Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The Diarrhea Tree

The other week I experimented with a form of writing called "Screen Play Ritin'" and it was fun. It was a projected-film called "The Rick Cerone Story".

Read that article here: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2015/05/punchin-up-some-scripts.html

Punchin' up scripts is pretty fun, I must say. I'm gonna try another one, this next movie I've been thinking about lately is called "The Diarrhea Tree."

I can't think about this movie at work or in public because I start to laugh and people think I'm weird because I laugh for no reason. I only think about this movie while I'm at home, usually.

Since I'm gonna try and shop this script to movie houses to try and get it optioned, I won't be putting the whole script in here, just a synopsis, a brief a character list, and a few choice dialogue samples.


The Diarrhea Tree

This movie will have a point, it won't just be literally about a diarrhea tree. There's three points/messages that will be not-secret but two of the main points of this film will be left to the viewer to devise themselves.

Brief List:

Main Character: Dr. Delphinius Lorimar (phd)
Villain:  The Diarrhea Tree
Other Characters: Art faction, Religious faction, Hippie faction, other factions.

Main Themes: Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover, Aesthetic Values are Over-Rated, Science is Good, and two secret themes which won't be divulged.
Secondary Themes: Toilet Humor, Swearing

Setting: Earth in the Modern Times

Synopsis: One day a beautiful tree grows to be big, strong, and picture-esque-ingly beautiful. It is described by any who see it as "The Most Majestic Tree of All Time."

It is by all standards the most largest and by far most beautiful tree that has ever blossomed on earth. Long oak trunk, gorgeous multi-color leaves, various fruits and flowers bloom from its branches....it is the most incredible tree by a far and wide margin.

People come from all around the world to partake in gazing upon its majestic beauty with their humble eyes. It brings about feelings of euphoria by simply looking at this wondrous tree. It's so beautiful, my gosh.

People start to write poems about its beauty...and scholars attempt to understand the Tree. Everyone seems to have a different theory as to where it came from, what it means/represents, and what its purpose on this planet is. All sorts of factions of humans develop theories on the origins and importance of the Tree.

The religious community sees it as a gift from God, a bountiful Tree sent to earth by God to nourish and feed God's children.

The artistic community views its aesthetic qualities as being the greatest work of art of all time, they gush and rave about the aesthetic virtues of the Tree.

The Hippie community views the Tree as "Mother Earth" herself...the protector of all Earth...they name it "Yggdrasil" and vow to protect this Tree for it is their God.

Yet one man simply cannot wrap his head around how everyone is losin' their shit over this one dumb ol' tree. This man is Doctor Delphinius Lorimar....a man of the science. He takes it upon himself to study this natural wonder and what he finds is a shock to both himself and the audience....

...the Tree is a god damn Diarrhea Tree!

The tree consumes the fruit it produces and also consumes small animals who nest/habitat in it. The inside of the tree is a biological intestine which converts what it consumes into....the most pungent and horrific waste by-product ever seen/smelt. The Tree is infinitely growing, consuming, and shitting TONS and GALLONS of dairrhea into the earth under it. An underground RIVER of DIARRHEA is brewing and roiling in the depths of the earth as the roots of the Tree pour diarrhea deep into the earth's crust....turning planet earth into some sort of giant septic tank.

Delphinius Lorimar predicts that if the gigantic Tree continues to grow, consume, and shit at this rate...It will drown the earth in a deluge of Diarrhea. Raging torrents of shit covering the entire earth and drowning all human and animal life. Not even fish will survive the Diarrhea Deluge...all life except for stupid bugs and e-coli will DIE.

Our hero tries to warn the world leaders and all the factions... he implores them to destroy the Tree but it is viewed as a symbol of hope and comfort by all of the humans of earth by this point. Delphinius Lorimar is the only man who has a negative view of the Diarrhea Tree....and thus....is sentenced to life in prison.

There are two possible endings to this film:

A) When the Diarrhea Deluge occurs, the world leaders of all the factions come to Lorimar's cell and beg him to stop the shit flood....but Delphinius is adamant about letting humanity reap what it deserves. Their stupidity and love of aesthetic values will be the death of all humans...and for locking him up in that cold cell...Lorimar is happy to watch all of life (including himself) perish. I call this "The I Told You So" ending.

B) All the world faction leaders come to Delphinius Lorimar's cell and implore him to stop the Diarrhea Deluge caused by the Tree....and he busts out of the cell....grabs a rocket launcher and single handedly destroys that god damned fucking Diarrhea Tree ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!! I call this the "Bad Ass Ending".


Delphinius Lorimar

If we go with the crappier I Told You So ending I think some straight-laced guy should play this role, like a William Hurt or a Ray Walston-type would be good....someone like that.

Dr. Delphinius Lorimar
If we go with the much cooler Bad Ass ending...then the person best suited to play Delphinius Lorimar is Terry Crews....he'd make a great Diarrhea Tree Killing Machine.

I doubt this film will ever get optioned and made by someone...but I actually think Terry Crews would get the Oscar for this role. I know it sounds weird and stupid...but it's actually a very deep and symbolic film.

Note: Since the two names of this character aren't standard first or last names they can be reciprocated if need be. The character could be called Dr. Lorimar Delphinius as well...which ever one sounds better, really.


Sample Dialogue

-Sample 1

This scene is Lorimar trying to convince one of the factions, the hippie faction, that this tree is gross and stupid...


Dr. Delphinius Lorimar: That Tree 'aint no GOD! That's a mother fucking DIARRHEA TREE, BITCH!

Soleil Moon-Wagon:
Excuse me? Don't talk about me or Yggdrasil in that fashion...it is a hate crime.

Dr. Delphinius Lorimar:
You wanna know what a real hate-crime is?

Soleil Moon-Wagon:
What?

Dr. Delphinius Lorimar:
An unquenchable roaring storm of diarrhea raining down on the earth!

Soleil Moon-Wagon:
This is making me sick! Go away you vulgar man!

Dr. Delphinius Lorimar:
Damn it! All our lives depend on DESTROYING THAT MUTHA FUCKING DIARRHEA TREEEEEE!

Soleil Moon-Wagon:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



-Sample 2:

In this sample scene, the leader of the religious faction comes to tell the tree that Delphinius has been sentenced to life in prison for hatin' on the tree. Yet the jokes on him as he takes a fruit and eats it....

Reverend Wilson Brand: Oh bountiful gift from god...I have come to inform you that the horrible man who blashpemed against you has finally been silenced. His hateful words will no longer spoil your majestic reverence...oh tree of trees.

Tree:
.....

Reverend Wilson Brand:
You giveth us this day, our daily bread. We thank God for giving you to us. Your fruit....your nourishment. You are truly a saving grace, tree.

Tree:
....

Reverend Wilson Brand:
I feel silly talking to a tree....yet I know you are a message from God, and I know through you....tree...God can hear my prayers for the dead and for the living.

Tree:
....

Reverend Wilson Brand:
Grace be to you...please God, let me taste your bountiful goodness. Let your sheep, your child, taste the fruit of your benevolent love, my Lord.

Tree:
....

Reverend Wilson Brand (takes apple):
Such perfect red hue on this apple, Oh lord. Your creations are perfection. Thanks be to thee. Let me take a bite of your benevolent and reverent sustenance.

Tree:
...

Reverend Wilson Brand (bites apple):
GRRrrrhgrhrghrgrhgrhr. Pew, pew! YUCK! This apple! This apple.....this apple.....

Tree:
....

Reverend Wilson Brand: THIS APPLE TASTES LIKE SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-IT!



-Sample 3:
This is a short dialogue from the Bad Ass Ending where Terry Crews....I mean Delphinius Lorimar is let out of his prison cell at last.

Dr. Delphinius Lorimar: Well, well, well...if it isn't the President himself. Come to laugh and ridicule me as I rot in this cell? 


President Archibald Amsterdam: No Doctor, we need you.

Dr. Delphinius Lorimar: Need me? Lemme guess...that son-of-a-bitch Diarrhea Tree is diarrhea-ing all over your fucking place isn't it?


President Archibald Amsterdam: .....................Yes. 

Dr. Delphinius Lorimar: HAHAHA! Now gimme one good reason why I should help you bitch ass pieces of garbage after all y'all mother fucking bitch ass fuckers locked me up in here AND THREW AWAY THE KEY!!!


President Archibald Amsterdam: Please Doc, I'm sorry, we were wrong to shun you....you were right....right about everything...the floods of Diarrhea...the rains and rains of unending Diarrhea....Diarrhea is.....everywhere.  


Dr. Delphinius Lorimar: Good! YOU ALL DESERVE IT! YOU ALL DESERVE TO DROWN IN THAT DIARRHEA YOU DUMB FUCKING ASSHOLES!


President Archibald Amsterdam: Doc, I know we doubted you and laughed at you....and even put you in prison for blasphemy against the Tree....but we were wrong...that thing is nothing but a god forsaken Diarrhea hemorrhaging shit tree. You're the only one who knows the biology of that Diarrhea Tree....you're the only one who can stop it.


Dr. Delphinius Lorimar: Get me my rocket launcher.....before I slap you in your stupid mouth. I gotta Diarrhea Tree to take out and a Death Wish, Mr. President.


President Archibald Amsterdam: Del, thank you.


Conclusion

After thoroughly weakening that no-good Diarrhea Tree with an array of deadly missiles from his rocket launcher, Delphinius is shocked to see it still standing. With his last bit of strength after giving it his all to destroy that piece of shit Tree....he grabs it by the trunk, and similar to Lu Da in Outlaws of the Marsh when Lu uproots the willow tree....Delphinius uproots the Diarrhea Tree and TEARS IT OUT FROM THE GROUND SCREAMING AND CURSING AS HE THROWS IT LIKE A CABER TOSS!!!!!!!!!!

....The world is saved. See you in hell you fucking Diarrhea Tree!

Up-Rootin' Trees with your Bare Hands is Cool....

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