Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Oh Gosh, I really like those Redneck Monkey Movies.....

Geoffrey Lewis (Left): RIP
One of the stars of those old seventies redneck monkey movies died the other day, Mr. Geoffrey Lewis, and that really got me thinking about those old redneck monkey movies again. I'm Talkin' 'bout Any Which Way but Loose and Any Which Way you Can.

It was these movies 'bout two guys, some chicks, and a monkey who run a foul with a nazi biker gang and the cops...so....Clint Eastwood kicks the shit out of all the nazis and the cops.

I saw these movies when I was really young too. A lot of the American stations that I got as a kid (TBS, WGN, SBK) used to take turns showing redneck movies. Whenever I used to come home from school as like a 12 year old kid...the TV would darned sure have some sort of silly redneck movie on.

Redneck movies involved a lot of drinking, fighting, bottle throwing, truck driving, country music, and a touch of romance. An example of a more modern redneck movie would be like Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze where like Swayze has to drink and fight and bang chicks...but the seventies redneck movies were even more better than Roadhouse.

The pace-setter for seventies redneck movies were the Burt Reynolds ones where he has to drive a truck full of goods somewhere (or ride along side in a trans-am keeping the cops away from the truck is more accurate). This one was ALWAYS on after school when I was a kid and I must have seen it numerous numerous times. Looking back now, Smokey and the Bandit, didn't make any sense. Like, Reynolds is a "smuggler" yet he's smuggling BEER over state lines. As a kid I thought this was soooo bad ass but beer is not illegal in any state. What was so bad ass about "smuggling" cases of two-fours over state lines? Nothing. Anyone can deliver beer....it's not illegal at all. There really was no reason for Officer Jackie Gleason to have given Burt Reynolds and good ol' Cletus a hard time for 2 hours due to them having a truck full of beer.

A year after Smokey and the Bandit came out...someone had a great idea. They took the redneck genre of film (drinkin', truck drivin', n' fightin') and threw a monkey in the mix....not just any monkey, but an Indonesian Orangutan into the mix. Now, if you're not familiar with Any but Way which Can you're probably thinking that putting a Sumatran ape into a redneck movie is just a stupid idea....but you're wrong....it's not a stupid idea. It's a brilliant idea is what it is.

There's no real set-up either as to why Clint Eastwood and Geoffrey Lewis are hanging out with an Orangutan. Clint just goes into some shed near his house and fools around in the dark for a bit, and then the lights come on and it's an orangutan....and then they high five and start chugging beer. That's it. There's no scene about him meeting the ape and there really doesn't need to be. Clint Eastwood is a bare-knuckle boxer who has a monkey...get used to it.

The President of the United States
Look, putting a primate into your films just makes them better, it just does. It's like adding salt to french fries, or bacon on pizza...getting a monkey into your movie just automatically makes it better. It has to be a REAL monkey though...not an animatronic one like in that Korean gorilla baseball movie, and it can't be a midget in a monkey suit like in that Matt LeBlanc baseball movie...IT MUST BE a LIVE n' REAL MONKEY....like in Bedtime for Bonzo starring Ronald Reagan (I've never actually seen Bedtime for Bonzo but from the title I assume it's about the president of the United States helping a monkey fall asleep). It's gotta be a for-real ape...a computer generated monkey or a midget in a suit cannot replicate the effect, it just can't.

It always works, always. Like, Grandma's Boy was a great movie and then they made it even better by whippin' a monkey in it. It can't fail, it's a fool proof strategy.

If you don't like monkeys....there's something veritably wrong with you.


RIP Geoffrey Lewis

What a great actor, he's probably like the first guy ever to wear a baseball cap backwards and that became really cool to do for a while. The last time I saw this guy in a movie, I was actually quite disappointed in what I witnessed though.

The last movie I saw him in was Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects about ten years ago. It's a movie about this circus clown and his family of juggaloes, or whatever the fuck they are, who go around murdering folks. Geoffrey Lewis shows up in this film and takes on the juggaloes.....and loses. What the fuck?

Am I to believe that...a bunch of juggaloes can defeat Clint Eastwood's sidekick? That a bunch of retarded circus clowns can best Geoffrey Lewis in arm-to-arm combat? I don't think there's any situation that could play out in reality where that scenario is even remotely believable!

Lewis fucking hung out with Clint Eastwood, he banged that chick who shows her tits in Hair (the chick that goes on all those National Lampoon Vacations), he's dealt with nazis n' cops n' the mafia, WHILE HANGING AROUND WITH A SUMATRAN ORANGUTAN....and I'm just supposed to suspend belief and accept that this man can be defeated and killed by a bunch of fucking juggaloes? No way, Jose.

It's cool Rob Zombie casted this old screen icon for his juggalo movie...but I feel the direction he took the film was quite effronterous in nature....the film, all in all, was unrealistic and the movie suffered for it. Lewis should have kicked the juggaloes asses, dumped their vehicles into a dump truck and high fived his ape...like what would have happened if this movie took place in real life.

Either way, RIP dude, you were a cool guy.


What's Up with Clint, though?

What's Clint doing with his life these days? How come the seventies Clint was bare knuckle boxing in scrap yards, drinkin' with monkeys, kicking the crap out of nazis and cops, carrying around a 44 magnum, chillin' with Eli Wallach, and bein' good/bad/ugly......while the now-a-times Clint is like worrying about his mom's bridges over counties and hanging out with Meryl Streep? Seems like a weird direction to take his on-screen persona if you ask me.

With the death of Geoffrey Lewis, I think Clint should complete the Whether but Loose which Can trilogy and reprise his role of the Philo Beddoe character one last time. I know he's too old to flip out and shit but he can still be like a wise foul-mouthed granpa who drinks with monkeys and drives the story for the new-era bad-ass lead character.


Conclusion

You can't insert monkeys in every movie or it'll ruin the gimmick....but I would say every 1/14 films could have monkeys inserted into them without losing the monkey magic. So, if you're in the hollywood scene and you're a big-shot you should try to work a monkey into at least one in fourteen of your films, I'd say.

I don't think the Presidential monkey movies work though. I don't think Presidents should be making monkey movies...it's just stupid. Reagan's monkey movie just seems odd.


Thursday, April 2, 2015

With the Dawning of the Digital Age....Is there a Future for Apostrophes, Accents, Cedillas, and Umlauts?

.....or is there NO FUTURE for apostrophes, accents, cedillas, and umlauts in this digital human age?

In this article we will wonder aloud whether these punctuation variables, or as many refer to them "accidents of history," have any place in the current digitized writing climate. We're gonna look at what the heck they are, then we're gonna look at where they probably came from, and then conclude on whether or not these letter variations have a future or not.


What are these Things, anyways?

' = Apostrophe
é, ê, è = Accents
ç = Cedilla
ū = Umlaut


They are cute little punctuation marks that appear in sentences or on top of vowels or under the letter C from time to time in Euro-disseminated languages. English people know about the apostrophe more than any of the others...the others appear in the latin-based romance languages more often (Spanish, French, Portuguese, Italian, Romanian, etc.).

They are for pronunciation and have no value to reading and writing. Speech and reading/writing are two separate mental faculties that surprisingly have little in common with each other. Reading/Writing is very technical and code-based while speech is more wave-modulated audio bits which are learned from listening and repetition.

You can be 100% illiterate and still be a great speaker or singer....speech is not related very much at all with reading/writing. Readin' and writin' is a code that is deciphered with the eyes to the brain whilst speaking/listening is a code deciphered with the ears to the brain.

For that reason, are pronunciation-related variables necessary in eye-related deciphering? Not really, no.

The digital age has seen the rise of Google Translate, which has spidered almost all written linguistic codes and matched them with definitions in order to act as a universal translator. It isn't perfect but it's pretty freaking good to be honest. I can send a Chinese article through it and read it in English and get a pretty good jist/idea of what was stated in the Chinese coded article.

Languages have been broken down, bit by bit, and all definitions/idioms/concepts that these variables represent have been massed together in one database which can churn out any langauge codification into the language you are able to read with your brain. It's pretty amazing, really.

That's the state of affairs in the present (2015), but before we conclude on the question if these linguistic punctuation variables have a place in the human future...let's first look at where I think they originated from.


The Possible History of the Weird Lines n' Slashes on our Dumb Words

Note: This is a theory and I have no way to really prove it so it's just food for thought, really.

I honestly believe that apostrophes, accents, cedillas, and umlauts are accidents of history which were born unto writing by errors in the early printing press era (16th to 18th century).

A written language is only a written language if many many people accept that the definitions of the character-variable sets are what they are. If a few thousand people accept and use the term "Shoe" to refer to the things you put on your feet to help you walk then that character variable set of "Shoe" is thusly an accepted term, part of the lexicon, and part of written language.

Prior to the early printing press era, do you know how many people on earth were literate? Do you know how many people could read linguistic codes and understand them? Less than 1% of people could. The invention of the printing press (which first appeared in China prior to the 14th century) is what made written language codes accepted languages. The automatisation process of the printing press disseminated the written codes to a wide audience who in turn learned the codes in order to read the books and flyers coming off the press line.

Old school printer.
In the early printing press era in Europe, these machines were not exactly the most efficient and error-free devices to say the least. The first problem was the people who worked the printing press machines were illiterate people (paid in pennies) who matched up the symbols they were given to the press plate to print a page....and being illiterate it was common that dozens of small errors were made in every single page that was printed in any given book.

The other big problem was any small damage to the machine plates would get soaked with ink and a page might be printed with dashes, slashes, dots, and other dumb shit all around the page....and since it is a plate and uniform...the dots and slashes APPEARED IN EVERY SINGLE BOOK THAT WAS PRINTED ON THAT MACHINE.

These problems in the early printing press era may even be a large factor as to why European dialects shifted and mutated the way they did. Spanish, French and Italian were once THE SAME LANGUAGE at one point. We must also factor in small deviations of style created by poets and other writers which disseminated texts to their region which altered the written codes in their areas (copy cats wanted to write like the popular poets of their region) yet printing press errors may be a stronger factor as to why dialects variated the way the did.

Imagine the time and place in the 17th century, hundreds of thousands of people learning the new hip thing called reading in their spare time and hundreds of interesting books being printed to be read by these hundreds of thousands of people. The printing presses in all the major metropolis cores (London, Paris, Seville, Lisbon, Venice, Hamburg, etc) are all running off these printing presses like crazy and people in all these core-cities are reading these texts...

Let's say the printing press in Seville made an error on the plate, the worker matched the symbol to his blue print wrong, then hundreds of thousands of people in Seville would read the book with the spelling mistake. Hundreds of thousands of people, who are learning to read for the first time in great masses in human history, all getting a book with a minor alteration in the language system. Next thing you know, all Spanish people are writing "Jajajajajajaja" instead of "Hahahahahaha" to represent laughter because that's how language in written code was presented to them.

Or let's say Lisbon's printing press factory sent out a popular book with a weird line over a vowel. Let's say a scratch in the plate put a small diagonal line over an "e" on EVERY SINGLE BOOK that was printed and acquired by hundreds of thousands of people in Lisbon. All of a sudden people are asking their friends and elders..."Hey, what is this line over the e?" and all it took was one bozo to make up something to pretend he's smart and say..."oh that? Well it means it's an e that's pronounced more high pitched " and next thing you know that scratch on the printing plate has now become a damned RULE of ORTHOGRAPHY and bozo-face gets appointed head of the Portuguese academy of writing rules because everyone thinks he's so fucking smart. Whooop-de-dooooo.

Oh, go take a walk, blue pen bozo.
Or let's say, (just one more, sorry), that London's printing press puts some dumb scratch between some dumb word and people look at it and go "what's that line between my word, guvnah?" and then some fantastic fop pipes up "Well, that's an apostrophe, it is! How could you not know that you simpleton!?" and then that printing plate scratch gets a name and everyone is throwing these new-fangled high falutin' apostrophes in all their dumb books and acting all smart. Fast forward a few hundred years and english teachers ALL OVER THE PLACE are taking out red pens and anxiously scanning their student's papers for the word "your" to see if they put the apostrophe in it if they wanted to denote "you are" and if it's not there....they load up that red pen like it's some sort of scepter of divine truth that shoots lightning at orthographic mistakes and they draw the biggest and meanest circle around your "your" and write over it in HUGE red ink "you're" to let you know how stupid you are! Oh, take a long walk you english teachers, take a nice long walk and really think to yourself how petty you are. You're job is to circle words that have missing apostrophes! You're duty on earth is to circle printing press plate scratches from the 17th century and make your students feel stupid. Take a long introspective walk, you english teachers, you.

Jabroni....thy name is apostrophe.


Does the Digital Human Future have a Place for These Printing Press Mutants of Yester Year?

Look, for style purposes I think everyone should write how they feel is fun for them to write. Me? I like to use punctuation when I write. I use commas and especially ellipses (the three+ dots). I use ellipses because I actually think what I'm gonna write next when I put that break in. I'll be writing these silly blogs.......and then I'll like stop and breathe and think for a second.....and then finish whatever dumb thing I was writin' 'bout.

The other main mutation factor in written langauge codes that I mentioned above is poets and writers who have unique and interesting styles do 100% change the vernacular and lexicon of a region/world. People don't just start writing from scratch otta nowhere...they synthesize and copy other writers who's stuff they've read. So if you like apostrophes or cedillas or umlauts then go for it and use 'em. If that's your style, then yo.

....but....

Don't go overboard with silly writing rules. Like, if you're getting mad over You/You're ....honestly ....you should chill out. If I write this,

"Your taking this reading/writing shit too serious. Maybe you should chill out and go walk you're dog or something..."
In all seriousness, is there a person out there, who can read english, who's so stupid that they couldn't understand what was being stated in that sentence? If you couldn't understand that statement above because a printing press error from the 17th century was omitted from one word then, sorry to rude, but maybe you are very very stupid. Maybe you can't read.

If you did understand that statement but were angered and enraged by it...well....maybe you're a bad person or something. If you love your dumb apostrophe so much maybe you should marry it.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Can a Human Person be Too Pumped?

In this essay we shall be exploring the notion of Gettin' Pumped, Stayin' Pumped, and just generally operating in a pumped up nature.

This essay shall pose aloud the following questions at some point in the piece:

A) "What is the notion of Pumped?"

B
) "Can You be Too Pumped Up?"

C) "What are the Therapeutically applicable and Mental Health appropriations and uses of Gettin'/Stayin' Pumped?"


Note: I am not a psychologist, nor a scientist, nor a nothing of anything....so don't take my recommendations at the end of this article Super Serious or anything, okay?


What is the notion of Pumped
Dissecting Robert Hamburger's seminal piece on the matter....



In the year 2004, the book "REAL Ultimate Power" was written by pump-guru Robert Hamburger. This book on the surface appeared to many as being solely about "Ninjas" yet it doesn't take much of a deep look into the words printed here to realize that this book is about much more than just really cool Ninjas.

It is the seminal piece on the Art and Science of Getting Pumped.

I've never read a book like this before, it really cares about its readers. In fact on the first page it asks you, using a full page, if you are even ready to get pumped.

This book knows not only will it teach you what it means metaphorically and tangibly to get pumped...but it will also get you really really pumped.

I really respected that they asked me beforehand if I was ready to get pumped before reading because I could have been eating cereal or taking a dump or something while opening this book and would not have been primed to have gotten pumped, so right off the bat, you know the author really deeply cares about his readers....which is a rare sight to see in this current writing climate. This author genuinely cares about meeting his goal of teaching you about getting pumped and then getting you pumped.

It is in the depths of this tome where we are treated to a philosophical look at what it is to get pumped....it is the pump-up play based on Plato's allegory of the "hole." It is a dialogue between the characters Smarticus and Fagomonius, and it reads as follows....


"Smarticus: Bonjour, amigo!
Fagomonius: Yo, bonjour.

Smarticus:
Did you know humans live in a big hole?
Fagomonius: What![?]

Smarticus: Yup. Light gets in through the top and everybody in the hole is trapped.
Fagomonius: Wow! No Crap![?]

Smarticus: Vertas, my friend. Very Vertas. And these people think that getting pumped is just about going to a movie or playing basketball once in a while.
Fagomonius: Isn't it?

Smarticus: No way! These people are deceived by sit-coms. And they aren't allowed to turn their heads away from the TV, 'cause they'll get slapped in the mouth. But most importantly they aren't able to look out and see the ninjas standing above, trying to help them.
Fagomonius: Who are these ninjas?

Smarticus: I will tell you.
Fagomonius: O.K.

Smarticus: Ninjas are the human form of being pumped up. And they hold ropes for the regular people to climb out. Only when somebody escapes, they can understand REAL Ultimate Power.
Fagomonius: Has anyone made it out?

Smarticus: A few. But when they go back to teach the others, they are poo-pooed. Nobody listens and they are beaten.
Fagomonius: That's so immature.

Smarticus: Si."

(this excerpt is from: Hamburger, R., "REAL Ultimate Power," 2004 (pg. 50-51)

Ninjas are a symbolic concept in this piece, when Robert talks about Ninjas he is referring to the physical and mental emodiment of being Really Really Pumped Up. As his editor/babysitter John suggests in a footnote...Robert is standing above the "hole" and offering us ropes to climb out of our rut....climb to the top of the hole....lift ourselves out of it....and then finally get very pumped.

Yet, there is a scary side to getting pumped though, sometimes Robert speaks of "flipping out" and these flip outs sometime involve spitting on the carpet or even french kissing his dog. It seems in his moments of full fledged pumpery...he at times makes questionable decisions.

Which begs the question....


Can You be "Too Pumped Up?"
A statement from the Past rocks the world of the Future....

I recently unearthed statements made by a human I'm very familiar with, in which the concept of being "too pumped up" was brought to my ears for the very first time. It was in a documentary film narrated by one Donald Sutherland in which Don details 20 years of Montreal Expos memories which occurred from 1969 'til 1988.

Legend
Now, before we look at this man's comments I first want to set-up that he's not the jabroni that many in Montreal claim he is...in fact this man is a severely huge Legend. I'm, of course, talking about Steve Rogers (not Capt. America but the baseball pitcher).

Steve Rogers pitched for 13 years in an Expos uniform with a career earned run average of 3.17 in close to 3000 innings pitched, which for those who don't know is really really fucking good. He made it to the All Star game 5 times, including the 1982 All Star Game, where he was the starting pitcher on his home turf at Montreal's Olympic Stadium.

Rogers, in 1981, defeated Steve Carlton twice in a mini-ad-hoc playoff series (due to the strike shortened season), which got the Expos to the NLCS. Shit, he didn't get any run support in one game against Carlton so the guy singled in some RBIs his fucking self! Damn.

Still, despite a pretty hall-of-fame-esque career (unfortunately in 1991 he got 0% of the votes and fell of the ballot), this guy is viewed negatively in Montreal for one pitch he threw in a super-rare relief performance to Rick Monday circa October 1981.

He threw the "Blue Monday" pitch and that is the ONLY pitch from his amazing career that anyone remembers. He got zero hall of fame votes (not even one), his number 45 was never retired in Montreal despite being the greatest pitcher in their history, and whenever fans approach him to talk to him he KNOWS 100% what they are gonna ask him about....he knows they're gonna talk about Rick fucking Monday again.

In that Donald Sutherland documentary, Rogers states the reason he gave up the most heart breaking homer in Montreal baseball history is due to being...."Too Pumped Up."

"....[I] Came into the game, and I'm sure, it's the adrenaline pump that happens to all short-relievers, they have to learn how to control it and use it..............

.............I was too pumped up."

(-Stephen Douglas Rogers)

(Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6cLVyHxh3k&t=1h48m49s)

As a person who's studied the art and science of getting and staying pumped and who's basically centered my entire life around the getting of and staying PUMPED...this statements hit me like a ton of bricks. These words ripped the carpet from under my feet and left me feeling dazed and confused. Can a person be TOO pumped? It's unheard of and insane to even suggest such a thing...

....or is it?

I began quietly reflecting and really pondering inwardly about if a person can be "too pumped up" and I think he's right. Like say a dude is so pumped that he can't think straight or is so pumped that he makes bad decisions. It seems like something that happens everyday now that I really sit and down and think 'bout it.

Like, imagine a guy who's so pumped he walks out of his house feelin' like to reverse-german-suplex the first creature he sees. Now, if the person he saw that day was a pro-wrestler or a bear...then fine.....but what if the first creature Mr. Hypothetical Super-Pumped saw was a nice old lady or a cute kitty-cat? You can't just reverse-german-suplex an old lady or a cat....fuck man....Steve Rogers is very very correct in his views on being pumped.....

....you 100% can get too pumped. It's true.

It's a balance, I guess. You have to do all you can to get pumped but not too pumped. It's like threading a needle, sorta. Or not really.

You have to get pumped just enough to live life hardcore and git'r dun but you have to make sure not to get so pumped that you make bad choices or spit on the carpet. It's a gift...a gift you have to learn to control and use.



What are the Therapeutically applicable and Mental Health appropriations and the Uses of Gettin'/Stayin' Pumped and/or De-Pumped
Can shrinks use these concepts to be smarter and better at their "jobs"?

The field of psychology and psycho-analysis is a jabroni-laden field of assholes as everyone knows. You never should listen to a "shrink" ever. That dumb psycho-analysis shit has crept into the world in other areas too...like....no one can even listen to Howard Stern or that jabroni Robin anymore for more than 8 seconds because they break out the "shrink" shtick at every opportunity and that show has rendered itself un-listenable to. Howard's become more pretentious than fifty Ira Glasses smushed together and that's not something many people thought would ever happen.

Shrinks should only ask their clients one question...."Are you pumped?"

If they say "No" then you sit them down and get them pumped. You put on some music of their choice that's heavy and you tell them to feel it in their fucking bones and to get pumped.

If they answer "Yes" then maybe they are too pumped and that's why they came to a shrink. In that case the shrink should play some easy music, like lullaby music, and just say relaxing thoughts about like babbling brooks and gentle streams and things of that nature.

That's all. Psycho-analysis could be so easy if shrinks even knew the first thing about pumpology.




Conclusion

As much as it pains me to admit, yes, a human can reach a level of pumpitude which, as Mr. Rogers put it....is simply "too pumped up."

That being said, I still believe 7/10 humans on earth are living life not even close to ever even getting  to the pump-up cut-off point. Say, for instance, you could quantify pumpitude on a scale of integers from 0 to 100....I'd say most people on earth never even reach 60% of full pumpitude during any moment of their entire lifetime.

So, yes, over-pump does exist but it's only a problem for a very select few people who live life on an extremely pumped-up day-to-day existence where getting over-pumped would manifest itself as a problem. If you like getting pumped then just remember that over-pumped does indeed exist but you shouldn't lose too much sleep over this concept.


Yes I do, and thank you very much for asking.





(Extra Bonus Opinion:

On a somewhat unrelated note, and since we did cover the topic of spitting on carpets and I briefly touched on Howard n' Robins new-age psycho-babble....I feel it is on topic to comment on the current feud between Gilbert Gottfied and Howard Stern...

For those of you who remain unaware, Gilbert horked loogies all over Howard's set and carpet and got permanently banned from the show forever and ever.

First off, I do not agree with or condone the spitting on carpets by any individual...it is yucky and it is gross and Gilbert should not have done this to Howard's carpet.

Yet, I think just like when Robert Hamburger or his dog Francine spit or piss on the carpet...Gilbert's spit incident was due to being overly pumped. Why? Because I think he was pumped to come in and laugh at the news and a do a cute little bit like usual and wasn't expecting Howard and Robin to be in full psycho-analysis mode and I don't think he was ready or set up to be hit by 50 Ira Glasses smushed together. I think Gilbert got angry and thus became over-pumped....and I believe that's why he spit on Howard's carpet.

So, yeah.)

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross-Overs

A lot of people use "stupid" as a pejorative insult and in many cases it is....but in the field of Entertainment, "stupid", isn't a bad thing at all and in many cases is a compliment.

Would things like Strange Brew, Beavis and Butthead, or something like that be enjoyable if it wasn't about the antics of stupid people? Would I sit and watch an episode of Beavis and Butthead if it was about two brain surgeons discussing brain surgery techniques? Of course not, I watch that to see two insipidly stupid dudes fucking up and hurting themselves. Stupid rules.

One of the most stupid forms of entertainment over the years has without a doubt been Fake Wrestling, again this isn't an insult, Fake Wrestling is the good kind of stupid. I mean where else can you see as much drama-laden, over the top, stupidity as you do on Fake Wrestling? Very few places offer the same amount and same kind of stupidness that is offered to you in gallons with Fake Wrestling.

????
How stupid is this shit? I've seen a guy light a fire cracker no where near his opponent...yet something about the flash caused his opponent to be bedazzled and swoon. I've seen shit on this shit that's so dumb that I often just stop and wonder what the fuck I'm looking at. Basically, what I'm sayin' is, Fake Wrestling is so stupid that's it's veritably surreal.

I'd describe Fake Wrestling as Stupid Performance Art as opposed to any other way to describe it and, again, that's not an insult....there's times where the art is so stupid that it's very very cool and very fun to observe.

Often at times, people from the Real World will cross-over into this Land of Stupidity...we all remember Mr. T (star of TV's The A-Team) showing up at Wrestle Mania One, we remember the great Liberace popping into this world as a "Celebrity Time Keeper",  many recall Mike Tyson teaming up with DX a few years ago to fuck someone up, or when Beetlejuice showed up to get smashed with a guitar, and recently the legendary Pee Wee Herman stopped by to hang out in this strange land.

But...Mr .T, Liberace, Mike Tyson, Beet, and Pee Wee are people you'd expect to pop into the World of Fake Wrestling to perform some Stupid Performance Art from time to time....these are guys who genuinely fit into that world and don't seem out of place at all whilst immersed into it.

As the title of this article suggests, there's been times where a breed of human known as Talk Show Hosts have ventured into this land to engage in SPA (stupid performance art) as well.

We shall be looking into five instances where the Realm of Talk Shows and the Realm of Fake Wrestling intersected and ran congruently for a set interval of time.

Entries shall be ranked on a scale of 10 (ten being Super Stupid and zero being Retarded).

Jon Stewart (intersecting with) Seth Rollins

Recently a feud was birthed out of the fiery taunts directed by one Seth Rollins towards one Jon Stewart. Rollins would taunt Stewart from his camp on WWE's Monday Night Raw whilst Stewart would retort said taunts from at his home base at the The Daily Show.

It didn't take long for his war of words from their base-camps to escalate into an all-out face-to-face beef between the two as a few days after the initial taunts Rollins totally showed up on the Daily Show to put Stewart in a head-lock.

It seems the beef reached its boiling point yesterday,

 
Shots were fired off left and right yet as you could plainly see when the time came for fisticuffs to erupt...Stewart kicked that dude in the dick and skadadledaddled himself to safety.

Now, people might see that as cowardice, but look, I've read Sun Tzu's Art of War and am versed in all 36 divine stratagaems of combat. Do you know out of all of the 36 divine stratagaems of combat which one Sun Tzu himself referred to as the most divine of the divine tactics? Skedaddlin' that's which one.

If shit is getting hot, man, just poke a dude in a eyes, or kick a dude's nuts, and Skee-Fucking-Daddle....that's honestly the best advice anyone can ever give someone. If you're ever in doubt about the outcome of a fight, do like Stewart, and SKEE DEEEDLY DADDLE out of the mother fucker post-haste.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 7/10
Drama Stupidity: 9/10
Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10

OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10



Jerry Lawler + Andy Kaufman (intersecting with) David Letterman

Memphis Wrestling was some real old school shit that existed before Fake Wrestling was monopolized and if you watch all these Memphis Fake Wrestlings on the youtube you'll probably be pretty entertained by this stupid shit. The premise of the show was mainly "stables" of wrestlets led by a manager versus other "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager. Jimmy Hart rose to prominence in Memphis Wrestling as the head of a stable as did many other managers. You don't really see managers too much anymore but they were good because unlike most of the talent....these manager characters could act.

Memphis used to get famous people to stop by and chill, for example here's that Batman Adam West showing up (for no reason):


I don't really know what's going on here. Either Adam is jet-lagged, drunk, or really not happy to be there and is really trying to act odd to make them regret flying him out there. I love shit like this. Adam West, in my opinion, is THE ONLY BATMAN, no other people who played Batman can even come close to what West did with the Batman character.

Another guy Memphis got to stop by and chill was Andy Kaufman....but Kaufman was a little more enthusiastic about being there than West was. Kaufman made a whole shtick out of his appearances on this show and really pulled out all the stops to create some legendary Stupid Performance Art. He developed a feud with Jerry Lawler (Lawler is seen in the clip above speaking with Batman).

The feud between Kaufman and Lawler hit its fever pitch (as many know thanks to the Kaufman hollywood bio-pic) on the set of David Letterman's Late Night program:


The King slapped that mother fucker right in his fucking face. Back in the day most of the people watching this wondered if this was a shtick or not....both guys are good actors and played the SPA really well...no matter what venue they showed up in these guys sold their shit, man.

This was done so well it is barely even stupid...it's like a level of believability that almost makes you forget they were doin' a Fake Wrestling. The actual wrestling matches on Memphis between Lawler and Kaufman were pretty stupid though...mainly involving a whole buncha skedaddlin', turtling, wigglin', and all-around silliness.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 9/10
Drama Stupidity: 10/10
Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 9/10


Hulk Hogan n' Mr. T (intersecting with Richard Belzer)

Poor, poor, Richard Belzer. The Belz had the Hulkster and My Favorite Person Ever Mr. T on his program for them to promote Wrassle Mania One and all kinds of hijynx broke loose....

Basically, Belzer asked Hogan to practice some holds on him and Hogan proceeded to choke out Belzer and when the Belz hit the floor after passing out...he cracked his coconut open, observe...



Hold the phone though, THIS WAS NOT A SHTICK, Belzer cracked his head open and then successfully sued Hogan for a coupla million bux. Fuck, yo.

I don't know how to rate this one since it wasn't a shtick at all and that poor man got his skull split open...so, I'm just gonna give it a run of threes and move on.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 3/10
Drama Stupidity: 3/10
Miscellenous Stupidity: 3/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 3/10


Rowdy Roddy Piper (intersecting with) Morton Downey Jr.

This bit featured the in-ring talk show Rowdy Roddy used to host during live Fake Wrestlings. I don't really know why they do these bits, it's like, they want to take a break from the fake wrestling to set up new feuds...I guess that's the reason for the in-ring talk shows.

Piper invited a man with his face painted red known as Brother Love and the late great Mort Downey Junior to join him at Wrestle Mania V for a nice a little chat. I guess you'd call this an insult competition or something. I used to do these at school but we called them "Shafting Competitions" back when the word "shafting" was briefly popular in the early 90s.

Piper proceeds to verbally abuse Brother Love until he skeddadles out of the ring and home to his mommy...and then Piper turns his verbal fury unto Downey.....yet is shocked when his verbal abuse is ineffective against him.

Fuck man, Morton Downey Jr. is unverbally-abusable...he eats insults for breakfast and shafts for lunch. Verbal abuse is like bread n' butter to Morton Downey, he loves that shit. This fucking guy has the nerve to breathe smoke directly into Piper's fucking face, holy shit, right in his fucking face! Even after Piper politely asked Downey to stop blowing smoke into his face the guy just keeps on blowing smoke RIGHT IN his FUCKING FACE. Can you believe it?

Right in the guy's fuckin' face.....
Here watch it here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1vzwla_wwf-wrestlemania-v-piper-s-pit-with-morton-downey-jr_sport

As you can see in the link, Piper gets the last laugh (well it was his in-ring talk show after all, they were on his turf), as he unloads the contents of a fire extinguisher directly into the face of Morton Downey Jr, Wow.

This bit would have been better without that fucking tomato faced jackass "Brother Love" in the pit....that asshole can't act for shit. Piper and Downey did some good SPA here though, they did some good shit with this pit bit.

General Silliness: 9/10
Drama Stupidity: 6/10
Miscellenous Stupidity: 10/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10


Hogan et al. (intersectin' with) Jay Leno

I didn't really get this one at all. Unlike the trash talking fun ones like with Downey n' Kaufman n' others...Leno played a super baby-face character that kind of came off as like....I dunno how to describe it...he looked like a kid from those "make a wish foundation" type charities who got his wish to be a wrestler with Hulk Hogan. It just looked weird...like a big child is what he looked like.

Video here: http://www.wwe.com/videos/jay-leno-diamond-dallas-page-vs-hulk-hogan-eric-bischoff-road-wild-1998-26009542

He plays it like he's one of the gang, like some little kid who the wrestlers let throw them around because it's the child's make-a-wish wish. It's just strange looking...but it's not really stupid though.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to use the word "stupid" in this situation because I think Jay Leno really is slightly mentally handicapped in real life and therefore you're not allowed to say that in that situation.

You see, the rules with calling someone stupid or 'tarded is this...you can call anyone you want stupid or retarded from a president to a pauper as long as they are NOT legitimately mentally handicapped. In the case where someone is genuinely certifiably mentally disabled then you cannot refer to them as being stupid or as a retard...you have to give the mentally challenged people a lot of leeway and be positive when you talk about them.

I honestly believe that Jay Leno is borderline mentally handicapped...I mean from his "comedy" to his odd looking pudgy face. When you watch him in this fake wrestling you really see a child who's living his wrestling dreams and he looks like a big fat mentally disabled child.

So in that case, since I'm not allowed to call him stupid due to leeway reasons I have to shoot zeroes down the line on this bit. I don't want to call a borderline mentally disabled man "stupid" because it's not correct in this day and age. Therefore, Jay gets a very "special" rating of all zeroes.

General Silliness: 0/10
Drama Stupidity: 0/10
Miscellenous Stupidity: 0/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 0/10


Assessment

From most stupid to least stupid. Some entries are being omitted in the final tally...Belzer gets removed because it was not a mutually agreed upon shtick and therefore wasn't exactly Stupid Performance Art and Jay Leno gets removed from the assessment because his was more of a "very special boy" living his wrestling dreams and wasn't really SPA either:

WINNER: Kaufman/Lawler on Letterman

Runners-Up: Jon Stewart/Seth Rollins and Morton Downey Jr./Rowdy Roddy Piper


 
Kaufman and Lawler on Letterman wins...that shtick is pretty tight. They sold it to the point where the average viewer who wasn't familiar with Memphis Wrestling probably had no idea it was a shtick and was like "holy shit" while watching that bit. Those two assholes can sell bits and Letterman acted as a good mediator that kept the shit brewin' up good.

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Deceased Celebrities that I Miss The Most

All over the world, on the average of every 41 seconds, a celebrity leaves their mortal coil and ceases to be member of the global human community. It's a sad story, it really is. It really really is.

Death sucks. Everyone hates Death because it is universally-all-encompassingly unfair, retarded, and stupid. Dying is probably one of the top, if not the topper-most item, on a list of the worst things that can happen to a human being.

It doubly sucks when a celebrity dies because celebs are famous for the reason that they are very cool and people really like them. Like, on the other hand, when a person dies who people hate like a Gaddafi or something, nobody fucking cares because he was a fucking asshole...but when a big Celebrity Star passes on...everyone is very upset because everyone loved that shining star.

I can't even imagine what dying feels like but I bet you anything it sucks shit. It's like one moment you're all alive and bouncing around, doin' the do, slam dunkin', break-dancin', and having a blast....then the next minute...you're dead. That's some bullshit right there. That's some dumb shit is what that is. Fuck Death, yo.

I have compiled a brief list of the Deceased Celebrities that I Miss the Most and will now present it to any parties (if any) who are interested to know this.

The Most-Missed Deceased Stars of Yesteryear


Evel Knievel

Born: October 17, 1938 in Butte, Montana
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: November 30, 2007

How'd He Get Famous? 

At the age of eight years old, Evel, attended a automotive dare-devil show presented by Joie Chitwood and he was mesmerized by the death-defying stunts he witnessed and vowed to live a life chalk-full of insane and ridiculous craziness so that everyone who ever looked at him felt the same way he felt whilst he observed Joie Chitwood as a child. 

He made it his life's work to do crazy shit with motorcycles in order to make all the people wig out and flip for no other reason than the fact that he knew in his heart that this was the correct way to live his life.

 Yo, one time Evel jumped 19 cars on his motorcycle...


"I am the Last Gladiator here in the New Rome
I go into the Arena and Compete Against Destruction
...and I WIN.

And next week I go out there and I DO IT AGAIN!

....and at this time, civilization being what it is and all,
we have very little choice about our life,
the only thing really left is a choice about our DEATH.

And mine will be....

....Glorious"

Why did he do that shit? Why did he do shit like jump over all manners of pitfalls and obstacles? Why did this man risk his life for the thrill of death? Why did he live life so full of crazy death-defying madness? Why did he not fear death? Because he lived his life like a man who didn't give a damn, like a man who did not give a fuck, like a dude who would jump over a canyon at top speed of what probably felt like a zillion miles per hour.

Why did he do that crazy-ass shit for the 69 years he was on this earth for? 

Because he wanted to.

Why did he want to? Because he felt like it. That's why.



The Macho Man Randy Savage / The Macho King Randy Savage

Born: November 15, 1952 in Columbus, Ohio
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: May 20, 2011

How'd He Get Famous? 

Randy Savage was drafted by the St-Louis Cardinals baseball club as a youth and Randy had big dreams of being a baseball legend yet despite hitting pretty well in the minors the Macho Man never made the majors and hung up his cleats for good.

Luckily his family was in the rassling game, his father Angelo Poffo was a champion of a rasslin circuit in his youth and taught the tricks of the trade to his sons Lanny and Randy....and the rest is history.

Randy Savage had the deepest craziest voice and his trademark "ooooh yeah" and "can you dig it" was mimicked by any man/woman/child who heard it. 

Randy has the distinction of creating the most romantic event in sports history when he became the first man to marry his wife in a wrestling ring during the "match made in heaven". It occurred in 1991 and I still get tears in my eyes when watching old footage of the exquisite ceremony (narrated by Gorrilla Monsoon)...



He lived his whole life before the Nation's Eyes

This wasn't a shtick, they really got married at Summer Slam '91. The whole wide world was invited to Macho Man's / Macho King's wedding. Everyone felt like they knew him and when you know someone you always get sad when they die.
 
Randy is also famous for composing what is now regarded as the GREATEST rap album of all time,


"Oh No! Ya better watch yourself cuz I'm bad for your health
And I'm about ready to blow
Uhhh Oohh!! Now There's Gonna Be Trouble!
Oh No! Ya better watch yourself cuz I'm bad for your health
Ya feelin' the wrath of Macho
Uhhh Oohh! Now There's Gonna Be Trouble"


If I was a doctor or psychologist or a therapist or something like that and I had a patient come in complaining of fatigue, lethargy, depression, or general lameness...I'd recommend 100 cubic centimetres of this album STAT.

This album could pump up anyone, it doesn't matter who you are or what you are...this album'll make you feel wicked. Not just young hip cats but fucking old folks too.

I went to an old folks home this one time and I was very shocked to see all the oldoes just sitting in the dark and thinking about stuff and being boring. People think old people in these homes are on their last legs and the blood doesn't pump anymore in their veins but you're wrong. In the frail chassis of each elderly person beats the heart of a person who wants to flip out and do flips and do the funky chicken and get fucking crazy. These old motherfuckers just want to hot-diggity-damn set it off but they just can't find the spark that'll spark up their asses and make them lose their shit anymore. They wanna be young again, they wanna turn it up and turn it out to some Myron "Mother Fuckin" Floren like in the olden days. You think these oldoes were always old? No way, they used to fucking flip just like you do but now their brains and their hearts just lack the spark to make 'em kick out the jams and lose it, that's all....but it's still there somewhere....deep down in the bowels of their souls the need to get buck is still there.

Volunteers at old folks homes should do a test and play Macho Man's rap album and see what effect it has on their old brains. I bet you 80% of the time, even if they don't understand it at first, these old fuckers will get up and get down and smash some shit up. These old sons-of-bitches and old hoes'll fucking start launching their rockin' chairs around the crib and just plain power-slamming their pillows onto their beds and just getting fucked up and wild. All of those Oldoes n' Grannies will be back-flippin'.

Man, I think that movie the Wrestler with Mickey Rourke really sums up why Macho Man / Macho King is a serious and badass man. I love that scene in the Wrestler where like he's done wrestling and Mickey's working at the grocery store and he's like filling cups of potato salad and macaroni salad for these player-hating middle-of-the-road homogenized-pablum-pukin' yentas...and something just washes over him...and Mickey Rourke just stops cutting the meat he's slicing for this jabroni and he just SLAMS his fucking hand into the meat slicer and he starts like fucking SHOOTING FUCKING BLOOD all over the fucking place and people are all like "WHAT DA FUCK, GUY!?" and the middle-of-the-roadin' playa hatin' bozos are flippin' their wigs and going bananas looking at this guy shooting fucking blood all over the fucking grocery store.

That was cool.

If you really break it all down, aren't we all just walking this earth as mere Ultimate Maniacs, and ultimately in the end, all we really have is our precious Ultimate Maniacism...ya-know-what-I-mean?




It gets to a point where it really just doesn't matter.....





Ernest P. Worrell

Born: June 15, 1949 in Lexington Kentucky
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: February 10, 2000

How'd He Get Famous?

Ernest was a hero to an entire generation of people on earth, a veritable champion who represented all in which was great and good in the world. Many have gone as far to call him a modern-day Jesus Christ or a modern day Mohammad. A man with no evil in his heart nor ill-will in his conscious...a true hero and role model to all the humans of earth.

The world would be a better place if we were all a little more Ernest.

Yet in 2000, our champion was taken from us. Our go-to guy, the one each and every one of us looked to for advice, hope, and wisdom was stripped from our society's desperate clutches and removed from our world. After the initial shock passed, many openly wondered what a post-Ernest Society would be like. Could a post-Ernest society function? What would the future be like in an un-brave new world without Ernest?

Society still mourns for this Ernestless World, nay, the organism of earth itself, the actual planet itself feels that a component has gone missing from its minor core, nay-nay, the entire Universe knows a piece of the puzzle which governs the entropic-ever-regenerative life-cycle of Universe is missing in this Non-Ernest Universe Scenario.

Can society, the planet, and entropic-ever-regenerative Scenario Universe cope sans Ernest? 

I fucking doubt it.



Mr. Dynamite, The Human Godfather of Soul....Mister....James Brown

Born: May 3, 1933 in Barnwell, South Carolina
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: December 25th, 2006

(talk about Death being unfair...imagine dying on Christmas? That'd suck shit)


How'd He Get Famous? 

James Brown blew the roof off of shit houses, barn houses, church houses, farm houses, log houses, stone houses, and BRICK houses...all night long...all day long. Wham Bam, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, thank you 'mam.

James Brown rocked 'til he got too HOT, he rolled 'til he got too COLD, and souled all the way home...then he brought it to the BRIDGE...yeah...take it to the BRIDGE...then rocked 'til he got too HOT, rolled 'til he got too COLD..... (Times Infinity).

 Hey let me tell ya!!
Get down with my woman, that ain't right! You hollarin' and cussin', you wanna fight!!
Don't do me no darn favor, 
I don't know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!!! (yes he do!!)
Get ready THAT'S A FACT, Get ready you Mother for the big payback (the big payback!) 

Ka-Razy is a skill, man, that you have to hone and really work at to master. This man was Ka-Razy, he was the King of Ka-Razy, he was the longest-legged, the mackest, and the daddiest of the most soul-intensified variation of Ka-Razy that ever walked on the face of this EARTH. 

If you made a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich but instead of using butter n' jelly you used SOUL-INTENSIFIED FUNK on one side of the bread and FUNK-INTENSIFIED SOUL on the reciprocating piece of bread...you'd have yourself a James Brown sandwich!

Holy shit you guys, I've been saying the word FLIP and FLIP OUT a lot lately, and I'm pretty sure I stole that from Robert Hamburger...but in this case, when talkin' 'bout James Brown he used to LITERALLY make people FLIP OUT and do actual fucking BACK FLIPS because his SOUL INTENSITY boiled over. I watched this movie Blues Brothers once and the aforementioned Blues Bros went to church but inside the church wasn't some dude reading bible stuff...it was JAMES BROWN on the podium slammin' out some kicks and kickin' out some slams! And you know what? One of the Blues Brothers started to ACTUALLY and not exaggeratingly FLIP....check this shit out:

At around 1:50 he starts to actually FLIP OUT (sorry it's the German dubbed version)

Wow, talk about flippin out. Talk about thoroughly flippin' out. Did you guys see James Brown's funeral on TV? Talk about flippin'....it wasn't like a depressing lame funeral where like family n' friends look at a casket with a dead embalmed body whilst some bozo who've they've never met says some nice things about the "dearly departed"...no way, Jose....James Brown's funeral was like some kind of Block Party on Steroids where like thousands of people came to dance and FLIP OUT and go NUTS and get HOT n' get COLD n' take it to the BRIDGE, this that and everything, and then they did it all again. Did you see that shit? That was the buckest and wildest funeral that anyone ever did.

Can you imagine, like you're sooooo fucking cool, that when you die...nobody is sad...but they all meet up and FLIP OUT to celebrate how fucking cool you were? They held his funeral at an Arena that was named after him, an arena that has an over 9000+ capacity. 

Man, imagine bein' so cool that your damn funeral is held in a sold out arena named after you? That's Ka-Razy.


Conclusion
  
Ya gotta live hard, you gotta live Ka-Razy, you gotta do the do, you gotta FLIP OUT, you gotta get in the the proverbial hot-tub, you gotta sweat, ha, you gotta jump over like 19 fucking cars and rap, you gotta do BACK FLIPS, you gotta get decked out in red n' white n' blue and jump the grand fucking canyon! 

What are you waitin' for? Get in the hot tub....get hot...start to mutate because it's so hot...let all the bacteria formin' and evolving around you in the tropical atoll of a hot-tub you are in do their thang...as you lie there getting hotter and hotter and then you yourself start to sweat n' evolve into a some kind of an Evel "Macho King" "Godfather of Soul" Knievel of Divine Ernestial proportions !!

Yeah.



End Note: (I wanted to put Elvis and Liberace up in here too, maybe some Dolemite, but a lot of the jokes would overlap....like I was gonna say like....

"Damn, you pablum pukin' middle-of-the-road clown...I bet you live your life eatin' bird food n' gluten free rice cakes and silly things like that! What kind of a punk is you? That fucking Elvis used to hollow out WHOLE LOAVES OF BREAD and slap a whole jar of peanut butter and a whole jar of jelly in there....and then that sunnavabitch would fill all the loaves of bread with POUNDS of bacon to flesh 'em out and then eat those sangwiches ALL DAY LAONG! That's a guy who knew how to fucking live! Holy SHIT! That's a dude who knew how to live..."

But I already did a peanut butter n' jelly paragraph in the James Brown section so it seemed redundant to have another butter n' jelly thing so I didn't do an Elvis section (which I feel shame for to leave Elvis out.))


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Retun of the King? The Building's Gonna be Lit. That Building's Gonna Be LIT !

Montreal Baseball Project president Warren Cromartie released a report today that on April 1st of 2015 none other than The Last Dragon of the Expos himself, Mr. Vladimir Guerrero, will be in Montreal for the first time in 12 years.

It is symbolically and literally...The Return of the King.

He's going to honored along with Timmy "Rock" Raines, Andres "Big Cat" Galarraga, Rusty "Le Grand Orange" Staub, Jacques Doucet, and Hall of Famer Andre "Hawk" Dawson at Montreal Baseball Project's gala on April 1st.

Now as everyone knows Montreal is hosting two exhibition games between the Jays and Reds at the Big O on the 3rd and 4th of April...that is two days after the date Vlad is confirmed to be in Montreal for the first time in 12 years.


The people at Evenko have to get him on the field, even if it is but for a moment, for at least one of the two exhibition games. You don't even understand how nuts people will go if Vlad steps on the field of Olympic Stadium once more...the fans, who've already bought 60K tickets for these games, and many are predicting a FULL HOUSE for BOTH GAMES...these fans will go absolutely MENTAL if Vlad shows up at either or both of these games. They will collectively FLIP OUT as a whole!

I guarantee if Vlad even steps onto the turf of Olympic Stadium for even ONE SECOND....fifty thousand people will totally FLIP OUT...and FLIP OUT HARD! Who me? I'll go nuts, man. Totally absolutely nuts, man. For real.

Vladimir, in Warren Cromartie's words is:

"When people think of the greatest All Stars in Expos history, the name of Vladimir Guerrero is always mentioned. His incredible talent made him one of the most feared hitters in all of baseball and one of the most exciting players to ever wear an Expos uniform" -(Cro)

Straight up.

Vladimir was one, if not the, most electrifying Expo to ever step up the plate to be friggin' great. People used to start standing and clapping and flippin' out just from him walking to the plate before he even did anything because they knew he was gonna smack the ball like a crazy man. He didn't even have a strike zone...he would hit any pitch, any where, any time, any how! He was a Wild Man, a complete and utter Wild Man.



People used to get PUMPED for Vlad, holy crap did they used to get pumped, they used to flip, completely FLIP. I'm telling you, 110%, if this guy even walks onto the field for the briefest of moments, the crowd will get Hella Pumped. He hasn't been in Montreal in over a decade and people wanna get pumped again, they feel it in their hearts and they feel it in their bones. They wanna GET pumped, they wanna BE pumped. Hey, people in Montreal? They were BORNED PUMPED. One Thousand Percent.

They gotta get him on the field on either April 3rd or on April 4th...they just got to. They have to. All the people who already have a massive case of Baseball Fever will thoroughly go absolutely WILD and CRAZY.


Conclusion

If they even get Vlad on the field for 0.00001 seconds...the Crowd'll FLIP OUT.

I'm not lying. They'll FLIP OUT. Seriously, They will literally FLIP OUT!


Ya.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

On a Difficult Topic: A look through the Eyes of All Parties Involved

A recent case in Canada has made worldwide headlines in which two native/aboriginal children have been removed from chemo therapy by their parents and put on some extremely silly alternative treatments in its stead.

It is a huge topic of debate because the doctors have given the first child a 75% success rate for survival and the second child a 90+% success rate for survival. Many are imploring the parents to stop withholding medical treatment from the children...yet many difficult factors have come into play and it has become a very tragic event.

The first child has now died as of January 19th (RIP) and this situation has become difficult for all parties involved. I have been reading every press release related to this since the story broke and would like to present my opinions.

I know this is a very difficult situation for all parties that were/are involved and this article will be presented in an attempted non-biased format that will hopefully give the reader all pertinent information about the matter yet without putting my opinions merged into/over it.

I will, before we start, state the following personal biases I know I have, for I know they will manifest into the article for I feel these "biases" are not so much biases as just plain accepted truths.

1. I do NOT have respect for homeopaths, naturopaths, or any such person and feel their "alternative medicine" is simply a ridiculous scam and blight on civilization.

2. I do NOT feel that a story book character from an old story book can "heal" a human being of a life threatening illness. Whether it is Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Otis the Drunk, Fog Horn Leg Horn, Abraham, Moses, Allah, or any other character. It is NOT POSSIBLE for a story book character to put cancer into remission.

Those are the two opinions of mine that I doubt will be concealed whilst writing the following article yet I do not classify those as "biases" yet as accepted truths...and thus do not mind if they find their way in.


Format of Article

I once read a book in high school assigned to me by one Mr. Lawrence entitled "The Pigman" By Paul Zindel in which a riddle is presented to the reader which attempts to assign guilt to a specific party mentioned in the riddle...this riddle is referred to as "The Husband, Wife, Lover, Boatman, Assasin" riddle. The following is the text involved from said book...

"I'm going to tell you a murder story, and your job is just to listen. 

There is a river with a bridge over it, and a WIFE and her HUSBAND live in a house on one side. The WIFE has a LOVER who lives on the other side of the river, and the only way to get from one side of the river to the other is to walk across the bridge or to ask the BOATMAN to take you.

One day the HUSBAND tells his WIFE that he has to be gone all night to handle some business in a faraway town. The WIFE pleads with him to take her with him because she knows if she doesn't, she will be unfaithful to him. The HUSBAND absolutely refuses to take her because she will only be in the way of his important business.

So the HUSBAND goes alone. When he is gone, the WIFE goes over to the bridge and stays with her LOVER. The night passes, and dawn is almost up when the WIFE leaves because she must get back to her own home before her HUSBAND returns. She starts to cross the bridge but sees an ASSASSIN waiting for her on the other side, and she knows if she tries to cross, he will murder her. In terror, she runs up the side of the river and asks the BOATMAN to take her across the river, but he wants fifty cents. She has no money, so he refuses to take her.

The WIFE runs back to the LOVER's house and explains to him what the predicament is and asks him for fifty cents to pay the BOATMAN. The LOVER refuses, telling her it's her own fault for getting into the situation. As dawn comes up, the WIFE is nearly out of her mind and dashes across the bridge. When she comes face to face with the ASSASSIN, he takes a large knife and stabs her until she is dead.

Now, on a piece of paper (or in your head), list the names of the characters in the order in which you think they were most responsible for the WIFE's death. Just list WIFE, HUSBAND, LOVER, BOATMAN, and ASSASSIN in the order you think they are the most guilty." - (from "The Pigman")

Now, like stated, you put in order from most responsible for the WIFE's death to the least responsible...and every human involved may have them in a different order for we all see the world differently. Many put the ASSASSIN first yet he was simply doing his job, it was the HUSBAND who paid him to do that. Either way, all the circumstances that lead to her death were influenced by every party involved (including the WIFE herself).

Why am I going to write the article in this format? Because all the parties involved with the case of the two aboriginal girls who have been taken off chemo are responsible for leading to the death of the first girl and likely the death of the second girl in varying degrees. This format is strange yet I think it will provide an understanding of the intentions of all parties involved and hopefully help understand a very tragic situation as it currently unfolds.


Basic Info

Before we look through the eyes of all parties involved we shall state some basic information about the situation...precise names will not be used to keep this article from becoming too personal for any party involved.

So, two young girls who are members of the Canadian First Nations (group of tribes who have land rights and other agreements with the "Crown" of Canada) have been diagnosed with leukemia and the parents of both children have taken the children off of treatment in favor of "natural" treatment from a massage spa in Florida. The hospital brought the case to the courts to attempt to force the girls to resume treatment yet the case was dismissed. Those are the basics.

The parties involved are the following:

THE PARENTS

THE DOCTORS

THE COURTS

THE FLORIDA "DOCTOR" (note -doctor- used with HEAVY quotation marks)



Views From All Parties Involved - Assembled from a Sum of Information made Available to the Public


THE PARENTS

The parents of the first child took their child off of treatment after the child claimed to have been visited in a dream by a "Jesus" and told by this "Jesus" that she no longer had cancer and was "healed."

They withdrew the child from chemo therapy and brought her to the Florida massage spa which the mother was convinced would provide better care for the child than the licensed oncologists could provide her.

Once THE DOCTORS asked THE COURTS to force the child back into treatment the parents took the child on a viral internet circus complete with youtube videos of the child speaking all the way down to a benefit rock concert from a christian rock group.

The story blew up on many Canadian and global news outlets and the girl was viewed by many people as a hero for her decision. Many members of the community stated that if the COURTS came to take the child then they would be met by resistance from the community.

It should now be noted that the distrust of the First Nations for the Canadian "Crown" is not without reason. Natives were subjected to an atrocious assimilation program in the 19th and 20th century which saw all Native children assembled in "Residential Schools" where they were taught "Christianity" and other "wonderful" things. Government documents recently uncovered by the freedom to information act show the government in many cases used the children as guinea pigs to test all sorts of silly experiments... including how a child would develop without being fed properly and other pointless and atrocious "experiments."

Now, with that in mind, it is not hard to understand why the Natives have distrust for the "Crown" because in the past it acted very belligerently to First Nations children. That is something we have to take note while looking at THE PARENTS point of view. The First Nations community is angered from the 2014 reports of the abuses from Residential Schools and doesn't want their children removed by THE COURTS due to distrust.

It should be strongly noted that the ideas of THE PARENTS, however, that a "Jesus" or a massage can put their child's cancer into remission is not a popular stance and many many people are truly incensed by their decision to attempt to "heal" their child in this manner.


THE DOCTORS

The trained and licensed cancer specialists know the children have/had great odds of surviving and living long lives. In the case of the first child they estimated 75% chance of living a long life and in the case of the second child they estimated the rate at 90% or more.

These are trained people who act on reason and understood very well that these were great odds with the chemo treatment and attempted the best they could to get the children to resume treatment. Once it was clear to them that THE PARENTS would not they asked THE COURTS to order THE PARENTS to make their children resume treatment.

Many are saying the DOCTORS did not do enough to convince the parents and make them trust them yet they can only go so far...they thus put it in the domain of the courts.


THE COURTS

Amid protests outside the courtroom with signs heralding and championing "Native Rights" and with the understanding that the community would resist any attempt at removing the child from THE PARENTS custody...ultimately the judge had little room to do anything and in the end did not pursue either case.

Many are saying THE COURTS should have taken the children and charged the parents with negligence yet with the threat of meeting resistance at removing the children it was a difficult case which boiled down to a lose-lose situation no matter how the judge ruled. To give the children a fighting chance by forcing them back into treatment there may have been many protests, road blockades, and other forms of public disobedience by the First Nations. THE COURTS, all in all, had very little choice in ruling in favor of THE PARENTS.

First Nations media and others are heralding the decision as a "precedent" and "landmark occasion" for "Native Rights" in Canada...the decision is seen as a very positive thing by the First Nations communities despite the fact both children will surely die due to the decision.


THE "DOCTOR" IN FLORIDA

The "doctor" with the Vegeta hair-cut down in Florida, who looks like the most unprofessional "doctor" anyone has ever laid eyes on became/has-become the primary care giver to these two children despite on their website that they state plain-as-day that they are not a primary care giver and only to be used as "auxiliary" or "additional" methods of cancer treatment.

Their website states they give additional treatment to the cancer patient by teaching them how to eat right, give them nice massages, a foot bath, and a "chi realigning" (whatever the fuck that is). The website clearly states in every possible form that it is not offering treatments to put cancer into remission but to sort of help a cancer patient feel better while they have cancer.

They offer this for the low low price of tens of thousands of dollars. THE PARENTS of both children have spent 18K each on these services.

The PARENTS still claim the THE "DOCTOR" IN FLORIDA has "healed" their children along with a "Jesus" yet many many people have incredible amounts of difficulty accepting this is even remotely possible.

This "DOCTOR" has been known to fly into, let's call them, "remote" areas which are far from metropolis cities to give talks about his massage spa and many of the clients who pay the tens of thousands of dollars for these services are from these very remote regions. This "DOCTOR" flies to these regions on purpose to reel in clients because he knows there's much money to be made off people in these "remote" areas.

This "DOCTOR" is receiving criticism for becoming the primary health provider to these children even though he is not licensed in any form of medicine and literally operates a fucking massage spa masquerading as a cancer treatment center.


What Order Do You Place The Blame?

Similar to the WIFE/HUSBAND/LOVER/BOATMAN/ASSASSIN cognitive exercise from above, please take the PARENTS / DOCTORS / COURTS / "DOCTOR" variables in this real life scenario and assign your personal opinion of blame in a descending order.

Are THE PARENTS to blame for the death/impending-death of the children due to their extremely negligent views on modern medicine and extremely superstitious beliefs?

Are THE DOCTORS to blame for not winning First Nations patients trust? Are they to blame for not pursuing the court case further?

Are THE COURTS to blame for ruling in favor of the PARENTS over THE DOCTORS? Did they even really have room to work with in this case to begin with as threats of protests and such-like consequences were openly stated by the First Nations community?

or is THE "DOCTOR" IN FLORIDA to accept most of the blame for flying himself into remote regions with negative views of modern medicine, such as First Nation communities, to peddle his unbelievably bizarre massage treatments for cancer?

Are ALL to blame? Are NONE to blame? Are some to blame more than others? It's your choice what order you put the parties in...I'm just trying to present the situation from the viewpoint of all parties involved.


Conclusion

I believe ALL PARTIES are to blame in varying degrees for this tragic outcome to what appeared to be a situation which may very well have been avoided.

I do not believe anyone should be charged for it would just make a terrible situation worse but hopefully an understanding can come and lessons can be learned.

One of the two children is still alive and can still be put back on treatment, hopefully it is not too late, and hopefully THE PARENTS of the second child understand that 90% is great odds at survival and resume treatment.