Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Canadian Election Human Value Rankings!!!

Hey world, did you know Canada is having an election in 2015? Yeah, they are, exciting eh? We get to vote for our "prime minister" whatever the fuck that is.

This topic was one of the first articles I ever did for last election back like four non-score years ago, you can read that one if you want, but my writing style and comedic tact was a little worse for wear back in the day (I think I only got good at this bloggin shit sometime around 2012-ish):

Previous Canada Election Article: Here

I like that I worked in Fergie Jenkins at the end there in that one, that was pretty cool. He's a hall of fame pitcher, that guy.

Anyways, let's explain how this election system works first before we get into the human value rankings.

Canadian Elections

It's not a popular vote poll, it's based on "seats" in "parliament". A seat is just a regional area, there's 310 or so seats that they fight over and the party with the most seats wins! Yay.

There are not two but five parties who get "seats" in our elections. The current polls (with the amount of seatz being set to a round number like 100) are as follows:

Liberals (Left-Center Field): 41 Seatz
Conservatives (Right Center Field): 32 Seatz
Democratic Party (Left Center Field): 17 Seatz
Green Party (Left Field): 5 Seatz
French Separatists (?????????): 5 Seatz

Even though I don't really care for putting political views on a line, I have denoted the leftness or rightness of the party because they do advertise themselves to the public along this silly line. You'll be quick to note that unlike the USA who has two parties (the left-center field party and the right-center field party)...Canada has a whopping 3 left leaning parties and 1 right leaning party.

If it was like the states and it was 1 left-center party versus 1 right center party...the results would be:

Theoretical Left Center Merged Party: 63 Seatz
Right Center Party: 32 Seatz
French Separatists: 5 Seatz

It would be a blowout win, but that's not what's gonna happen as the Left Center parties are split into three factions who argue over votes with each other and thus the Liberals and Conservatives are neck-and-neck in the polls.


Human Rankings

Ew.
1. Stevie Harper

Evangelical Christian who hates science and is suspected of being mentally handicapped so you're supposed to give him leeway and be nice to him. It's annoying. He's been in power for almost 9 years now and if he wins again he's gonna get double digits.

I firmly respect the USA and their laws on term limits, which Banana-Republic Canada simply does not have, we've actually had prime ministers in power for over 20 years back in day.

To me, no one should be in power of a country for over 10 years, so I don't believe anyone should vote for this person again for that reason alone. Ten years is the "dictator" barrier that once you cross that line you can longer be referred to as an "elected official" yet must be denoted as a "dictator." It's true, I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

Overall Ranking: -100 / 10


2. Trudeau Jr.

Put yer fuckin' shirt on, Bieber.
Some little punk who's never worked a real job in his life who was hired to be the Face of the Liberal Party....an unbelievably boring dork. Like the Bush family, he feels since his daddy was Prime Minister then he should be too.

He's killing the women vote though, holy fuck, women want to suck this kid's balls right off, they love him so much. He is literally the Justin Bieber of politics, the Liberal party should of just signed Bieber if they wanted to monopolize the lady vote any further.

His parents are famous international jet-setters who had threesomes with celebs all the world so the name "Trudeau" is quite famous. Here's masterful interviewer Bill Boggs interviewing his Mom about her friendship with Fidel Castro and how important she feels she is:



Bill Boggs

His family is like a big deal in Canada, they are certified celebrities and this and that...so he's a good face for the Liberal Party, no doubt.

Obviously, as a 30 year old male human, I don't fall into the Bieber demographic and thus will not be voting for him.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


3. Beard Man

A bearded man.
I don't know what the point of Beard Man is, this guy's only job is to split the vote of the left center party so the Harper team wins again, for all I know Beard Man and Harper are in fucking cahoots. If they split the vote well enough the Harper Team will win again...so to me I seriously have to question if Beard Man is a real candidate or just a plant for the Harper team.

I don't really know anything about him other than that he has a beard....so nothing good and nothing bad...which for politics isn't such a bad thing. He's just a bearded man...no more and no less. Very bland shtick, wow.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


4. Green Party

Hasn't got off the ground yet, mainly acting to further split the left-center party.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


5. French Separatists

Who knows, who cares.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


Assessment

Liberals/Green/Demo/Separatists: -80
Conservatives: -100

The conservatives are the worst party by a full 20 points and it is in my opinion that NO ONE should vote for them in the next election.

I know this is a very basic look at Canada's Leck Shuns but it's the only things you need to know about it...it's not entertaining like other countries' elections where you can write interesting shit about it. It's two old white men and one somewhat young-ish white man fooling around up here...it's immensely boring.

Get some fucking chix in there, or some black guys, maybe a native, maybe an asian. Mix it up, fuck, gimme a break...this shit is soooooo lame. It always has to be boring-as-fuck white dudes who run, never anyone cool.

The only thing that can save another boring-ass Leck Shun is if that fat ol' crack smoking Rob Ford gets off his lazy ass and makes a run for the Prime Ministership.

"Prime Minister Rob Ford", has a good ring to it. Come on Rob, you know you wanna be Prime Minister, bro...get off your ass, stop smokin' crack and throw your hat in the race, man.

Come on...RUN!
I would predict a Rob Ford election would maximize voter turnout, increase world wide press, and I believe the end results would be the following:


Ford Nay-Shun United Co-A-Lishin' of Crack-Heads: 50 Seatz
Theoretical Left Center Merged Party: 32 Seatz
Right Center Party: 13 Seatz
French Separatists: 5 Seatz

A landslide win for Rob Ford.

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