Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Rating the Pants(s)

I tell you, one thing we all have in common is pants. Pantses. Pantseses. Everybody wears pants (and if you don't you'll get arrested).


The term pants isn't an all encompassing globally ubiquitous term. What someone calls a "pants" isn't necessarily a "pants" to someone else.

For instance,

In North America, "Pants" refers to the visible article of clothing on your legs. This can come in the form of jeans, dress pants, shorts, khakis, and all sorts of other styles of leg-clothes.

Yet, In The United Kingdom..."Pants" refers to what North Americans would know as "underwear." They call "Pants" as we know them "Trousers" and the term "Pants" is used to refer to the non-visible under article of leg-clothes (i.e. boxers, thongs, granny-panties, briefs, tightie-fuckin'-whities, etc.).

In this assessment of pants we will be using the term which regards pants as being the VISIBLE leg-clothes article. Though for good measure a portion of the assessment will cover underwears just to be sure this assessment is as detailed as humanly possible.

Okay, On to the Pants

1. Shorts

Rockin' those bad boys (Shorts)
Shorts refers to a variety of leg-clothes which come to slightly over to slightly under the knees of your legs. The effectiveness  of shorts is wholly dependent on climate and seasonal variations.

If you live in a hot climate then you can blast shorts all year round and not even give a care about your legs getting cold. That's really good, but if you live in a cold climate then chances are you'll only be rocking your shorts from May to August (give or take depending on your region and what type of summer you are having).

Shorts give easy access for air currents (i.e. the coldest of summer breezes) to get to your crotch region. Your sweaty balls/wiener or your sweaty gina might really appreciate a cool summer breeze now and then...and let me tell you...your crotch will not get any cool summer or even spring breezes if you are not wearing a short style of pants. There's no way around it, you should try to wear shorts in summer time.

I never wear shorts to bars though, not even on the hottest night of the year, no way. You look stupid when you wear shorts into bars...unless it's at like a resort town or something of that nature where people are expected to be in shorts like in Mexico or somewhere like that.

Overall, I have a positive view of shorts, I really do. It's just that I live in a wintery climate and the window of opportunity to wear these bad-boys is limited at best.

Final Tally: B+

2. Underwears

I have a love-hate relationship with underwears. They really are a double-edged sword, I find. Normally underwears do the job of not being one-layer of clothing away from other people's dicks and pussy-ginas...but there are two polarized positive and negative scenarios associated with underwears that can make or break your opinion on them.

Fred, one of Underwears many happy users
Best Case Scenario) Say for example you're Fred The Elephant Boy and you're taking a bus down to make a paid appearance and you happen to accidentally shit yourself on the bus ride. A quick thinker might get to the nearest bathroom, undress, throw the shitty underwear into the trash receptacle, go commando the rest of the day...and no one would ever even be the wiser. No one would smell shit on you or anything. In this case underwears are your main and best friend...and I'm sure guys like Fred the Elephant Boy and other people who are prone to "accidents" must love underwears to the fullest.

Worst Case Scenario) The worstest case scenario regarding underwears is the "hot-day wedgie" case-scenario. Wedgies are fucking annoying to begin with but on a humid day...forget about it. The ride-up and entanglement of the underwears with your genitals and/or bum-crack will be a whole other ballgame on a hot-ass day. The humidity will cause excess sweat in the region and the ride-up entanglement of the wedgie will cause irritation in the form of chafing. People call this sweaty wedgie "butt-rot" or "crotch rot"...either way it's the fucking worst and I hate it. If you work labor intensive jobs or are an avid jogger or professional athlete and have experienced numerous cases of this...then your opinion of underwears may be biased to the max. You might be thinking to yourself at times things like, "underwears? Fuck underwears...I hate them" and no one would blame you for feeling that way about underwears.

Final Tally: C+ (not too shabby there underwears)

3. Dress Pants

This refers to business-suit pants and are often cited as "funeral pants." I'm not a fan, it's flimsy material and you can't run around in them. You know what shoes you have to wear with dress pants? Yes, you know it...dress shoes. The most uncomfortable shoes on earth.

I will admit some men can pull off a look using dress pants that does come off as being pretty fucking cool. Like for example, 4/6 of the James Bonds(s) looked pretty well in their tuxedo dress pants, 66.6% of Bonds is a pretty good stat...that's a straight-up pro for dress pants, no doubt. Another example is that kick-guy, that french savate fucker on One Piece...he always dresses in nice dress pants and he tends to look pretty cool when he kicks the shit out of bad guys on that show.

All in all, despite that 4/6 James Bonds and 1/1 Sanji look cool in dress pants...I still feel that dress pants can go fuck themselves. Not my kind of pants to be honest.

Final Tally: D+

4. Jeans

Jeans are sturdy old friends, that's a fact jack. You can have a pair a jeans for like 5 years and rough the hell out of them doing all kinds of rugged activities and those jeans will still be kicking.

I have a life cycle for jeans, it goes: 1. Dress Jeans, 2. Work Jeans, 3. Heavy/Dirty Work Jeans, 4. Garbage Rag n' Bone Jeans.

Basically, I use a new pair of jeans for going to bars then when they start ripping I demote that pair to being jeans I work in. Once they start ripping and tearing even further I further demote those jeans to being "Heavy/Dirty" work pants that I do like filthy ass shit in like painting and staining furniture with Danish Oils, Lemon Oils, and shit. The final stage (5) is the death stage where they are cut up into rags and used to wipe surfaces or other areas. You know?

If I buy a new pair once the dress jeans get demoted to level 2 "Work Jeans" then I always have a steady flow of jeans in the jeans-cycle and don't have to worry about not having jeans for any and all occasions.

That's how I go about wearing this version of pants, basically.

Final Tally: A- (that's what I'm talkin' 'bout)

5. Skirts

Since skirt-related leg-clothes lie in the domain of females and trannies...I have no experience pool to work with or judge from on the wearing of said leg-clothes. Yet, I still have an opinion on skirts though.

Why do men dig women who wear skirts? Because mentally they know they are at all times just one pull-up and one pull-aside from accessing the skirt-wearer's vaginer-hole. A simple two-step procedure will give a male or a lesbian access to a skirt-wearing female's genitals.

Other leg-clothes don't always operate like that, for instance jeans on a chick is still hot but they tend to wear jeans that are SO TIGHT that unzipping them and wiggling them off is a ten-step process which requires patience...and patience is something many boners don't have.

Skirts? They make women look way hot so they are A-O-Kay. I have a feeling that they are just for show though like dress pants and don't have any real practical value in say keeping your legs warm or protecting your legs from cuts and bruises.

Final Tally: B

6. Pajama Pants

There are two main areas of "Pajama" style pants which are "Kid's Pajamas" and "Big Boy/Big Girl Pajamas."

Now these be some PJs
Pajamas for adults are more for comfort and less gimmicky than children's Pee-Jays, this includes pants like joggin' pants, yoga pants, those checkered wool pants that seem popular these days, and other comfortable pants you sleep in.*

Kids Pee-Jays are more gimmicky and cutey-wutey than adult pajama pants. Like, when I was a kid I had these Major League Baseball licensed pjs which had all the logos of each team strewn about the garment mosaically which I found were really really cool.

You can make small humans (children though not midgets) look really really super cute n' adorable with the right PeeJay pants.

Also, adult comfort sleeping pants are pretty good too. Pajama pants are decent leg-clothes all around, if I do say so myself.

*Important Note: This DOES NOT include "Long Johns" which are an "underwear" variety of pants and by no means a pajama version of pants. Got it?  

Final Tally: B+


Seems like Shorts, Jeans, Skirts, and Pajama Pants got some decent to high ratings. Congratulations to these pants.

The double-edged sword known as underwear gets the job done too.

As for dress pants? Unless you can look like Bond or Sanji by using them then good for you dude... but otherwise? No way, Jose.

Thank you.

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