stats should indicate. Many even think he was better than Raines. I've read a lot of articles from people who really mis-remember how good Coleman was. He was more like an Otis Nixon or a Gary Pettis type player. He does look pretty fuckin' gangsta in his photo though.

1. GOB: 1.5
2. HG&DL: 1
3. BBomb: 0.5
4. RG: 5
5. D: 2

Total Score: 10



Barry Larkin

Barry was a shortstop, and was an excellent one at that, so like Joe Morgan, he will get an automatic 3 points in the D section. Barry was a great player who played his whole career on one team. He is a hall of famer and legend.

Larkin was a real superstar, but his superstar status is in the fact that he was a gold glove shorstop who just happened to be an excellent hitter. He, similar to Boggs and Gwynn, are incredible players yet not exactly the greatest lead off men of all time.


Plate Appearances (sample size): 9,057
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2,340 + 939 = 3,279
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 441 + 76 = 517
Homers (BBomb): 198
Steals/Attempts (RG):
379/456 (success rate: 83.11%)
 

Career OBP: .371
Career SLG: .444
Career OPS:
.815

Position: Short Stop (Gold Glover)
Nickname:  B-Lark? (I dunno, he's another guy who never got adorned a nickname)

1. GOB: 4
2. HG&DL: 3
3. BBomb: 2.5
4. RG: 3
5. D: 3

Total Score: 15.5


Maury Wills

Now we're getting way old school here, with guys like Maury Wills. Yet, Wills stole 100+ bases in 1964 so he is a pre-Lou Brock basepath menace...no doubt about it.

Wouldn't be far fetched to call him the trail-blazer in basepath blazin' come to think of it.

Briefly an Expo too...which is cool.



Plate Appearances (sample size): 8,306
Hits + Walks (GOB): 2,134 + 552 = 2,686
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 177 + 71 = 248
Homers (BBomb): 20
Steals/Attempts (RG):
586/794 (success rate: 73.8%)
 

Career OBP: .330
Career SLG: .331
Career OPS:
.661

Position: Short Stop (Gold Glover too)
Nickname:  None stated

1. GOB: 2
2. HG&DL: 1
3. BBomb: 0
4. RG: 4
5. D: 3

Total Score: 10


Jackie Robinson

What article about speedy lead-off men would be complete without the Legends of Legends...a veritable Legend's Legend...Mr. Jackie Robinson.

This is the entry in this list from the furthest back in time, all the way back to the nineteen fifteens with ol' Jackie.

Jackie, like Ichiro, only began playing in the majors at the age of 28 yet for an entirely different reason. Jackie lived in the USA yet in the 1940's black men were not allowed to play baseball despite their ability to do so. In fact, as most would know...Jackie was the first black man to play Major League Baseball.

His sample size is quite small due to this reason as he only played ten years of ball due to not being allowed to play initially.


Plate Appearances (sample size): 5,804
Hits + Walks (GOB): 1,518 + 740 = 2,258
Double + Triples (HG&DL): 273 + 54 =327
Homers (BBomb): 137
Steals/Attempts (RG): 
197/ ??? (success rate omitted)
 

Note: Since Jackie started his career 5 years prior to Caught Stealing being recorded as a statistic...his caught stealing records are incomplete so his steal success rate is left omitted. His stolen bases are legit, however.

Career OBP: .409
Career SLG: .474
Career OPS:
.883

Position: All Over (mostly second base)
Nickname:  None stated

1. GOB: 5
2. HG&DL:3
3. BBomb: 3
4. RG: 3
5. D: 2.5

Total Score: 16.5

Note: Jackie's career stats would have been much higher if he was allowed into the league earlier. As stated he only had his rookie year at the age of 28...whilst guys like Raines and others had their rookie year at the age of 20. Had he played a full career he would have likely been the greatest lead-off hitter of all time.


Assessment

Leadoff Guy Leader Board:

1. Rickey Henderson 18 (HALL)
2. Joe Morgan 18 (HALL)
3. Tim Raines 16.5
3. Jackie Robinson 16.5 (HALL)
4. Paul Moilitor 15.5 (HALL
4. Barry Larkin 15.5 (HALL)
7. Kenny Lofton 15
7. Craig Biggio 15
9. Lou Brock 14.5 (HALL)
9. Ichiro 14.5
11. Tony Gwynn 14 (HALL)
12. Marquis Grissom 13
13. Willie Wilson 12.5
13.. Pete Rose 12.5
14. Brett Butler 11.5
15. Willie McGee 11
16. Wade Boggs 11 (HALL)
17. Juan Pierre 10.5
18. Maury Wills 10
18. Vince Coleman 10
18. Ol' Otis 10



Note: Boggs and Gwynn were included because they hit quite a bit of leadoff...though they are handicapped due to being more RBI-guys in nature than Run-guys....and this article was to rate leadoff hitters so although they are great players they score lower on here due to not being excellent baserunners and more suited for the 3-slot.


Conclusion

This went on too long, I was starting to look at Gary Redus, Julio Franco, Ryne Sandberg, Robin Yount, Ron LeFlore, Rodney Scott, Mickey Rivers, Juan Samuel, Bert Campaneris, Garry Pettis, Delino DeShields, Omar Moreno, Bill North, Harold Reynolds, Dave Collins, Luis Aparicio, Mitch Webster, Eric Young Sr., Bob Dernier, Bake McBride, Tommy Harper, Terry Puhl, Tommie Agee, Warren Cromartie, Ken Griffey Sr, (trouble in da suez!), Garry Templeton, Ozzie Smith, Lonnie Smith, Dwight Smith, Milt Thompson, Cesar Cedeno, Roger Cedeno, but not Andujar Cedeno, Rex "The Wonder Dog" Hudler, Davey Lopes, Lloyd Moseby, Rudy Law, pre-steroid Barry Bonds, Chad fuckin' Curtis, Luis Polonia, Stan Javier, but when I got to Greg Gross...I was like...okay, enough of this shit now. I Can't include everyone ever in here...I'd hafta stay up all night long writin' 'bout leadoff guys.

Anyways, Tim "Rock" Raines, is the third best player of this genre...only behind Rickey Henderson and Joe Morgan. His skill set of getting on base, stealin' bases, and scoring runs was complimented by his hitting prowess and decent power.

If Biggio gets in before Raines...to me...it would be a bit of an insult. Just because Biggio's another one of those guys who got to the arbitrary sum of 3,000 hits he's primed to be a shoe-in yet was Craig Biggio a better player than Tim Raines? No, he was not...I don't even think Biggio was a better player than Kenny Lofton to be honest.